Seeing GDG on her birthday

[billygoatstuff]

My DGD turned 2 last week. I had been excited about seeing her on her birthday, birthdays are very important to me and always have been. My DS and DIL both work full time normally, but they took the day off and took her out of nursery so they could have a family day out.

I mentioned to my DS and my DIL a few times that I wanted to see DGD on her actual birthday in the weeks leading up to it. Then a few days before I asked DS if I could come round in the morning of her birthday, before they went out. Just to pop in and give her presents etc. He told me no, they were leaving at 9am and wouldn't have time to see me before, but I could come in the afternoon instead. I pick up my other GDG from school in the afternoon (for my DD), my DS knows this so he knew I wouldn't be able to come round then. The morning was the only time that worked for all of us.

I feel quite sad that I didn't get to see GDG on her birthday and a bit hurt that my DS and DIL didn't try harder to accommodate this. AIBU?

YABU: they said no to the morning and that's disappointing for you but it just didn't work for them - fair enough.
YANBU: knowing how important it was to you, they should have made more effort to let you see DGD on her birthday.

Yabu. The morning clearly didn't work for everyone as your son said no to that. It sounds like you wanted to guilt trip them into letting you do what you wanted and now you are pissed off they stood up to you.

Your options were to take your other grandchild around in the pm, arrange other care for her or arrange a didn't day to see the birthday child.

I would be devastated to not see my DGC on Christmas Day, wouldn't anyone?! Thankfully that hasn't happened yet.

They didn't say anything really, not yes but not no either.

YABU They planned a day just the three of them and tried to accommodate you.

YABU...take the hint.

YABU - surely seeing her at the weekend just extends the birthday celebrations?!

My MIL is like you and it makes birthdays really stressful - your son shouldn’t have to plan his child’s birthday around you and your expectations. Also not fair on your DIL’s family either if you monopolize her.

I think it's quite obvious YABU! They probably didn't say anything in the run up to the birthday because they might have been able to sense you wouldn't take no for an answer.

I also think from your reply you best get prepared for the first Christmas you don't see them too!

Birthdays are lovely, but just days. Leave them to be their little family unit sometimes - there was a family party which you went to, which sounds lovely.

Yabu, just because it’s something you want, it might not be what they want or are able to do. You sound a bit entitled to think you should be able to see your grandchild just because it’s important to you.

I never saw any grandparents on any of my birthdays because they didn't live locally. Also, fuss about birthdays just wasn't a thing - a few friends for tea, and that was it. The world didn't - and shouldn't - stop for birthdays. And she's 2 - she has no idea. This, at the very least, is about the child not their relatives.

They had plans in the morning, you had plans in the afternoon.

Unfortunately as a grandparent you're going to learn that you can't demand time and expect parents to change their plans, just as you didn't change yours.

Also I wouldn't put so much emphasis on birthdays, the party is the time to celebrate. Try not to put so much expectation and pressure on things, people have busy lives and lots of people to accommodate. Yes you are an important part of that but I find people are always more willing to see grandparents and extended family members when not forced or feeling obligated.

Better start bracing yourself now, OP. You have no automatic right to see your grandchildren on Christmas Day and it’s a very rare situation in which it happens every year.

You saw your granddaughter at her celebration on the weekend (or will if it’s this weekend, I wasn’t clear which.) That’s plenty of celebrating. Your son and DIL have their own family and plans now.

It's also not usual to see grandchildren on every Xmas Day - I don't know a single person who has done that. There are in laws, there is a need to just be quietly at home alone, parents may work at Xmas, the family may go away on holiday.... so many reasons. Please, OP, I think you need to give this family their own space.

The morning wasn't a time that worked for everyone, because it didn't work for them. Sorry you are disappointed but YABU.

I think you should’ve made the effort and driven across town with the other DGC.
They obviously had to be somewhere by a certain time and I find parents dropping in during the morning too much of a rush and stressful too when we have plans.

Oh my god you’re one of those.

seriously, you’ll need to back off otherwise you’ll never get invited!!

you remind me of my MIL, she was SO desperate to get to see her grand kids on Christmas Day ( as she always did blah blah ) she spent it with her sons ex wife rather than her son ( he was having them Boxing Day but that wasn’t good enough) . Nasty cow behaviour that was. He isn’t over it.

would be devastated to not see my DGC on Christmas Day, wouldn't anyone?! Thankfully that hasn't happened yet.

But it might happen one day, and if it does, you need to be accepting of it, not 'devastated'. Maybe one Christmas they will want to spend it with DILs family, or just on their own, or even on holiday?

I’m trying to say this kindly - would it help you to think back to the time when your own children were toddlers and consider how you felt about your parents and PIL - would they have been insistent on visiting your children on their birthdays / and if so, how you felt?

If you would also be devastated not to see DGC on Christmas day that could also bring problems for you in the future.

I think you might be happier if you make it about them, rather than about you.

This. Why couldn't you visit in the afternoon with your other DGC?

I do feel for you, but yeah YABU.

You may love your DGD very much but you had your turn with your own DC. It is now DS and DIL turn to be parents and while you may want to see them on birthdays and Christmas etc it is not always going to happen. Your wants do not trump others and you will have to learn to compromise a bit more otherwise I foresee a lot of angst and upset for you and them.

If you push your wants too much, they are more likely to push back and you may be the one losing out

You would be 'devestated' not to see your grandchild on Christmas day?

This is their child, not yours, you raised your kids, you had the Christmases and birthdays the way you wanted them, now you're trying to guilt them and insert yourself into birthdays and Christmas for their child too.

This is probably the start if them drawing a boundary because you're being overbearing.

I'm not a granny yet, but my son is getting married soon, and I've already made it very clear that they do things their way and I wont be offended or upset at all, this will be the same if they have dc. This is their time, not mine.

The morning worked for you, not them. I'm sorry, but you are unreasonable to assume they will change their plans when you couldn't change yours

Sorry, but it's not all about you and what you want.

Birthdays do not revolve around the wishes of one of the birthday person's grandparents. This is true at any age.

Honestly this attitude seems very self-centred.

'I would be devastated to not see my DGC on Christmas Day, wouldn't anyone?! Thankfully that hasn't happened yet.'

Your son and his wife work full time, has it not entered your selfish and entitled brain just once that they might want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them?