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Original poster

Do you “let” your kids speak to you like shit

141 replies

Scootsville · 08/05/2024 11:30

DS has ADHD and probably ASD. Yes I’ve looked up PDA parenting strategies etc.

He is 8, so wondering how much of this is down to age and how much to being ND.

He is the eldest and currently finding his brother SO ANNOYING so it really feels like living with a hormonal teen. The way he speaks to us his parents. He doesn’t swear or call us names (yet) but the tone, the lack of manners, telling us how annoying we are. To his friends’ parents and people in shops/cafes etc he is very polite.

He is pulled up every single time he speaks to us rudely or is unkind to his brother, he has screen bans left right and centre. I try and praise every little thing he does that isn’t a battle and offer to read or play a board game with him, but our relationship at the moment is rubbish with him being told off and given consequences 1000 a day. And I seriously worry about him developing a conduct disorder because of it, I know ND children are typically corrected much more than their peers as it is.

But I don’t think the answer is to let him speak to us like shit?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 09/05/2024 19:57

OK it did still make sense - as not that many posts in between.

Original poster
Scootsville · 14/05/2024 19:13

Well after slightly calmer seas the last few days DS stepped it up a gear tonight and said he wishes DH and I were dead, he’s going to kill DS2, he’s going to punch me…

OP posts:
Original poster
Scootsville · 14/05/2024 19:14

Well after slightly calmer seas the last few days DS stepped it up a gear tonight and said he wishes DH and I were dead, he’s going to kill DS2, he’s going to punch me…

OP posts:
AGlinnerOfHope · 14/05/2024 19:42

Oh dear. Unless he’s actually acquiring weapons, then what he’s doing is communicating distress- rage, frustration etc.

You need to answer the message not the words, if you see what I mean.

So I’d say something like
oh dear, your obviously having a really bad day, you must be really cross and frustrated to say such an awful thing. Do you want to tell me about it? Can I help you feel better? What do you need to help you relax and calm down because that’s a yucky way to feel!

I know your instinct is to match or even exceed his energy, by being louder and angrier to make him back down, or be openly tearful and distressed at how horrid he’s being.
That doesn’t make him feel safe though, and won’t change his behaviour.

Are you getting support anywhere? I know it’s tough.

Maryamlouise · 14/05/2024 19:50

ASD 8 year old here who is also very annoyed by younger sibling some of the time. I ignore a lot of the lack of politeness or gently correct and model like did I hear you say please can I have X. DH pulls him up more and they can end up in a bit of a battle which is not helpful for anyone. I am also aware of the constant criticism and try to make sure we aren't doing that so there is a good relationship and that is more important to me than if DS is blunt or not particularly polite

Original poster
Scootsville · 14/05/2024 19:58

AGlinnerOfHope · 14/05/2024 19:42

Oh dear. Unless he’s actually acquiring weapons, then what he’s doing is communicating distress- rage, frustration etc.

You need to answer the message not the words, if you see what I mean.

So I’d say something like
oh dear, your obviously having a really bad day, you must be really cross and frustrated to say such an awful thing. Do you want to tell me about it? Can I help you feel better? What do you need to help you relax and calm down because that’s a yucky way to feel!

I know your instinct is to match or even exceed his energy, by being louder and angrier to make him back down, or be openly tearful and distressed at how horrid he’s being.
That doesn’t make him feel safe though, and won’t change his behaviour.

Are you getting support anywhere? I know it’s tough.

He’s definitely not getting actual weapons and isn’t aggressive really, but this is new and it does terrify me that in a few years he is going to be 6” and able to over power me physically.

He was awful all morning and woke up in a horrible mood and said he was tired, so that’s the reason I feel. But when he’s like that, nothing works, and I wish he would go shut himself in his room even but he goes looking for arguments, for the dopamine hit or purely because he’s so dysregulated. Sounds like he was getting very irritated by everything in school from what he said. Just in a horrible prickly mood all round.

OP posts:
Maryamlouise · 14/05/2024 20:00

I also do my best to ignore the threats like you describe and do what PP said about trying to connect. We were signposted to various groups and parent support after getting the diagnosis - have you got anything like that?

tarheelbaby · 14/05/2024 20:14

Do stand your ground: continue to correct and model. Don't give up. Always mention an alternative way to phrase or kinder tone of voice. It's exhausting but not pushing back, however gently, indicates acceptance.

AGlinnerOfHope · 14/05/2024 20:16

The thing to do is to talk to him when he’s ok, point out it would be scary if he were still doing this when he’s bigger, and ask how you can work together to manage it better.

He might like to-
burn off his frustration bouncing on a trampoline
have loud music through headphones
tear up cardboard boxes
go for a run/walk if there’s anyone to go with him
use a punch bag (though not if he already gets physical)
have a pillow fight.
swing/hang
blow up and then pop balloons- if he does it himself, puts a sweet or a treat in before knotting it, then has to burst it by sitting/squeezing etc- no sharp things allowed.

It can be hard to find the time for these kinds of activities, but they help with regulation and are a key priority.

purpleme12 · 14/05/2024 20:27

It's hard isn't it

My child said she was going to kill me the other day.
I'm confident she wasn't going to but I can't seem to stop these bad things coming out of her sometimes.

Following in case there's anything useful

Original poster
Scootsville · 14/05/2024 20:28

Sorry to hear those with similar struggles.

@AGlinnerOfHope i did exactly that, point out how in a few years he’ll be big and scary for me.

I did lose my cool though over and over again. DH says I get like DS’ big sister sometimes and I do understand what he means, he triggers me so much.

OP posts:
Redlettuce · 14/05/2024 20:30

My son has asd and autism and is nearly 19. He has turned into a lovely boy with me, though can still be rude and abrupt. He was very hard work when he was younger.

The thing that worked for me is working on our relationship. It's really easy to be trapped into a negative spiral. Do fun stuff together and have a laugh doing things you enjoy.

On the bad stuff you don't always have to do consequences - I hate those parenting books - so unrealistic if you have a kid who is naughty 50 times a day - talk about a negative cycle. Just tell them off and move on - consequences if they swear at you or are violent. And lead by example. Speak kindly, no swearing etc with adults in the house.

Cityandmakeup · 14/05/2024 20:31

If he is fine in public then he DOES know what right.

Eggmoobean · 14/05/2024 20:31

Do not let it go. It is easier to correct and guide now than when they are 15. I work with teens and when they have been allowed to do this their whole lives they think they can do it to everyone. This impacts on school, college, friendships -
everything.

Original poster
Scootsville · 14/05/2024 20:58

Cityandmakeup · 14/05/2024 20:31

If he is fine in public then he DOES know what right.

I wouldn’t say fine in public, more that he wouldn’t be so rude to strangers.

OP posts:
drspouse · 14/05/2024 22:52

My DS hardly speaks to strangers which gives him limited opportunity to be rude to them!

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