Seeing GDG on her birthday

[billygoatstuff]

My DGD turned 2 last week. I had been excited about seeing her on her birthday, birthdays are very important to me and always have been. My DS and DIL both work full time normally, but they took the day off and took her out of nursery so they could have a family day out.

I mentioned to my DS and my DIL a few times that I wanted to see DGD on her actual birthday in the weeks leading up to it. Then a few days before I asked DS if I could come round in the morning of her birthday, before they went out. Just to pop in and give her presents etc. He told me no, they were leaving at 9am and wouldn't have time to see me before, but I could come in the afternoon instead. I pick up my other GDG from school in the afternoon (for my DD), my DS knows this so he knew I wouldn't be able to come round then. The morning was the only time that worked for all of us.

I feel quite sad that I didn't get to see GDG on her birthday and a bit hurt that my DS and DIL didn't try harder to accommodate this. AIBU?

YABU: they said no to the morning and that's disappointing for you but it just didn't work for them - fair enough.
YANBU: knowing how important it was to you, they should have made more effort to let you see DGD on her birthday.

YABU. The same would also apply if this were about Christmas.

Ot was their family day to enjoy with their daughter. They want different traditions to yours. Thats fine

See them on another day

You sound like a lovely grandparent, but you are putting too much emphasis on the "actual day", meaning that your dc are forced to prioritise your wants over their family plans, giving them extra stress and potentially putting a strain on family relationships. Christmas Day can be recreated for your dgc on Boxing Day, for example, and you can have a special birthday party at grannies house on the weekend after a dgc's birthday. This is about quality time, and is far more precious than snatching a few minutes on the actual day.

OP, this is something you’ll have to get your head around. Your DC might choose to spend Christmas with the other grandparents, on holiday abroad, on their own…

I’m a bit worried for you that your expectations are going to have the opposite effect to the one you want - you’ll end up pushing your DC away.

My MIL lives locally and always contacts us a week or two before her grandchildren's birthdays, so that she can arrange a time to pop over before their birthday and give them their card and present.

We pick a time that suits everyone and when the kids are going to be available and relaxed. Then we all have a cup of tea together and a chat.

My MIL is very lovely, and as the kids have grown up (they're teenagers now) they really appreciate how nice she is and how lucky they are to have her in their lives. She has never been pushy or overbearing, and now in the school holidays they ask to visit her and help her out in her garden.

YABU

They tried to accommodate but you weren’t willing to change your plans. You saw your child the weekend before at a party for their birthday - THIS was the time to celebrate.

As for Christmas - you better get prepared to not see your grandchildren. If you’re lucky, you may see them every other year. There are other family members at play here and it would be incredibly selfish of you to expect to see them, not thinking about the other set of grandparents/family members. They might also want to spend time as a family unit on their own.

Since I’ve had my son, my view on family has changed. Before I had him, my extended family came first and I would bend over backwards for them all. Now I’ve had him, he and my husband are MY family and we as a 3 come first before anything else - our wants/needs come first before the wants and needs of others. It is lovely that people want to be involved in his life and they are, massively, but not to the detriment of us as a family unit.

I hope that you can understand that and that your actions don’t drive your DS away.

Can't you go round in the evening

You should definitely be happy with just seeing her at the party her parents organised for her birthday OP! I'm really surprised you even pushed for seeing her on the day of her birthday, on top of the actual birthday party, when you knew her parents had especially taken a day off to be with her.
They probably said yes to you coming during the afternoon to be polite! You need to manage your expectations and not be intrusive, and I say that with kindness as you also seem to be a very involved and loving grandma, which is great for your grandaughter.

I'm a Grandma and I think you're BU but I understand you wanting to see DGD.

I work full time so often can't see my DGCs on their birthday and I rarely see them on Christmas Day (maybe once or twice in 12 years).

But that's fine. We do birthday things on other days and have a Christmas celebration together after Christmas.

Don't be 'that' Grandmother who thinks it's all about her.

I would hate this as a parent; to feel the weight of your expectation and guilt of not accommodating you etc

If seeing her on the day of as important then you would take the time a lot offered to you by the parents as it sounds like you are the inflexible one who could take birthday girl’s cousin round to celebrate.

I think it’s best that you realise that your traditions and expectations aren’t going to be shared by the parents who are developing theirs. If you are rigid with “on the day” expectations then you are setting yourself up for lots of future conflict. Enjoy your gd’s company if she’s available but life is complicated and sometimes she’ll need to travel to her maternal grandparents for special occasions like Christmas or they may want the day alone. By pressuring them with your expectations, you are making what should be a happy day, a day of obligation and guilt.

