I can't move on from this situation with SIL AIBU

[BitterAndTwistAndShout]

I am pretty sure I posted about this a few years ago, but unfortunately I am here again, because I just can't move on from it.

A few years ago DH and I had a massive falling out and we separated at his request, but stayed in the same house. It went on for months. We just grew apart. We got back together again, because at the end of the day we love each other very much.

When this happened my PIL told my DH that they didn't think it was a good idea, that despite not having an amazing relationship with me, I was a great wife and we had a lovely family etc. However, they thought he was leaving, and it was over, so they didn't bother with me again, nor my DC. They didn't speak to me or them until we got back together months later.

At the beginning of this, my SIL told my DH that he should leave, and that he could go live in her house, she would be there for him, and that he could bring my DC to stay in her house. My SIL was single. Also, that she didn't understand what my problem is, as she had been nothing but lovely to me etc. which is just laughable. She cut contact with me too.

The reason why I have been triggered again is because she sent a link to her social media about something (she is a middle age woman who needs constant validation via her SM) and when I looked at it, and scrolled back a bit, I saw multiple posts about how her DB was having a really hard time, there for you bro, with pictures of them together meeting up during our separation. There is one picture where she took a selfy of them with a caption saying, "bringing my bro some info and documents he needs". Hmm, wonder what that was? My DH and her are not even close.

Now I get that family needs to support when a marriage breaks down, but no one on my side acted like this. They supported us both. Also, her offer of a soft landing made it easy for my DH to leave. Where was she, and my PIL when my young DC were crying asking what was happening and if their dad was leaving? I don't want to hang out with people I don't trust, and who conspire against me and enable devastating my DC.

So, the issue I have now is that the weather is getting better. PIL are arranging BBQ's and wants us all together. My SIL wants us to play The Waltons with her and her new BF of 3 months that she is trying to impress and keeps inviting us over for dinner or lunch. I'm running out of excuses before I get asked directly what my problem is. My DH doesn't really go anywhere without me because he's too lazy to make an effort.

I just despise her. She swans around with a self righteous attitude like she is a nice person, but she isn't. She's done things to others that confirm to me that she has no morals or integrity. I just don't want to hang out with, or have anything to do with her. I'm not that impressed with PIL either, but at least they tried to talk my DH round and I have already reconciled to myself that I won't ever lift a finger for them which they now need. We don't see them that often because I dropped the rope WRT arranging things.

AIBU to still be this bitter? I am just not a forgiving person.

Send your husband with the kids and tell the host you have other plans.

They'll stop asking you eventually, and you'll find yourself left out of family events, Xmas etc. but if that's what you prefer to turning up and gritting your teeth a couple of times a year, go for it.

I can totally see where you're coming from, when my first marriage broke down I never heard from my ex sister and brother in law again. His sister in particular acted like I was the abusive, alcoholic cheater which was nice.

I would agree with the 'she just had his back' argument if it wasn't for all the social media shite, that just doesn't sit right with me at all.

I can relate a bit.

When I had my eldest I was married to ex-DH. Up until that point we didn't see his DM much although she lived locally. Once we had our DS I made the effort to arrange things (she never did.) We went through some really difficult times when my ex-DH was mentally unwell. I reached out to her and also his aunty who was a MH nurse and pretty much got the door slammed in my face. She didn't speak to me or the kids over this period. Eventually we split up and she refuses to even look at me now. She sees the kids maybe once a year - didn't see them atall for about 2.5 years over Covid. I've never forgiven her.

If you don't want to go to a BBQ, just say "Thanks, but I don't want to" 😂

I wouldn’t go anywhere she was. I know pp have said get over it, but honestly I couldn’t. This woman used your dh at his most vulnerable to be a “saint” on social media. What a vile woman. Her brothers split is not a step up for her friend requests. If you do end up in the same place, I would smile and avoid. She is awful.

I'm

This.

Youre being so dramatic over such a non event. She supported her brother over you whilst you were separated. Pretty normal tbh.

In every thread there's that woman who decides OP's problem is jealousy. Yawn. Same old misogyny.

Thanks for the update OP. Polite civility is the way to go, and avoid where you can. For what it is worth, reading your update, I do think sometimes families can evaluate their loved ones and see that their behaviour is poor. Sorry, sounds like you had a hard time with your DP.

This happens OP. I split with my dh a few years ago. His family sided with him, mine with me. We got back together after five years, and I had noted emails where his family had conspired against me, helping him out. It’s not nice, and I wished I hadn’t seen the emails (like it would have been better if you hadn’t seen the messages between your dh and his sister), but you have to think blood is thicker than water, and loyalties are always going to be with family. Maybe your dh had confided stuff to her too, and you’ve forgiven him, so it might be time to just repair the relationship with her, and move on.

She should have stayed neutral when you split up, going on social media like that is pathetic, she was obvs trying to get at you.

Just don't go. You don't have too.

When my sister and BIL separated, I can honestly say that my sister was 90% of the problem but I still supported her and let her live at mine etc because she is my sister.

I had nothing against my BIL but I didn’t want to get in the middle of their drama and so I backed off from him.
I wasn’t sure how much contact he would want with me and so I only replied if he contacted me first.

I think you need to let it go and move on.
If you and DH are happy now then there’s no issue.

Read the opening paragraph of the post 🙂

You’re being completely unreasonable. You’re basically angry at your SIL for supporting her own brother; you’re blaming her for HIS decision to leave, suggesting she shouldn’t have given him somewhere safe to go, where he could still see his children… so he’d feel forced to stay in what was, at the time, an unhappy marriage?

It’s all very well saying your parents tried to stay neutral, to encourage you both to work it out etc… it’s much easier to do that when your child isn’t the one with nowhere to go. Would you be as gushing about your parents if you’d been the one who wanted to leave, but they’d haughtily declared “I will not make it easier for you to leave by giving you a soft landing”? My bet is you’d be fit to be tied.

“Boot-stickers” 😆 Absolute bollocks.

OP’s SIL could see that it wasn’t healthy for her brother to be separated from his wife but still living with her, so offered him somewhere to go. Good for her.

TBH I don’t really see that she did much wrong. I’d be a bit miffed if I was separating and my sister didn’t offer me a place to stay. But you sound like you absolutely hate her so I’d just make a polite excuse on the day and just send your OH and the kids.

Fair enough support a sibling but what is the need to write a caption like that alongside a photo on SM. It's just attention seeking and cringe tbh.

I wouldn't, I would support my SIL. My brother's a bit of a dick.
I would absolutely continue to be friends with and spend time with my SIL of 20 years in the event of a split, and my nieces. I think it's awful they all acted like their dil/sil and grand kids didn't exist.

Just to repeat OP

You are perfectly within your rights not to like her and not to spend time with her. If DH wants to see his family he can do so. If he's too lazy that's his problem.

My MiL is just like your SIL. The social media validation, the image she needs to present to the world that’s so different from reality, finding a way to make everything about her.
i used to let it bother me. Unfollowing social media helps massively. Go to the PIL BBQ and spend as much time as possible with other people. Don’t get drunk and say something impulsive - she will find a way to make herself the victim And paint you the bad guy