To not be keen on son's girlfriend

[MyWildAmberDreamer]

Girlfriend is 22 (son is 21). Son lives with me, his dad and little brother (6). Son and girlfriend both work part time.
Girlfriend has been staying over 2-3 nights a week since they started seeing each other 2 years ago (we put a limit on it when she once ended up here for a whole week with no sign of going home any time). We have tried to be welcoming to her but are lucky if we get a hello from her, let alone a please or thank you. She has literally sat in my kitchen whilst I've been cooking dinner for everyone (including her!) and has barely spoken two words to me despite me trying to talk to her nicely but as soon as son came into room was whispering and giggling with him.
It feels like she thinks our house is a b&b she stays in with her boyfriend and she doesn't have to bother speaking to the staff.
When we spoke to son about it he said she's shy. But last weekend she was reading a 50 shades of grey style book on our sofa whilst our 6 year old (excellent reader!) was in the room with her. I didn't challenge her at the time as I only googled the title after she'd gone and was shocked. Younger son seems to think she's OK as she deigns to talk to him.

What would you do in this situation? Son doesn't seem to think there's an issue, if anything he'd like her here more! There are no signs of them moving in together any time soon. Not sure on longevity of relationship as its son's first 'proper' relationship.

Time to start charging your ds rent and board if you’re not doing this already. He can pay extra when his gf stays. I hope that they don’t leave a mess everywhere. Give them both household jobs to do.

She sounds very immature for her age - whispering etc ….. you have been very tolerant but if she cannot even display basic manners I would say that she is not welcome anymore! Cannot stand bad manners - especially in someone else’s home and using all your facilities and expected to be waited on hand and foot! Arggggh this is making me mad on your behalf!

They're adults really and probably enjoying winding you up. If they've been together for 2 years then I'd make more noises about them moving in together. 22 is probably time to try moving out. Otherwise you just have to accept that your adult son is living with you with his annoying adult girlfriend. They sound immature but 22 year olds are immature, I wouldn't necessarily expect much different. At least she seems to feel at home!

Is you had to Google the title to have a as problem with it you’re searching for things to object to.

If you and DP don’t want her in your house then provide advance notice and let your son know she is no longer welcome.

You need to decide if potentially driving a wedge between you and your son is worth it.

Just don’t be surprised if he chooses to move out rather than not see her. If you’re ok with that, then go ahead.

Yes, I’d Feb very unhappy with this - and I’m well aware we’ve struck gold with DSs girlfriend - she’s lovely and helpful.

You need to have a word with your DS about basic manners that you expect. My DH once tried to leave mine when we were dating years ago without saying goodbye to my mum. His mum would not have been impressed if I’d done that to them so I pulled him up on it. Your son needs to do the same.

You've been incredibly patient & accommodating - obviously have done so for the sake of your son, but after 2 yrs of such rudeness from a grown woman, time is up!!

I'd tell your son how you feel & the expectations/house rules etc you have from this point on. If she/they don't meet them, then you just have to put your foot down & stop her staying altogether. It's YOUR house. If they don't like that, then they need to sort themselves out & get their own place.

She may be a bit shy but she's a whole lot of rude!!

You don't like her as she just has different customs and mannerism to you and your family.

You can't change her.

If you don't like the situation tell your son and limit visits and overnight stay to one night a week.

They should move out and get their own place.

Yeah you're right, I don't like her and her bad manners/different upbringing/general rudeness are just the icing on the cake. I had hoped it would fizzle out before but as someone else said he is a passive ostrich so my fear is he'll stay with her and our relationship will just deteriorate.

But I guess I'll just have to suck it up like hundreds of thousands of parents before me and get on with it!

I would tell him he needs to start looking for a full time job so they can move out, or maybe put a limit on it to one night a week so they get the hint.

I should add that this was after a previous situation where she was reading a book with a beautiful cover a few weeks before which I googled to find out what it was (as I was thinking I might read it so I'd have something to talk to her about) and was really surprised she'd read something like that in front of me! I hasten to add again I have no problem with the genre in question! I just don't want it in front of my younger child. That is weird and wrong, hence I was worried when I saw another book of similar style appear a few weeks later but being read next to my 6 year old on our sofa!

But last weekend she was reading a 50 shades of grey style book on our sofa whilst our 6 year old (excellent reader!) was in the room with her

Unless your six-year-old was sitting on her lap reading it with her, why is this a problem? Why are you Googling the titles of her reading matter?!

If I was reading, eg, American Psycho, are you saying that would be inappropriate if your child was sitting in the same room or opposite me on the train? What about a Jackie Collins bonkbuster on the beach?

I would assume she is very shy and self conscious and maybe give her some time.

Although just seen they've been together 2 years...that should be enough time. 😅

have only read OPs posts. Get son and say that the situation is unacceptable. She is rude, doesn't help out or contribute any way and is a freeloader. She may not stay overnight at all.

And stick to it.

Are there any other reasons that you don't like her? Or is it just the lack of small talk/manners?

She could just be painfully shy. Not everyone can easily overcome shyness.

Your son obviously loves her if they've been together 2 years she must make him happy?

Why would you have to explain bdsm etc to your 6 year old? It's not his book and it's rude to read over people's shoulders so surely you just tell him not to?

Surely if she’s visiting then they should have plans to do something not sitting around like she lives there?

I’d start passive aggressively asking what they’re up to today, where they’re off to and see if they get the message - even start with ‘oh we’re having the house to ourselves today to get things sorted so need you guys out of our hair!’

He should move out he's 21

Exactly this. I’m surprised the girlfriend (who’s allegedly so rude) hasn’t told him to go and get his own book if he’s doing this.

The book wouldn't bother me. The complete lack of manners of hello, please and thank you would irritate me no end. The whispering I would have flipped at both of them - beyond rude

Please 🙄 not greeting people you’ve known for 2 years and risk them hearing you shag their son in their house, whilst also reading light bdsm erotica in full view of the whole family, including a 6 year old is NOT shyness.

a shy person is more likely to ask quietly if they can help and then be setting the table in silence.

give me a break. How does she function in the world if she’s too shy for a hello/bye?

BS.

Another who wouldn't be bothered by the book here. But I do require interaction from people who are staying the night in my house, be that friends, girlfriends or boyfriends.

Whispering to each other is extremely rude. At 13-14 I could live with it, but and 21 and 22, not a chance.

Is it rude to read over people's shoulders?

She's not a child. It's bloody rude to ignore someone when you're living in their house half of the week. Shy isn't an excuse.

Could you crack open a bottle of wine with her?