I want to cut off my sister

[jellywelly467]

We’re 1 year apart and have completely different lives. Shes career focused, I’m a mum of 3 and a sahm (which I’m happy with, I’ve always wanted children this isn’t a jealousy thing). I feel very sad about how she treats my children, she isn’t at all interested in them and makes zero effort to see them. She met my brand new baby last week after he’d been in special care and she was so disinterested. Didn’t ask how I felt, didn’t ask how he was doing, only asked to hold him after I’d said to my mum ‘see she’s more interested in strangers dogs than her own nephew’ so assuming my mum made a comment to her (we met at a park for context, she walked metres ahead majority of the time and stopped random people to stroke their dogs and ignored the kids most of the time). I get not everyone likes kids, that’s fine, but fuck me it’s an hour or two just fake it? I’m not interested in career chat but I still asked about her work and her recent interview etc because I have basic manners

I just feel like blocking her on everything. If we weren’t related by blood I would not even know her or have contact at all so why fake it because we’re sisters

(Oh and re my previous point, have you tried speaking to her about it first, at a time when you aren’t upset and can be calm? Just explaining as here that it feels one sided, she may not be interested in your kids but it would be nice if she was interested in you (which may involve chat about kids as they are part of your life). She may be utterly blind as to how her behaviour is coming across).

@jellywelly467 - as other posters have said, there is no need for a dramatic Going No Contact, blocking her on everything move. Just stop making the effort to try to get her involved in your life and your children's lives. Let her make any contact, or suggest any meet-ups, while you concentrate on spending time with your family and friends.

Basically, the more you fret or worry or obsess about her, the more space she will take up in your head - and you don't want to let her live there rent free. If you take the focus off her and her behaviour, and onto things that make you happy, like your children, your cousin and your good friends, you will be happier - and that is what matters.

I imagine the OP wants to cut contact completely as she feels so hurt and doesn't want to feel like she's waiting around for her sister to be interested ...

Sorry OP, it does sound very upsetting, but I think in the long run a big family drama will be more upsetting for you (and for your Mum).

I’m amazed at how many people here think it’s okay for OP’s sister to not ask a single question about her newborn nephew who’s had health issues. OP isn’t asking for her sister to fawn over the baby - she just wants a sign that her sister gives a single solitary fuck about this child’s well-being, and, by extension, his mother’s.

”How’s he doing, now that he’s out of special care?” is a bog-standard small-talk courtesy. Add that to the sister’s hostile reaction to OP’s kids even being mentioned, and no wonder OP wants to cut her off.

i wouldn’t cut her off, OP, but I wouldn’t get in touch with her. You can see her at larger family events and say a few words and leave it at that.

I would go low contact.

All the people don't care about other people's kids thing is just some weird Mumsnet nonsense. It is completely normal to love and care about your niece and nephews

I'm not remotely interested in accounting - surely the dullest of all careers - but I pretend to be very interested for the sake of my SIL, who is an accountant. And I genuinely am interested in how a career in accounting affects my SIL and her life, because I care about my SIL.

You're getting a hard time on here because it's motherhood related, op. If you'd come on and said "I just had an appendectomy and my sister hasn't even asked how it went" I doubt you'd get lots of condescending replies saying "oh but you see OP, your internal organs might be important to you but they're not interesting to anyone else"

I completely agree and am going to steal that appendectomy line for the future!

Perhaps she’s got other stuff in her life that she’s finding hard. People don’t always share that stuff.

Haha go for it @Mousielane

Another analogy - I'm sure I read something along these lines on a similar thread once;

OP, you remind me of my friend who cut me off when I didn't ask her how she was doing when her grandmother died. What she obviously, selfishly in fact, fails to understand is that other people's OAPs just aren't interesting 🤷‍♀️

I'm sorry op but you being Abit ott on this. Just go low contact... Your sister doesn't have to be interested in your children just like you don't have to be interested in her life. Low contact and see how it goes. So pleased baby is home x

It can be hard to adjust when someone close to you has kids and you're no longer the most important person in their lives. And for people who don't like children it can be really, really exhausting having to Perform Interest when there isn't really any. This is something you chose for yourself and she probably feels a bit annoyed about it (I know this isn't reasonable but since when were humans reasonable).

