I can't move on from this situation with SIL AIBU

[BitterAndTwistAndShout]

I am pretty sure I posted about this a few years ago, but unfortunately I am here again, because I just can't move on from it.

A few years ago DH and I had a massive falling out and we separated at his request, but stayed in the same house. It went on for months. We just grew apart. We got back together again, because at the end of the day we love each other very much.

When this happened my PIL told my DH that they didn't think it was a good idea, that despite not having an amazing relationship with me, I was a great wife and we had a lovely family etc. However, they thought he was leaving, and it was over, so they didn't bother with me again, nor my DC. They didn't speak to me or them until we got back together months later.

At the beginning of this, my SIL told my DH that he should leave, and that he could go live in her house, she would be there for him, and that he could bring my DC to stay in her house. My SIL was single. Also, that she didn't understand what my problem is, as she had been nothing but lovely to me etc. which is just laughable. She cut contact with me too.

The reason why I have been triggered again is because she sent a link to her social media about something (she is a middle age woman who needs constant validation via her SM) and when I looked at it, and scrolled back a bit, I saw multiple posts about how her DB was having a really hard time, there for you bro, with pictures of them together meeting up during our separation. There is one picture where she took a selfy of them with a caption saying, "bringing my bro some info and documents he needs". Hmm, wonder what that was? My DH and her are not even close.

Now I get that family needs to support when a marriage breaks down, but no one on my side acted like this. They supported us both. Also, her offer of a soft landing made it easy for my DH to leave. Where was she, and my PIL when my young DC were crying asking what was happening and if their dad was leaving? I don't want to hang out with people I don't trust, and who conspire against me and enable devastating my DC.

So, the issue I have now is that the weather is getting better. PIL are arranging BBQ's and wants us all together. My SIL wants us to play The Waltons with her and her new BF of 3 months that she is trying to impress and keeps inviting us over for dinner or lunch. I'm running out of excuses before I get asked directly what my problem is. My DH doesn't really go anywhere without me because he's too lazy to make an effort.

I just despise her. She swans around with a self righteous attitude like she is a nice person, but she isn't. She's done things to others that confirm to me that she has no morals or integrity. I just don't want to hang out with, or have anything to do with her. I'm not that impressed with PIL either, but at least they tried to talk my DH round and I have already reconciled to myself that I won't ever lift a finger for them which they now need. We don't see them that often because I dropped the rope WRT arranging things.

AIBU to still be this bitter? I am just not a forgiving person.

When the chips are down, most people close ranks around their family member. I was left after STBX had an affair last year and my in-laws, with whom I had had a really close relationship for nearly a decade, dropped me like a stone overnight AND made it clear to members of their extended family with whom I was also close, that if they continued contact with me, they were "not part of the family". And this was after I was the one who was cheated on and left, not the other way round.

It is very hard but that's just how most people are. No point making a huge drama about it, especially since you're now "back in the fold".

So… you guys split up and she supported her brother? And you’re annoyed about that? If my sibling split up with their partner, I would also tell them they could stay in my home and have their kids stay in my home during their contact time etc. Why do think she was wrong to do that?

With regards to cutting contact with you, well that just happens during splits. It’s very hard for family on the other side to stay supportive to both of you. But not seeing the kids? That’s really on your husband. It was his responsibility to take the kids round to visit his parents and his sister during your split. If he didn’t bother then he is a pretty shitty dad.

You are angry with the wrong person. Your SIL supported her brother. He is the one who didn’t bother taking the kids round to visit and they couldn’t really come to yours to visit and play happy families with you there when you were in the process of splitting up.

Well we don’t actually know the reason for the split do we 😬😬

Ooo get ready for the onslaught of people telling you how awful YOU are 😁i can feel it in my waters.
I think the older you get, the less you feel the need to surround yourself with people who wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire and vice versa. I've stepped back from my in laws recently and let me tell you, it feels glorious. However, due to shit they've landed on my doorstep over the course of the years, i have no problem with being truthful. I'm learning that people really do not like to hear the truth but you know what, I do not care anymore.
So If I were you, just be honest. You are not going to the bbq because you don't want to.
Everyone has met someone like your SIL too, someone who loves the drama and especially loves posting about it on social media. You are still going to get a lot of posters replying YOU to be kinder and suck it up though sadly.

What's her age got to do with it?

Honestly, I'd find it hard to get past this too. Unless there's a chat to clear the air, this will continue simmering in the background.
If you don't like her, don't go. Why do you need an excuse? Just tell them you're not comfortable around them and won't be meeting up.

Are you sure you’re happy being back with him? This level of resentment towards his family suggests you’re not in a good place and it’s disproportionate to feel this angry a few years down the line.

You don’t know what he was telling her or his parents and it’s normal they sided with him. Try to let it go. You don’t have to go to events with them. If he wants the kids to see them he can arrange it without you involved.

