I can't move on from this situation with SIL AIBU

[BitterAndTwistAndShout]

I am pretty sure I posted about this a few years ago, but unfortunately I am here again, because I just can't move on from it.

A few years ago DH and I had a massive falling out and we separated at his request, but stayed in the same house. It went on for months. We just grew apart. We got back together again, because at the end of the day we love each other very much.

When this happened my PIL told my DH that they didn't think it was a good idea, that despite not having an amazing relationship with me, I was a great wife and we had a lovely family etc. However, they thought he was leaving, and it was over, so they didn't bother with me again, nor my DC. They didn't speak to me or them until we got back together months later.

At the beginning of this, my SIL told my DH that he should leave, and that he could go live in her house, she would be there for him, and that he could bring my DC to stay in her house. My SIL was single. Also, that she didn't understand what my problem is, as she had been nothing but lovely to me etc. which is just laughable. She cut contact with me too.

The reason why I have been triggered again is because she sent a link to her social media about something (she is a middle age woman who needs constant validation via her SM) and when I looked at it, and scrolled back a bit, I saw multiple posts about how her DB was having a really hard time, there for you bro, with pictures of them together meeting up during our separation. There is one picture where she took a selfy of them with a caption saying, "bringing my bro some info and documents he needs". Hmm, wonder what that was? My DH and her are not even close.

Now I get that family needs to support when a marriage breaks down, but no one on my side acted like this. They supported us both. Also, her offer of a soft landing made it easy for my DH to leave. Where was she, and my PIL when my young DC were crying asking what was happening and if their dad was leaving? I don't want to hang out with people I don't trust, and who conspire against me and enable devastating my DC.

So, the issue I have now is that the weather is getting better. PIL are arranging BBQ's and wants us all together. My SIL wants us to play The Waltons with her and her new BF of 3 months that she is trying to impress and keeps inviting us over for dinner or lunch. I'm running out of excuses before I get asked directly what my problem is. My DH doesn't really go anywhere without me because he's too lazy to make an effort.

I just despise her. She swans around with a self righteous attitude like she is a nice person, but she isn't. She's done things to others that confirm to me that she has no morals or integrity. I just don't want to hang out with, or have anything to do with her. I'm not that impressed with PIL either, but at least they tried to talk my DH round and I have already reconciled to myself that I won't ever lift a finger for them which they now need. We don't see them that often because I dropped the rope WRT arranging things.

AIBU to still be this bitter? I am just not a forgiving person.

the way OP wrote "they cut out my DC" i assumed - maybe wrongly - that she has DC by another man. If they cut out the DC she has with her DH that could be down to the lazy arse not facilitating contact more than anything else.

I don't get it.

Your DH's sister offered him a place to stay when you were splitting. A place where he could see your children as well.
Your PILs tried to get him to reconcile and you appreciate that, but you don't like that they ignored your children.

None of those things is absolutely terrible. She seems quite ok in fact. Her social media use is a bit hmm-hmm but not the main event.

You have three choices:
fake it for half a day and play happy families (in the long term there's a benefit to that)
OR go along and be unhappy for half a day (no benefit to anyone)
OR pretend to be ill (easier for everyone)

As someone who has done all three at various times I can recommend the last option!

Thanks for all the responses, warts and all. I didn't expect everyone to agree with me, which is actually why I posted. I feel I need to move on from this, one way or another.

To answer a few questions. My DH went through a bit of a MLC. He was openly being very disrespectful to me, to the point other peoples husbands commented on his behaviour. He was staying out every night, whilst I was home with the DC. When I pushed back on this, he said he wanted to be single. We separated and I gave him a date to either turn himself around, or leave.

Also, yes of course, you support your sibling. I just felt so hurt. It wasn't how my family reacted. I had a sibling who got divorced, we still speak to his exW and we spoke to her during the split. She seems to take glee from the split. My father, and my BIL's called up my DH to talk, and share their own marriage struggles and see if they could help him.

From the responses on this thread I can see that yes, perhaps I am still angry with my DH and resentful, and am taking it out on them. However, this thread has also made me see that it is not just about this incident, I just don't like my SIL, and I don't want to be friends with her.

So, yes I ABU. I agree. I need to move on from this. However, I now see that I don't have to hang out with someone if I don't want to, and I don't need to explain myself.

You are pissed off because your H's family supported him?
He is family and you are only family through mariage - no mariage no family.
Either suck it up and move on or dont see them, up to you

Nah I wouldn’t either OP. You don’t owe any of them anything. If your DH won’t go with out you - that’s not your problem.

From the responses on this thread I can see that yes, perhaps I am still angry with my DH and resentful, and am taking it out on them. However, this thread has also made me see that it is not just about this incident, I just don't like my SIL, and I don't want to be friends with her.

you don't have to like your SIL and you don't have to hang out with her, which is why "thanks but no thanks" is fine as an answer from you. But i think this one time you need to either tell her, or tell your DH that from now on, you will not be going to any of her shindigs, and that if she wants DH & DC attendance, she has to contact him directly. I nearly never have contact with my SIL because - I'm petty is the biggest reason, but i don't like her either, and would never in a billion years hang out with her or someone like her so - meh. I don't. She can feel free to not like me either, i simply don't GAF.

If more people learned how to decline invitations and kick their DH lazy arses into contacting their families, the world would be a better place for all of us.

Yes op is correct here. Sil should have been telling her 'bro' to sort things out and save his family unit especially as op said they both still loved each other. Is so hard to comprehend expecting extended family to be supportive and not take sides. Clearly op wanted her marriage that's why she's upset or did you not read that part.