YABU.

Having someone (even a much loved granny) come round with presents etc early in the morning just before a day out with a toddler would be nightmare for most parents. It sounds like the parents arranged a family party just before the birthday then wanted to take their DD out for the day on her actual birthday. They offered an option of popping round in the afternoon but that didn't work for OP. That's just one of those things.

OP- do you expect that you will be able to see your DGD on her actual birthday and Xmas day every single year? At what age would be expect that to stop (if at all)? Does this mean you think your son and his family should never go away over a birthday/xmas? Or spend it with DIL's family? Or just on their own? What if your DGD wants a full day out with friends for her birthday when she's older? I think for the sake of your relationship with your family you really need to think about this and accept that you will sometimes see them to celebrate on another day and that is not a reflection on how much the care for you, it's just life.

YABVVU

You were told.

If you wanted to see her so much you could easily have driven to “the other side of town”…sounds like you couldn’t be bothered to put yourself out but expected them to bend over backwards for you.

You got an invite to her party.

Your DIL is elsewhere on this forum starting a thread about you because you are acting like “that” MIL!

So how does this work then?

Do you host everyone every Christmas Day including all your grandchildren's other grandparents? What about your grandchildren's cousins on the other side of the family and their other grandparents? Where does it stop?

Or is it OK for other grandparents not to spend Christmas Day with their grandchildren, as long as you get to spend every Christmas Day with yours?

Yabu. You sound like my MIL, who I don't speak to anymore.

Oh dear...
It's nice that you're so into your DGD, but devastated? Seriously??

No. I'd be a bit sad but I hope I would accept that there are more family members than just me to spend Christmas day with. What if they went to her parents next Christmas? And yours the Christmas after? That's what lots of families do.

Wow, I expected to get a mix of responses, but it seems like everyone agrees I have BU in this case. Thank you for the honesty, it's difficult to read but given me food for thought. The last thing I want is to push my DS and his family away.

On the Christmas/ birthday point - of course I understand there will be times when they are with DIL family or away, I wouldn't kick up a fuss about this obviously, but I would be upset about it though privately. I think most people would be. That's what I meant by "devastated".

I'm glad you're not my MIL. Is every occasion about you first and foremost?
I can't think of anything worse than someone popping by with presents first thing while I'm trying to get the whole family ready for a day out!
But you think it's a great idea because your GD birthday is special...for you..!

I hope you are not telling your ds/dsil this along with "I mentioned to my DS and my DIL a few times that I wanted to see DGD on her actual birthday in the weeks leading up to it"

Realistically, you are not going to see them every birthday day or Christmas day as hopefully your ds/dsil are prioritising making it special for themselves and their child - like this birthday where they have a day planned out.

As a grandparent it is fine to say I'd love to see them on the day (say it casually once!), then you work around the parents plans and if that means you see them at the party the weekend before, or boxing day instead of Christmas day then that is ok, and normal in many families.

YABU.

Are you expecting their every Christmas to revolve around your plans so that you can see your GC?

We don't see any grandparents on Christmas day. They're spread across the country, it wouldn't be fair, we've made our own traditions and often go on holiday for Christmas and we're much happier for it. DD is 10 and we've already told her, however she wants to spend Christmas when she's grown up, there will always be a spare bed and a seat at the table for her (and any additional guests) if she wants it, but it will never be an expectation.

You really need to toughen up OP. Your adult kids have their own kids now, that is their immediate family and you are now wider family. Pushy grandparents have meant that we now see no one between xmas eve and the 27th and celebrate as a family because the passive aggressive sulking from grandparents was infuriating and ruined our experience of xmas. Same with birthdays, we always make a point of doing something as a family then see wider family at a later date. Kindly, you have had your children and enjoyed their childhood, let your children have the same without interfering.

YABU

I don’t think YABU. Provided you have a good relationship with the parents, they sound like they’re just being a bit difficult to make the point that it’s THEIR day and you aren’t being included and need to butt out.

Quite frankly, if my kids grandparents wanted to pop in early on the morning before we were going out for a birthday celebration they weren’t included in (that’s fair enough as there was a weekend party ), it would be a bit inconvenient but being a reasonable person I’d try to accommodate the request. Sure fine come round have a quick cup of tea but we need to leave by x o’clock.…

2 year olds don’t remember anything but in the moment they’d probably be delighted to see their grandparent and open another little present.

So I don’t agree you have any automatic rights to anything, but they sound a bit precious. Hopefully they will mellow in time.