Seeing GDG on her birthday

[billygoatstuff]

My DGD turned 2 last week. I had been excited about seeing her on her birthday, birthdays are very important to me and always have been. My DS and DIL both work full time normally, but they took the day off and took her out of nursery so they could have a family day out.

I mentioned to my DS and my DIL a few times that I wanted to see DGD on her actual birthday in the weeks leading up to it. Then a few days before I asked DS if I could come round in the morning of her birthday, before they went out. Just to pop in and give her presents etc. He told me no, they were leaving at 9am and wouldn't have time to see me before, but I could come in the afternoon instead. I pick up my other GDG from school in the afternoon (for my DD), my DS knows this so he knew I wouldn't be able to come round then. The morning was the only time that worked for all of us.

I feel quite sad that I didn't get to see GDG on her birthday and a bit hurt that my DS and DIL didn't try harder to accommodate this. AIBU?

YABU: they said no to the morning and that's disappointing for you but it just didn't work for them - fair enough.
YANBU: knowing how important it was to you, they should have made more effort to let you see DGD on her birthday.

I actually don't agree with you OP for being upset privately not to see your grandkids at Christmas - why don't you try to reframe your expectations completely; it's great if you see them, but don't expect it? Because of course it will be a mix of your GD seeing her other grandparents, your son and dil doing their own thing, and years where you get to see them.
It seems they're doing lots of efforts already; offering to accommodate you seeing GD on the day of her birthday on top of inviting you to her birthday party is an example.
I think you need a complete change of mindset.
How is your relationshio with your DIL?

I think going round in the morning would have been difficult if they needed to get out quickly having a visitor with presents would distract her and make it much more difficult for them.
As a grandparent I'm sorry but you are being unreasonable.

But equally it could be quite handy to have someone to look after dc while you pack the car etc. I think they were making a point but maybe op is a bit overbearing as I just read the bit about being devastated about not seeing dgc on Xmas day. Inwardly you might be a bit sad but being devastated is a bit OTT!

We’re a very close family and my mum/in-laws rarely see either DS on their actual birthday. I always do a party the weekend before/after but on the day we’d always do something as a family. This unfortunately wouldn’t involve waiting around for someone to come round with presents which would then need opening, delaying our day further. Might there have been a concern you would have tried to go with them on their day out? Do they have tickets booked for something which they need to leave on time? If they work full time maybe they just wanted a relaxing morning with their little one. I wouldn’t choose this to be upset about to be honest.

OK... so I come from a divorced-parent family with a husband who is also the same and we all live at least an hour's drive from each other. We spent many years trying to accomodate everyone's needs and wishes around birthdays and Christmas but of course we couldn't physically be with all of them on the actual day.

So what we do instead is make a lovely time around celebrating that occasion with each of them, whenever that happens. My kids LOVE having more than one Christmas, more than one birthday etc. Sometimes the celebration is on the day itself. Sometimes it includes welcoming family to a party that friends also come to. Sometimes it means going to the panto together and going out for pizza rather than having a formal Christmas lunch. The key is that the kids have a great time, everyone gets time together to celebrate but it doesn't become this guilt-tripping, emotionally-charged expectation that ANYONE has ownership of anyone else for set dates or times.

And no, none of the grandparents/cousins/aunts/uncles feel remotely devastated not to be with the kids on a specific date because it isn't an all-or-nothing mentality. Everyone calls, sings happy birthday and says Happy Christmas and we can facetime or send silly pics and videos and everyone feels included.

I think it will be easier for you in the long run if you make peace with the fact that your son has his own little family and plans and that what you would like isn't always going to come first. But that doesn't mean you don't matter to them. Or that you are missing out on a key moment in the kids' lives. Re-frame it as a chance to be part of their actual lives and enjoy moments that are special in a new way. If you don't, then you will be permanently worried about what might happen and upset about what does happen and i can promise you that your feelings will be clear to all involved, even if you think you are putting on a brave face. That's why they weren't explicit in their response to your little comments before now. They didn't want/need the sadness and the fall out afterwards.

However, it can be a shock when lots of people tell you that you are wrong, especially when it is something so fundamentally important to you, so I hope you are ok reading all these messages.

Enjoy your kids and grandkids but be the grandparent they are excited to see, not one that over the years has become the duty call and guilt-tripped stress visit.

YABU

you are being very selfish and seeing this as YOUR granddaughter and YOU should get to see her when it suits you when really this is THEIR baby girls birthday and THEY should be able to celebrate how they please without having to work around you.

They aren’t withholding your granddaughter from you just asking you to see her another time.

I think people are being a bit harsh in their replies. I agree with the sentiments but there's no need to be so mean, especially when loads of others already have been.

She'd never admit it, but I think my MIL feels the same as you do. She's a kind and respectful person and I really care about her and want my daughter to spend time with her. But something about her makes me really want to have strong boundaries. I think it's the same with BIL and SIL. She's desperate to see her grandchildren on that side but they say no to her coming on their actual birthdays and they ask her to stay in a hotel rather than at their house. My husband and I have very carefully talked about it with each other and are on the same page.

I think yabu. If there was a party last weekend did you not give her her present then? If I'd seen any relative a few days before their actual birthday for a party I wouldn't expect to see them again.

I know it comes from a good place but YABU. It was my DD’s 1st birthday last year and we spent the day out at the aquarium just the three of us, she had a little party at the weekend with grandparents and aunts/uncles. I wanted to set that tradition early because if you see one family member on the day you have to see them all.