Honestly, I don't love my nieces and nephews. Is this weird? Maybe it is. I'm glad their parents are happy, though, and I definitely ask how they are getting on, show interest in their lives etc.

Something has stopped you from going ahead and blocking her and something has made you seek opinions here. You are understandably hurt and angry but don’t act on that right now, give it a few weeks and se how you feel then. Just resign yourself to the fact she is unlikely to ever engage with your children or you in conversations about them.

Unless she is hiding something like fertility issues or her partner refuses to have children, her behaviour is a bit extreme for just not liking children.

But our siblings are the people who will be in our lives/know us the longest which can be a good thing. If in a few weeks you decide it isn’t, cut her off then

What’s her situation? 9 times out of 10 someone who actively talks about how awful it would be to have children is masking that they really do want them but are unable to have them. My friends who genuinely don’t want children don’t talk about it all the time! However I do have single friends who have missed the fertility boat and tell me how shit being a parent is. I just nod along even though I don’t agree (I love being a mum) because they are in pain. It wouldn’t be ok for me to tell them that I think life without kids would be awful for me because that’s something that is a reality for them.

I would be very hurt by this. I was in my 20s and full throttle in my career when one of my sisters had three kids. I wasn't a baby person at all but obviously I doted on my nieces and nephew, they're now in their late teens and we are bonded for life. My five year old now adores both my sisters which is wonderful. Your sister has missed out big time in my view, with kids you get what you put in.

I do wonder if she's protesting a bit too loudly at not wanting kids though? Something sounds off to me.

She sounds rude and is probably quite self-centred. My sibling has never shown any interest whatsoever in my children. I've just accepted it. I don't really find it especially baffling or hurtful though and I wouldn't consider cutting him off. We're fairly low contact I suppose because we just have very different lives with very different priorities.

Before actually cutting her off, cut her off emotionally. Stop expecting anything meaningful from her and just see her at family gatherings - be civil but don't volunteer stuff about your life. See how that goes.

She does seem mean not to even ask if you are OK after having the baby and him having been in scbu.

The only thing I wonder is whether she is jealous that you have dc.

I think that despite her protestations about not wanting children she probably envies you your life. Is she in a relationship? Most people, when they are that nasty, it is because of jealousy. She probably envies you your husband, children and happy life. Probably not even admitting it to herself.

OP, I was waiting to hear how you've shown interest in her life. Have you asked her how her career is going? Do you know if she's struggling with workload or colleagues? Have you invited her out for drinks just you and her, without your children in tow - maybe in a few mo ths' time when you feel up to it? It's a 2-way street.

But some do, some genuinely mean it. No way of telling.
But probably worth the op being aware it's a possibility.

I think she sounds awful. She is firmly attached to her 'I never want to have kids' status and isn't even going to budge for own family. In fact, she wants to take every opportunity to enforce it.

You can accept her for that but it looks like she can't accept you for who you are.
It would be better to just go low contact and forget your expectations of her being interested in you or your family.

If she doesn't have children she may have no clue about the things you are so worked up about. I can say that before my dc, I had zero interest or no clue about anything baby related when around friends/family with dc. I literally never thought about meeting up around nap times because I thought a baby could sleep anywhere. You sound highly dramatic.

I suspect there’s a lot more to the story. Her behaviour seems extreme for someone who simply doesn’t like children.

She sounds rude and selfish, I wouldn't bother going no contact as it will just case drama. I wouldn't bother messaging her or keeping in contact in anyway though

Nothing to be jealous of, is there? The sister is already happy, adding a husband and unwanted kids is unlikely to make her ecstatic.

Do you show any interest in her life, OP?