I want to cut off my sister

[jellywelly467]

We’re 1 year apart and have completely different lives. Shes career focused, I’m a mum of 3 and a sahm (which I’m happy with, I’ve always wanted children this isn’t a jealousy thing). I feel very sad about how she treats my children, she isn’t at all interested in them and makes zero effort to see them. She met my brand new baby last week after he’d been in special care and she was so disinterested. Didn’t ask how I felt, didn’t ask how he was doing, only asked to hold him after I’d said to my mum ‘see she’s more interested in strangers dogs than her own nephew’ so assuming my mum made a comment to her (we met at a park for context, she walked metres ahead majority of the time and stopped random people to stroke their dogs and ignored the kids most of the time). I get not everyone likes kids, that’s fine, but fuck me it’s an hour or two just fake it? I’m not interested in career chat but I still asked about her work and her recent interview etc because I have basic manners

I just feel like blocking her on everything. If we weren’t related by blood I would not even know her or have contact at all so why fake it because we’re sisters

It sounds like your lives have gone in different directions and you have very different priorities. From her perspective, she probably thought she was making an effort by coming to see you and the baby (I'm not saying she's in the right). Did she bring a gift? I used to feel really awkward holding people's babies before I had my own.

As others have said, just quietly let her drift from your priorities since you're clearly not one of hers. It's hurtful but I find relationships really change when you have kids. You get closer to some people and others who aren't interested drift away.

Block her then. Just because you are siblings doesnt mean she'll be interested in your life or kids. I have zero interest in my nieces and nephews.

Sounds like she's just not interested in children, and hasn't felt the need to fake interest to appease you.
Just let the relationship slide into the ether without the dramatics of blocking. It doesn't sound like either of you are interested in pursuing it.

I don’t think you should go as far as cutting her off, as I’m sure it’ll be perceived as being dramatic, but just match her energy. If she’s not investing time and interest in you, don’t with her, allow her to lead on making plans etc.

I dont have kids im just not that type of person.
You both choose what you wanted in life.
You love your kids they are your world but they are not hers.
She dont have to show any interest in children even yours.
Cutting someone off because they wont play up to the part is childish.
I have 7 nieces and nephew and im not interested in them as much as the parents are.
You sound a bit immature and slightly jealous thb.
When i hear a family member or a friend is having another baby all i say is oh she pregnant again.

But she did make an effort because she did come and see you and your kids..!?

Is this the other side of the 'I'm embarrassed by my sister' thread?!

Just limit your contact with her, you don’t need to flounce off.

I'm not saying this is the case, but sometimes people hide what is actually going on, particularly when it is something so private as fertility. I always used to say I never wanted children, even when we had planned to start trying (because frankly, it is private and no one else's business). So I imagine if I subsequently found myself unable to have children, I would have stuck pretty firmly to that same story as a way to "protect" myself.

On the face of it though, she does sound very rude, and no I don't think it is too much to expect your sister to enquire after you or your child's health, even if she doesn't want to discuss children endlessly (and, crucially, even if she has had fertility problems). I agree with others that cutting her off seems extreme, but in your shoes I'd probably be substantially reducing my level of effort in the relationships.

Going nc in my view should be the last resort, and only considered if there is abuse of some kind.
Someone not being into kids is really is no reason at all. How would she ever understand what it’s like to have a baby in SC if she has never had a baby etc, she just sees that he is fine now no worries.

You probably need counselling op to talk through your feelings and the stress you went through.

I can’t express the level of disinterest some people who don’t want kids have in other people’s kids.
You are expecting her to be interested because it matters to you, and she is your sister, but you simply cannot make other people care about your interests, no matter how important it is to you, or how supposedly close you are to the other person.
Do you have mum friends you can hang out with with the kids and discuss kid stuff? Trying to get your sister to care will simply never work and will only end in tears.
Also, re the comment about her caring more about the dog than the kids - I don’t think it’s any surprise she doesn’t feel like making an effort! If you can’t get past her not being interested, then go ahead and cut her off. She may well feel relieved.