So whilst your son and daughter in law are trying to sort of everything for the day, get a 2yo dressed, breakfasted and out of the door in the least stressful way possible someone else arrives wanting to presents and cuddles and then the 2yo wants to stay at home and play. The parents now have an upset child to sort out, the bags aren't packed yet because tea, coffee and pleasantries with the grandparent was required instead. All of a sudden it's 9.15 they are late and feeling stressed and flustered and like they can't enjoy a simple day out?

I don't care what day of the year it is but we don't have anybody round if we are trying to get out of the door for a set time. It is blooming hard enough without the complication of a beloved grandparent turning up and distracting us and child away from the task at hand leaving without forgetting anything and getting there without the added stress of being late

My daughters grandparents live 5h drive from one another. One is half an hour from us. My daughter is 4 next birthday and neither have seen her on her birthday and this is only likely to change when she has a birthday on a weekend. Christmas we roughly alternate but are flexible which ever family has had the hardest year gets us for Christmas day.

You have to remember that you adore your DGD but she has parents and other grandparents too - you're just one of many who love her, and isn't that wonderful.

I don't think our parents have ever seen our DC on their birthdays - we do a day just us on the day and then have a family party or just a meet up on the weekend before or after. They're loving grandparents much valued by us and adored by our DC, but we get little enough time for days out as a family so we protect the birthdays.

Regardless of occasion I wouldn't invite anyone over on the morning of a day out, it's hard enough getting out with a toddler as it is!

You need to let it go re Christmas, are you devastated for the inlaws if your DGD sees you on Christmas Day and not them?

YABU. I wouldn’t mind betting that your DIL thinks you’re a bit pushy - YOU wanted to see your DGD, but that doesn’t mean it has to happen on your terms. Kudos to your son for sticking to his guns and doing what he and DIL wanted with their daughter. If they both work, an occasional day off for their daughter’s birthday is a big deal - and at two, your DGD won’t know or remember whether she saw you on her birthday or not. Don’t make this all about you and what you want (and I speak as a DGM who is not always able to see the DGC when or as often as I might like!)

No, everyone wouldn’t. Kids have two sets of grandparents, sometimes hours apart, this makes it impossible for them to all see their grandchildren on Christmas Day. I’m struggling to remember a Christmas Day when we’ve seen any of ours.

Good to see you're taking on board what people are saying op. I'm in the privileged position to share a birthday with my granddaughter, and I've made it clear to my son and lovely dil that I absolutely don't expect to see them that day, even though it's my birthday too! Their priority is and should be the little ones and their needs. It's a bonus for me to see them on that day, and so far we've generally all had tea out together so I've been lucky. However I don't expect that to continue as the kids get older!

Your grandchild doesn't even know the day of the week yet, she certainly has no concept of which day is her birthday, in fact spreading it out makes more sense as doing too much is overwhelming. A small family party on the weekend is perfect

@billygoatstuff

As far as Christmas, I suggest you readjust your expectations before you end up falling out with dc, expecting anything is wrong. I have adult dc and of course I don't see them every Christmas because their partners have families too, dont be that MIL. This is why you so many posts about going low contact.

I don't know anyone who always has Christmas with the grandparents. We went ILs one year my family the next. DC cousins never see any of their grandparents on Christmas because SILs MIL kept getting angry over not getting to see the DGC every time she wanted and expected them every Christmas. SIL got sick and tired of the fighting and put a stop to any of the Grandparents getting Christmas with her kids.

Yeah YABU. I am sure you could have made it work in the afternoon.

Well done taking all of the posts on the chin, I'm sure others would have flounced.
You sound like a very caring grandmother but you need to give them space, tell them you are delighted to see GD whenever it's convenient for them.
They work, have kids are running around.....

Regarding Christmas, of course in an ideal world everyone would like to see their family (children/grandchildren etc) on the day but it's not always possible. Don't put pressure on them, you will push them away.

Continue to be there for them. You sound lovely. I got what you meant by devastated it's just a turn of phrase.

YABU. MIL is like this and is exasperating.

Even if we’d had a massive party the day before at the weekend, she’d still expect to come round on the birthday the next day.

Give us some space, you’ve had your time as a parent, let us have ours. It’s quite telling that you framed it as what you like to do on birthdays

People are being harsh because they can tell from the OPs post what sort of overwhelming relative she is 24.7.

never happy with plans if they aren’t exactly what she wants. Always expecting people to bend everything to her high standards and nothing is ever good enough.

the stereotypical mother in law from hell.

YABU. I'm afraid you need to manage your expectations. Just because something is important to you it doesn't mean everyone else should accommodate it. On your birthday, you can decide how you wish to spend it but you don't get to decide how everybody else should spends their day.

‘The morning was the only time that worked for all of us.’ No, that’s clearly not true, the morning was the time that suited you, and only you. YABU.

Yabu they had a party you attended that.

also you shouldn’t be disappointed about this or Christmas when you don’t see them in the day. You should be happy for them that they have exciting plans of their own that you’ve raised a son who’s independent and can fly his own nest without needing a handhold everywhere it means you did your job right.

I hate the fact that grandparents always bloody want to video call Christmas day/birthdays the times we don’t visit it just interrupts the flow of the day and makes it a big thing of having to stop what your doing and sit down and answer the million questions with a child who would frankly rather be off playing with their new toys or whatever.

Same as the actual visit can’t go out because Mils coming at 5pm and my mum wants to video at 7pm. Well there goes the whole frigging evening after school since dh doesn’t get home till 5:30pm and one child doesn’t till 4:30pm so can’t do anything before the visit either. The child just wants to get changed and get their birthday treat dinner but now are just getting eugh.

I am not devastated about these things as I realise that my grandchildren have other families that love them equally.

I know the love, but be careful not to make it stifling.