Seeing GDG on her birthday

[billygoatstuff]

My DGD turned 2 last week. I had been excited about seeing her on her birthday, birthdays are very important to me and always have been. My DS and DIL both work full time normally, but they took the day off and took her out of nursery so they could have a family day out.

I mentioned to my DS and my DIL a few times that I wanted to see DGD on her actual birthday in the weeks leading up to it. Then a few days before I asked DS if I could come round in the morning of her birthday, before they went out. Just to pop in and give her presents etc. He told me no, they were leaving at 9am and wouldn't have time to see me before, but I could come in the afternoon instead. I pick up my other GDG from school in the afternoon (for my DD), my DS knows this so he knew I wouldn't be able to come round then. The morning was the only time that worked for all of us.

I feel quite sad that I didn't get to see GDG on her birthday and a bit hurt that my DS and DIL didn't try harder to accommodate this. AIBU?

YABU: they said no to the morning and that's disappointing for you but it just didn't work for them - fair enough.
YANBU: knowing how important it was to you, they should have made more effort to let you see DGD on her birthday.

Why did you agree to have your other DGD if it meant to much to you to see the birthday girl?

YABU, though not AS unreasonable as my FIL...

• We organised a birthday day out the day before DS birthday. He cancelled the day before because he wanted to see his other grandchild (who he sees much more often and isn't his birthday).
• he then asks to see her on the morning of her birthday. We point out she's at nursery and we are working. But he can come round later that afternoon after her nap (from 3pm)
• 3pm is 'too late' - can he come at 1 instead. No, she'll be asleep. Agrees to come the following day (non nursery day instead)
• cancels that visit, said he'll rearrange.
• following weekend, he phones up 10am Sunday morning asking if he can see him that morning. We tell him that he's out on a prearranged playdate with other family, but why doesn't he join us after 3 and stay for dinner. He says he can't do nights any more, only mornings.
• I suggest next weekend or a non nursery day. He says he'll think about it
• half an hour later he dumps his birthday present on top of our bin and leaves it for us to find.

YABU

FWIW OP, knowing that it meant that much to you, I would have found a way to make it work (inviting you for a cup of tea while we ate breakfast etc. Unless there is a huge back story haha
You sound like a lovely granny.

In our family we alternate Xmas Day, one year with us, the next year with DIL's parents. You really can't expect to have them every year, or even for them always to leave home.

When our children were little we rushed from one GP to the next and it was quite stressful. I vowed I would never expect that from my adult children.

Ahh the famed overbearing mother/MIL which seems so prevalent on the internet but I'm yet to meet anyone who's encountered such a thing in real life

Since getting married we've done Christmas just us. Several birthdays too. Sometimes we see other family on these days, but mostly it's just us (and now DC). All our family (both sides) do it this way. Most of our friends (again, both sides) do it this way.

It's a day. As long as you get to spend time with loved ones around a special time for them (because it is their special time, not yours), it doesn't matter if it's the date on the calendar or the weekend near it, or (in the case of my last birthday meal, because of illness) the following month.

Being devastated, internally or publicly, because you didn't see someone on a specific date is something you need to get over and work on.

it is about her though, the 2 year old has a lifetime of birthdays ahead, granny doesn't.

I think you'll find that Granny does also have a lifetime of birthdays ahead. That's rather how it works.

YABU. The morning didn't suit them.
I think you need to start managing your expectations - devasted if you didn't see her on Xmas day is quite dramatic, presumably DIL has a family who they may spend holidays with?

Incorrectness aside, it's still not about granny. It's a little girls birthday, so it's about the little girl.

sorry, YABU. As the mother in this kind of scenario it would drive me insane having all and sundry trying to make me fit them into my day - so i always say "no"

I don't think you're being totally UR.

My parents, certainly my mum, would have come on the family day with us. But I do know that being a MIL is different to being a Mum.

Sorry it didn't work out for you this time.

YABU
I am yet another Granny. Just think of the well deserved lovely day your son, DIL and grandchild will be having. They should not have to work out timings to slot you in. You can see your grandchild in a few days.

YABVU

Who cares if birthdays are "important to you". They had plans and you could see her another time around her birthday. Are you always so entitled when it comes to your grandchildren?

YABU: you say in your opening post that the morning was the only time “that worked for all
of us.” - It clearly did not work for all of you and I think this is where you might want to think about how reasonable your hurt at your DS and DiL not being accommodating is as you not going round later, albeit from the other side of town with DGDs cousin is equally unaccommodating

I think you've been a bit selfish OP. Both parents work full time and had booked this day off specifically to have a day out with their little one. They had also already accommodated the wider family with a party that you attended.

You pushed the issue where they felt obliged to suggest you could visit in the afternoon but you should have been more sensitive to the fact that this was their special day with their child IMO.

I also think it is unhealthy to be devastated at not seeing your grandchild every Xmas day, even privately. Don't you have your own life, friends, other family members?

It sounds like you enjoy a nice relationship with your son and his wife, don't jeopardise that.

I mentioned to my DS and my DIL a few times that I wanted to see DGD on her actual birthday in the weeks leading up to it.

That was your first mistake and it would be a straight up NO from me as long as I had breath in my body.

Weekend parties, one in all in, all welcome, I want, never ever gets in my world.

Yabu

yabu. I would have tried harder to accommodate my mum though.

2 year olds remember nothing - whether it’s a day out, or seeing granny.

I’m a granny of 5, and I wouldn't worry too much.🙂

This.

Oh dear;

I'm a grandparent. These things are not always possible

They might have other family or other plans.

They might move!

Just enjoy the times you see her. Be careful not to come over as demanding because then you'll meet resistance

@billygoatstuff , you need to accept that although they may be main characters in your life, you are not a main character in theirs.

Please send my best wishes to your DIL. 🤭