@jellywelly467 what would happen if you just didn’t contact her? Don’t make the first move to get in touch, arrange a meet up etc? Let her suggest things and see if you feel like meeting, or just see her if you’re both seeing your Mum. So you haven’t cut contact, you just don’t instigate it. And if she doesn’t either then that seems like the right outcome, and if she does then it sounds like she does want you in her life even if she doesn’t have the basic courtesy to ask how you are and you can decide how much of her company you’re prepared to tolerate for a quiet life.

Crikey calm down.

If you think about it, is she actually interested in anything about anyone else's life? Was she interested when you got promoation, nice new car, bought/rented your first house?

This is a very good idea - no drama required.

I also wonder why she is trying so hard to avoid the subject of children if she is really so happy with her decision. Those women that seem truly content to be child free tend to enjoy the company of children in small doses and are never consumed with vitriol of any kind. They seem to be open to other peoples choices too. I’m not getting that vibe from your sister from what you have said.

You can cut off your sister if you like. You don't need permission.

You sound very over-dramatic and unreasonable to me but if you hate your sister, you hate your sister.

Very silly to block your sister re. her not giving your DC the attention you think she should. Think long term - if she doesn't have any of her own - it may be a long shot - but you do not want her disinheriting your DC because of your attitude. Anyway children need to learn from difference experiences in relationships.

@jellywelly467 You are being absolutely ridiculous.

It's called ''The selfish gene'' - We are driven to think our own children are marvellous- but relatives don't.

WHY should your sister be fussing over your children?

Other people's babies are of no interest to most people.

I was thinking this too OP. It would be more taxing on you to do the whole ND thing or make a big statement.

It sounds like you've just been through the mill with a baby in hospital and so emotions are running high and so it has more impact than it would ordinarily.

Are you sure its just rudeness on her part, or is she going through something herself at the moment? Would your mum know?

If it is just rudeness, I think it would be less stressful and more productive for you to quietly fade back let her get on with it and focus on your little family and people who do make you feel good and treat you well.

You are aware that women without children always say they don’t want them right? Have you considered for one minute this might not actually be a choice?

I understand why you’re upset with her, and why you don’t really get on in general.

Be honest, though - why do you want to “cut her off” rather than just not bothering to make the effort? Why does it need to be this big line in the sand? Are you trying to punish her? Or is it because you’re secretly hoping that being cut off will make her see the light somehow; that she’ll realise she’s been terribly cruel by not making more of a fuss of you and your children and will beg for your forgiveness?

If it is for one of these reasons, I think you need to mentally prepare yourself for the fact that she might just not give a damn. I don’t say this to be cruel, but given her attitude so far, it’s a distinct possibility. You might be hoping that your decision will be a “Ha! That showed HER!” moment, but there’s no guarantee that will happen. How will you feel if you make the big gesture and her reaction is more of a shrug than shock and dismay? I think you could end up feeling worse than you did to begin with.

You have people in your life who love you and your children. Concentrate on them and enjoy those relationships rather than dwelling on why your sister isn’t as interested or engaged as you’d like.

this

I find your posts are extremely me-me-me. Maybe she literally doesn’t care? She could absolutely be indifferent towards children - there’s nothing wrong with that. Maybe she just doesn’t like you 🤷‍♀️. Maybe she’s over you and your three pregnancies and three births and three babies 🤷‍♀️. It’s allowed. There’s no good reason why she shouldn’t be allowed to be this way, or that this means she deserves to be cut off. I mean, do what you want, but imo you’d be the one in the wrong.

It’s appalling to me that you’d acknowledge that she may not care but that you’d rather she fake it. Why would anyone say that?

Anyway, congrats on the birth. Personally I lovely scrumptious newborns and can’t wait for the next one to make an appearance in my life! They’re delicious (especially when you’re not the one getting up in the night with them 😂).

I prefer dogs to kids , and I've got four of my own (kids) 😬

You're different people, and you're allowed to be. You aren't interested in the "career woman" lifestyle and she's not interested in the "mum" lifestyle or kids.

You don't have to be invested in each others thing just cos you're sisters. You are allowed to just see each other occasionally.

You don't have to cut her off because she's not a kid person and you have kids.