To not be keen on son's girlfriend

[MyWildAmberDreamer]

Girlfriend is 22 (son is 21). Son lives with me, his dad and little brother (6). Son and girlfriend both work part time.
Girlfriend has been staying over 2-3 nights a week since they started seeing each other 2 years ago (we put a limit on it when she once ended up here for a whole week with no sign of going home any time). We have tried to be welcoming to her but are lucky if we get a hello from her, let alone a please or thank you. She has literally sat in my kitchen whilst I've been cooking dinner for everyone (including her!) and has barely spoken two words to me despite me trying to talk to her nicely but as soon as son came into room was whispering and giggling with him.
It feels like she thinks our house is a b&b she stays in with her boyfriend and she doesn't have to bother speaking to the staff.
When we spoke to son about it he said she's shy. But last weekend she was reading a 50 shades of grey style book on our sofa whilst our 6 year old (excellent reader!) was in the room with her. I didn't challenge her at the time as I only googled the title after she'd gone and was shocked. Younger son seems to think she's OK as she deigns to talk to him.

What would you do in this situation? Son doesn't seem to think there's an issue, if anything he'd like her here more! There are no signs of them moving in together any time soon. Not sure on longevity of relationship as its son's first 'proper' relationship.

I’d not have put up with this for 2 years! Would reduce your maximum to one night a week, would not cook for her, and tell DS you remain unimpressed with her poor manners.

I can empathise with the girlfriend to an extent. I was brought up in a crappy household where we all had to fake normal conversations with my mother to keep the peace even though we hated being around her. It never occurred to me when I was in my twenties that people actually enjoyed talking to each other for no reason, or that anyone other than my friends or boyfriend were remotely interested in having a genuine conversation with me.

Are they students? as in, why do they work only part time?

Solution to immediate situation -

Provide deposit and first months rent on a flat in your son’s name -
it is time toboot this one out of his well feathered nest - you have
enabled this situation, infantalising a pair of adult children.

Financing the deposit and first rent would also be infantilising, surely? But is a neat solution to do it in a way that doesn’t involve saying that you’d like them to move out.

What's her reading a filthy book got to do with her not being shy?

Just leave them to it, my brother had a gf like this when he was 18 (now his wife of 19 years) and both my parents thought she was rude, until we went to her family for an occasion and she was exactly the same with them. Just laid back and not talkative. I think older generations think its rude to not talk in someone else's home, but I disagree, shes dating your son, not you, and she's a young adult (who sounds younger than her years if she's giggling and whispering) you aren't going to be of any interest to her. I wouldn't say anything as it might upset your son and and if they do go the distance he may not forget your comments.

Unless she is reading it out loud to your 6 year old stop with the book nonsense. You didn't know what it was without googling. If you liked her this wouldn't be an issue. Don't bring up stuff like this as it minimises the real issues.

Concentrate on those ie. the staying over too much and the failure to engage when she does leaving you uncomfortable in your own home.

As regards the longevity of the relationship they have been together 2 years so you probably do have to work on the basis it is long term. Why not have a chat with him when he is on his own (without mentioning her per se) as to what his long term plans are and what he plans about moving out ie. rent or buy etc and see what that throws up as a starting point.

I’d be getting her to do laundry and vacuuming instead of sitting on your couch watching you do the work. Tell her she has to earn her board and food. Bet she’d fuck off after a couple of days of that.

Cmon now, you had to google the title and your six year old wasn’t reading with her.

I had a BiL with a gf like this.
They stayed with us for a weekend, she didn’t engage,
ate with her face an inch from her plate, sat close together on the sofa
whispering and giggling, didn’t clear up or help, didn’t play with the baby,
my goodness they could eat though.
when I commented that this woman of 27 didn’t speak I was assured that
she was “shy”

We then learned the gf taught at the Poly, was politically active,
organised marches, marched on marches!
Shy my eye

Shy is a get out clause - how do you tolerat this imposition.

This sort of stuff op makes people think the rest of it is over exaggerated. As why would you just be exaggerating about rhe book and nothing else. You didn’t know what it was, had to google and you know your kid wasn’t reading it. Just stop.

