I can't move on from this situation with SIL AIBU

[BitterAndTwistAndShout]

I am pretty sure I posted about this a few years ago, but unfortunately I am here again, because I just can't move on from it.

A few years ago DH and I had a massive falling out and we separated at his request, but stayed in the same house. It went on for months. We just grew apart. We got back together again, because at the end of the day we love each other very much.

When this happened my PIL told my DH that they didn't think it was a good idea, that despite not having an amazing relationship with me, I was a great wife and we had a lovely family etc. However, they thought he was leaving, and it was over, so they didn't bother with me again, nor my DC. They didn't speak to me or them until we got back together months later.

At the beginning of this, my SIL told my DH that he should leave, and that he could go live in her house, she would be there for him, and that he could bring my DC to stay in her house. My SIL was single. Also, that she didn't understand what my problem is, as she had been nothing but lovely to me etc. which is just laughable. She cut contact with me too.

The reason why I have been triggered again is because she sent a link to her social media about something (she is a middle age woman who needs constant validation via her SM) and when I looked at it, and scrolled back a bit, I saw multiple posts about how her DB was having a really hard time, there for you bro, with pictures of them together meeting up during our separation. There is one picture where she took a selfy of them with a caption saying, "bringing my bro some info and documents he needs". Hmm, wonder what that was? My DH and her are not even close.

Now I get that family needs to support when a marriage breaks down, but no one on my side acted like this. They supported us both. Also, her offer of a soft landing made it easy for my DH to leave. Where was she, and my PIL when my young DC were crying asking what was happening and if their dad was leaving? I don't want to hang out with people I don't trust, and who conspire against me and enable devastating my DC.

So, the issue I have now is that the weather is getting better. PIL are arranging BBQ's and wants us all together. My SIL wants us to play The Waltons with her and her new BF of 3 months that she is trying to impress and keeps inviting us over for dinner or lunch. I'm running out of excuses before I get asked directly what my problem is. My DH doesn't really go anywhere without me because he's too lazy to make an effort.

I just despise her. She swans around with a self righteous attitude like she is a nice person, but she isn't. She's done things to others that confirm to me that she has no morals or integrity. I just don't want to hang out with, or have anything to do with her. I'm not that impressed with PIL either, but at least they tried to talk my DH round and I have already reconciled to myself that I won't ever lift a finger for them which they now need. We don't see them that often because I dropped the rope WRT arranging things.

AIBU to still be this bitter? I am just not a forgiving person.

JFC the drama. Just move on.
People pick sides during break ups, she was supporting her DB.

You split. She supported her DB. It’s not normal to live together when split so she offered her sibling a home.

Get over it.

Your OP is utterly unpleasant about her.

Grow up. If there’s drama, stop feeding it.

Also, her offer of a soft landing made it easy for my DH to leave.

I think you're being a bit ridiculous. If DH and I were separating, my parents would of course tell me I would be welcome to move on with them. I don't think that's at all uncommon for family to do that.

She sounds a bit annoying on social media, but that's up to her.

I think you’re being really petty and a bit weird to resent your SIL for supporting her own brother when his marriage was breaking down. You had split up. What did you expect her to do? He’s her brother. She didn’t know you were getting back together.

FWIW, if you’ve seen a family member going through all the stress of a marriage breakdown and have heard about all their difficulties with their spouse, it’s pretty understandable not to think it’s a good idea for them to get back together. I supported my sister through a breakup and my main thought when she got back together with the man in question was “Not this again”. I didn’t have any problem with him at all - I liked him, and my sister can be hard work in a relationship. But having spent months hearing my sister agonising over all the things that split them up, I obviously wasn’t super thrilled when she announced she was going in for round two.

I wouldn't bother making excuses. I would just say I won't be going to the BBQ

It’s reasonable she was on her brothers side. Embarrassing that she posts personal family things like that on social media though.
If your husband can’t be bothered meeting his family then that’s the solution. You could easily have minimal involvement but I sense you might like the drama. Next time you get an invite then just ask husband to arrange it if he wants to go. If you get chased for a reply then just say husband is dealing with it and seeing if you can make it. You say the SIL and your DH aren’t even close and your husband is lazy so it will just fizzle out. I suspect SIL will realise they need you to keep up the relationship and play happy families with the new BF but it doesn’t mean you need to do it.