However, this thread has also made me see that it is not just about this incident, I just don't like my SIL, and I don't want to be friends with her.

And there we have it, that's exactly right. FWIW I think you AIBU in your reaction to in-laws support when you were separated, but adults don't have to be friends with people they don't like.

If you had just posted 'I don't like my SIL but my DH expects me to arrange meet ups and generally sort out seeing his family', you would have got much more sympathetic answers about 'wifework' and you 'not being his social secretary'. Which you're not. So just hand all invitations from your SIL to your DH and leave it with him. If he does nothing about it, that's really not your problem.

Did your family not do that as you were clearly keen for him to get back with you? If you were not keen at all are you absolutely sure they’d have done the same thing? And that they’d not have taken your lead?

But the SIL isn't aware of things from OPs side, she's only got her brothers side of what's happening, and none of us know what was involved during this midlife crisis that he had, or what the state of the marriage was like from his point of view, SIL may not have even known that they still loved each other and ultimately wanted to make it work, he could have been saying anything, and believing it himself at that time.

It would be better to play devils advocate in situations like this, but there's no drama or virtue signalling to be done if you just quietly support your family while considering the bigger picture, so it does say a lot about SIL's character.

I agree with the poster that you responded to in that families loyalty will always be to their sibling/child etc, and the SIL offering her brother a place to stay is actually the right thing to do if he really thought his marriage was ending/needed a break to get his head clear.. I think the fact that he had somewhere to go and options available to him make it more meaningful that he came back to OP to work on their issues.. as a lot of people stay together just because they have nowhere else to go or options available to them.

I remember your previous posts with more backstory/examples of her behaviour towards you and at the time thinking I wouldn't want anything to do with your SIL either.

You aren't wrong for wanting to keep away from her - you feel how you feel and tbh I think in this circumstance it would be best to avoid the inevitable drama. However your choices are then to keep making excuses or to just be honest about it. Be polite and don't offer too much detail/justification. You can say you don't want to be around someone then move the conversation on. End of. Makensure they know your husnand is encouraged to see them as much as he likes he just CBA.

Although his family would of course support him during times where there is a split (and you were separated to all intents and purposes even when living together in the same house) there was simply no need for her social media display which was either to purposely cause pain or weird.

In any event your DB isn't that bothered about accepting invitations and therefore you don't have any pressure to accept them either. As you say it does rather smack of playing happy families for her new man on the scene. She doesn't get to do that when it isn't the reality.

Just do you and you don't have to go to any of these events unless you actually want to.

Like the PP I think I remember your posts from before and she was unpleasant at best on more than the occasions you mention here and at worst a total biatch!

She does sound like a bit of a dick but she wasn't wrong to support her brother. You don't have to hang out with her though but it's likely to cause problems down the line if you make it obvious.

I don’t think this is fair- she wanted his family to be fair like hers were. I know my mum would be fair - she’d say have you thought about how it would work separated and point out dhs good qualities and was I really seeing them, while supporting me of course, but they wouldn’t let me get away with saying ridiculous stuff like making up that my dh was horrible. I am not at all confident dhs parents would be- they would be much more focussed on ‘we are always here for you no matter what you decide.’ When really if dh and I split it would be much more sensible of them to say you know we love you, and then also point out all the things I bring to a relationship and ask if he really thought this was not saveable.

This.

This, I’m afraid.

She was supporting her brother. That’s normal.

This^ 100%
A few of my relatives are divorced. None of us is involved with their former partners. In one case (cousin) DC live mostly with their mum. They come for family occasions and welcome as before. Only now they come with Dad, Grandma or on their own. Zero communication with Mum.

I am just not a forgiving person.

This is an attribute that will only harm you in the long term. You dont have to pretend she is your best friend. But not ever forgiving people only makes us hold on to the past.

It’s good your thinking about this and absolutely ok not to like someone , or the way they have treated you! So just politely decline any offers to socialise with them
I hope you and dh can move past it all and he supports you
some people just love drama and don’t see the bigger picture! Just give them a wide berth

I'd just leave SIL and your DH to it. Field any invites to him and leave him to sort it out - if he even bothers to arrange anything, just don't go.

Not likeing your SIl is one thing, but resenting her because she supported your Dh when he wanted to split is really ridiculous. I have a brother who, if he split with his wife, I'd try to maintain a cordial relationship with her for the sake of the broader family, but you can bet my bottom dollar that I'd be there supporting him and offering him a place to stay becuas that marriage is a disaster.

I'd be more pissed that your PIL made no effort with their grandchildren than anything else - at least your SIL didn't cut off the chidlren too.

Jealousy.
All im reading is im jealous because his family supported him.
And you dont like her.
Any family will support their love ones it normal.

This. She doesnt sound like your kind of person. No need to go over all the other stuff.

But we don't know what he said to his parents or sister or what they really said to him. How do you know his Sister didn't do all the things you suggested but when he said it was really over, she believed him and just supported him?

while supporting me of course, but they wouldn’t let me get away with saying ridiculous stuff like making up that my dh was horrible.

I know this is beside the point but most domestic abuse happens in complete secret. Even close family members are unaware. Abusers can be charmers. If a child comes to you and says their husband/wife isn't kind to them, then fucking believe them.

I think you've worked yourself towards the right answer OP. It's normal to support your own sibling, and she was right to do so, and it's good that you've taken that on board. You and she don't much like each other as individuals though, so do the being-polite-in-company thing of making nice at a PIL BBQ but poorly/ busy for a small dinner at her house.