I felt unwelcome & disliked by a former mil, I was uncomfortable & ultimately didn't like her. As much as I tried.
However I always offered to help in the kitchen, wash up etc.
I wonder why she doesn't read in sons bedroom? She doesn't want to interact with you.
Id tell my son that she isn't trying to be friendly or interact with the family, you are not her unpaid staff. She makes you uncomfortable in your own home.
If they want to live together they need full time jobs & their own flat.

I thought about what you said - I don’t think so, it would be a gift/solution,
as you say.
Your second sentence made me laugh - it isn’t a subtle solution is it.

If she's too shy to be polite, she's too shy to stay.

I'd be telling her to help with cooking, not waiting for her to offer. Or better still, tell her and your DS that since you cooked last weekend, it's their turn today. That's the only way you'll get somewhere.

I think the fact you openly admit to disliking her and had to google to know what the book was, and then repeatedly mention it like it’s a huge deal, says you’re looking for problems as you just don’t like her.

Not subtle at all 😂

When my son was about 17 he started seeing this girl who I thought was okish ( although I confess I preferred his previous one) . My husband was away and I was watching tv when they came in after an afternoon out. I let them have the sofa and I sat in the chair and we watched tv ( the bill) together.
After a few minutes I suddenly noticed she appeared to be unbuttoning his shirt , then it got a million times worse when she started licking his chest. I'm not backwards in coming forward but I was utterly gobsmacked and more or less stunned into silence. He was absolutely mortified and was hissing " stop stop wtf are you doing?"
He managed to duck under her arm and stand up. He then said very tersely " we're going out"
He came back about 2 hours later so apologetic. Apparently they'd had a very frank conversation which involved him telling her how out of order she was for making me feel uncomfortable in my own home. I was not upset at all when they split up about a fortnight later. It's gone into the family history stories now and we laugh about it.

It doesn’t matter if she’s shy. Nothing is any excuse for bad manners sustained over a period of years. She and the OP’s son don’t appear to see the OP as anything other than an inanimate backdrop, or the ‘help’.

OP, this is why having adult children living at home doesn’t work. Tell him he needs to move out.

Wow OK so the whole book thing has upset people! Forget the book! I wish I'd never mentioned it!
It was just an example of behaviour (amongst other stuff) that has led to me not liking her over the last 2 years. She clearly does not respect or like us very much but as someone said, she's not our girlfriend so is up to DS. It's his life not ours. Will have a talk with him about moving out and her overall demeanour.

Thanks to those of you who have offered advice/previous experience which is what I was looking for. Ideally we would get on with her so I won't give up but basic manners don't cost a thing, regardless of how shy you are.

Thanks again

Really OP? She read a book with such a “beautiful” cover that you decided you would maybe like to read it too, so you googled it to find out what it was about, and it was maybe something smutty and your offended she would even read that “infront of you”. You yourself couldn’t work out from the cover what the book was about but you don’t want it read around your 6 year old. Mmmm okay 😬 Unless she was reading it to him as a bedtime story I think you’re being way OTT.

Are you really going to ask your son to move out because you don't like his girlfriend?

That was why I asked what else she'd done to make you not like her.

I get that the lack of manners is very rude and making you feel uncomfortable, but is she doing anything horrible to your son?

I don't think I'd want to risk alienating my son just because sure his girlfriend was lacking in manners.

Why haven't you spoken to her directly?

OP’s son hasn’t behaved well here either.

I wouldn't be providing a month's rent etc .. pushing them to live together may extend a relationship that would run it's path sooner rather than later!

I would make it clear that if I had cooked they clear up. No big discussion just "right you two clear up, I'm going to bed/out". Hopefully if your son has to do all the work he will see how lazy she is and unreasonable.

But is the son helping out round the house?

Surely it's his job to clean up after his guests. Is the girlfriend following his lead.

@Whatinthe1997isgoingon - I have no idea, but meant that she told them both to and didn't back down. I imagine the son at least would then step up (OP can at least talk to him and tell him he is being unreasonable, but doesn't want to confront the girlfriend which I can sympathise with)