Absolutely this

I feel like this has been posted before.

To answer you:
You dont like her...so dont go/see her.
Just have a migraine on the day and send your dh with the kids.

Close or not, he's her brother, so of course she's going to support him over you. Why are you making her the brunt of your unresolved anger with your DH for walking out and causing you and your DC so much distress? Because that's what it feels like is going on. Yes, you're back together, but you went through hell and you want someone to blame. That person is not her.

Just tell her your washing your hair that day.

Of course she took her brothers side and supported him after your break up, offering him a place to live etc would your family have had you out on the streets if you didn’t have anywhere to live? The issue is why did your husband leave you in the first place, it seems like you’re projecting your anger on his sister, who assumed you wouldn’t likely ever get back together. Why is your issue not with his parents who also didn’t contact you during the break up?

I think you just need to move on and be civil.

This, but that said, his family do all sound a bit overly involved. Knowing that much about the marriage strikes me as a bit OTT.

I agree that you sound petty, spiteful and weird about the fact that your SIL would support her brother through a marriage break up. Saying you feel 'triggered' is a disgraceful word to use. You are suggesting that you are somehow a fragile victim of your MH and you are using it to hope that other posters pile on and agree with you about what an utter bitch your SIL is.

Considering this is 'your side of the story' you've come across dreadfully badly.

Where was she, and my PIL when my young DC were crying asking what was happening and if their dad was leaving? I don't want to hang out with people I don't trust, and who conspire against me and enable devastating my DC.

Honestly? They were all trying to stay out of it and supporting their son/brother through a marriage break up like decent people do. Why on earth you would focus your spite and anger on them when it was your DH that 'devastated' your DC by instigating a break up is difficult to justify. You user name is apt, and if you continue with the 'bitter and twisted' behaviour your DH may well decide he's had enough.

Interested to hear about the "other things" she has done? Can you share?

Social media is awful. You wouldn’t know any of this if you couldn’t scroll back through a recorded history online.

I don’t think they were unreasonable to offer support to their family tbh. I would’ve done the same.

I think you should try and rise above it all. Be nice and try not to mind about them all

You are perfectly within your rights not to like her and not to spend time with her. If DH wants to see his family he can do so. If he's too lazy that's his problem.

She supported him, doesn't make her a bad person. You should give to the he family a chance to heal. I wonder if you are still angry at your DH though. You are a unit, presenting a strong front can only reinforce that. Forgive and forget, none of us are perfect. You will be much happier.

I'd 100% support my sibling.

This is the best advice. You do not need to interact with your dh's family if you do not want to, don't stop him doing so and if he can't be bothered that's his problem to sort.

Keep your distance, stop looking at your SIL's social media just leave well alone don't go to any events you don't want to you, don't make excuses just hand the reins for these events to your husband to go if he wants and to take the children if he wants but make it clear to him that you will not be attending.

Can't see what she's done wrong tbh

You sound difficult at best.

You do seem bitter, you wanted his family to tell him to go back to you, how wonderful you are, how he is making a terrible mistake etc etc….and they didn’t: for whatever reason. Maybe they don’t actually think your amazing, maybe they thought your split was for the best, maybe they did like you but just wanted to stay out of the situation and fully support their son/brother so just went along with what he wanted? They didn’t do anything wrong really.

Your husband walking out must have been devastating. It doesn’t sound like you’re over it, but the issue is with your husband, not his sister.

Op I completely get what you mean, I think pp’s are completely twisting what you’re trying to say. Of course it’s normal for her to support her brother, you never said it wasn’t. But those fb posts (to me) come across as passive aggressive as fuck. For anyone who knows what she’s referring to may take all the dramatic ‘OMG I am so there for my brother who needs SO MUCH support for this ABSOLUTELY TRAUMATIC event that he’s going though’, as some sort of indication that you’ve done something so fucking awful to him that he’s had to leave. Not that you grew apart and he chose to nob off to his mums for a bit.

I don’t blame her for supporting her brother but I wouldn’t be happy someone was posting about my personal woes on Facebook. That is weird. Some people are just a slave to social media and gratification from it- best to just rise above it.

I think I’d just go and be super happy and pleasant and just avoid the SiL as much as possible without being liable for being called out. If your relationship with your DH has moved on then maybe best everything does.