Following on from my post, I do think you're being unreasonable regarding the PIL though. They tried to encourage reconciliation but they still had to support their son. I don't think they need forgiveness as they did the right thing.
You'd be better off making amends with them.

These replies!! JFC.

OP ignore the AIBU boot-stickers.

Yes of course people support their family. As you actually say in your OP wrt your PIL.

She showed as clear as day that she didn’t like you and wanted you to split.

Fine. Her choice. She can reap that now, as she was happy to sow it. She doesn’t have to like you, she made that plain, you don’t have to like her.

’No thanks, I’m not interested in a BBQ. Feel free to ask Your Bro if he wants to go, though.’

I’m not sure what you’re problem is really
it sounds like they have done nothing wrong
just dealt with supporting him as they saw fit
but different to your expectations. It doesn’t sound like they did anything horrible
and they are including you and making an effort now so I think you should try and put it behind you because what good would it do otherwise?

You split up and she supported her sibling. Grow up.

there is absolutely no reason you should not have a positive relationship with your husband’s family at this point. They accepted that your marriage recovered. You need to accept that they supported him during the split.

What’s with such a spiteful vindictive attitude op. She supported her brother, it’s fine, what do you expect, her to talk him into staying with you? And to decide not to do anything for your in-laws out of spite and they did try is horrible.

its not their fault you seperated. Thats on the pair of you.

She showed as clear as day that she didn’t like you and wanted you to split

no she didn’t, give over.

Sil and I had no time for each other.. I would not have faked a happy holiday bbq to appease dh and ils either. Take the bbq as free time for you op. Send dh and the dc. Chill and be proud of yourself. Life is too short to spend it with cunts.

I think pp's don't get it.
My db broke up with his dw, she left him for another man.
Whilst I was there for him I never, ever passed comment on his dw's behaviour.
When they got back together I could not be cast as a bad guy.
My dsis was v. nasty about dsil which obviously caused problems afterwards.

Support your family by all means but never take sides because you don't know what caused the split. And if they get back together they'll both resent you.

I get the impression that there is a lot of misplaced anger being directed at your SIL and PIL here. Have you and DH actually moved past the separation properly or are you still hanging onto a lot of bitterness and resentment about that?

You mention the kids being upset by the seperation and that your DH can't be arsed doing anything without you. So don't particularly paint him in a particularly positive light considering all is meant to be fine and dandy again.

I get the impression your SIL and PIL see your relationship for what it truly is and weren't willing to play emperor's new clothes with you when you got back together.

I like my ex BIL. I offered my Dsis a home when they broke up. Because she is my Dsis and I wanted to make sure she was safe and OK during the break up. Yes it was a soft landing for her, she couldn't have moved out otherwise. That doesn't mean I didn't like my ex BIL, it just means I prioritised my Dsis as ultimately she's the one I am related to.
I don't initiate contact with ex BIL but I am perfectly friendly on the odd occasion we do meet. He's not my sibling, he's the father of my nephew. I don't have particular reasons to be in touch. If they ever got back together though, then of course I'd include him in our family bbqs and other family events going forward.
I think you are being unreasonable here. She shouldn't have played it out on SM but at the time she was there for her bro and that was perfectly understandable.

YANBU, she made her bed, now she can lie in it.

She had no trouble inviting her brother to stay with her when you were separated, so she should have no trouble inviting him now you are together again.

It's not your job to be their social secretary.

Why are you ignoring that they also cut out OP's dc?

There is no reason why these people can't organise get togethers with their own and brother. It's not OP's job to facilitate meet ups because her DH is lazy or doesn't want to.

When you split up the families probably thought ‘let’s not interfere, they’ll sort it out, and you did.’

Admittedly she sounds a bit of a twat, but you just have to grin and bear the summer BBQs. Most families have one dickhead they need to accommodate and yours is her.

Because the SIL didn't say this. The OP specifically said the SIL said "he could bring my DC to stay in her house".
So that's not cutting out the DC. That's enabling him to have contact at her house

I'm running out of excuses before I get asked directly what my problem is. My DH doesn't really go anywhere without me because he's too lazy to make an effort.

Just. Say. No. Decline all invitations with a polite "thank you, i won't be there". Every time. Your DH can do what he likes but if he's too lazy to make an effort that's a them-problem not a you-problem.

and if she asks? You can decide to feed the drama-lama-flames by telling her that you don't like her and what she did. Or you can just be vague but stick to your "no"

(she is a middle age woman who needs constant validation via her SM)

that was an unnecessary ageist dig. Stop it.

Do they ever ask dh why he is a lazy fuck? Do you ask him? Likely because he would have to actually parent his own dc whilst out and about....
Remind me why you took him back?

Whilst I think it’s fine she supported her sibling, I think ignoring the DC was wrong.

Honestly I would set new boundaries- they don’t consider you as their family which is fine so you don’t have to pander to them and you don’t have to accept invites anyway.