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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To consider leaving DP?

93 replies

RottenTomatoes959 · 08/05/2024 11:00

Myself and my DP have been together for 7 years.

He's been an excellent partner so far, both still living in our respective family homes as saving for a mortgage and house prices where we live have gone completely off the rails. I also have a DS from a previous relationship.

Onto the main bit, which tbf is something I've known for a couple years but its becoming a problem for me as I'm turning 30 this year.
He doesn't believe in marriage and also doesn't want a child of his own, I used to think i could sacrifice those things as I loved him so much but as I'm getting older and I'm watching people I know get engaged and have babies it's affecting me emotionally a lot more than I thought it would.

He has said a couple times when I've brought it up that maybe after we buy the house and are living together he'd change his mind, but I don't think I want to make such a big commitment for a maybe?

When I've spoken to friends they do say that if I love him enough it shouldn't be a big deal to not get married, but now I'm thinking if he loves me enough why can't he be the one to compromise.

I think if it was either the marriage or the child I could sacrifice one for the other, but the fact its both is playing on my mind, but at the same time I'm terrified of starting over at 30.

OP posts:
drusth · 08/05/2024 11:01

Don't waste your fertility on this man.

Give him an ultimatum that you marry within the year or you're off.

And definitely don't buy a house with him.

KarmenPQZ · 08/05/2024 11:02

Tricky one and I’m sure someone will come along with better advise than I can give. However I wouldn’t buy a house with someone you’ve never lived with. Seems very high risk and I would recommend renting somewhere first to check you’re comparable.

FlameTulip · 08/05/2024 11:03

These would be deal breakers for me OP. It's ok to say that they are for you too. And definitely don't count on him changing his mind!

Weenurse · 08/05/2024 11:06

Slowly, this may morph into resentment as your fertile years pass.
Think carefully

Cathbrownlow · 08/05/2024 11:06

It is not going to work if you both want different things. I agree with PP, cut your losses now. Sorry but he does not want you enough.

DaisyChain505 · 08/05/2024 11:07

You shouldn’t be looking at buying a house with a man you haven’t even lived with yet. Especially as you have a child. You don’t know if this man will cope well living with a child especially as he doesn’t even want his own.

Qwertyyui · 08/05/2024 11:08

Your needs are important. If you want a family and marriage then you will end up resenting him. Theses things are not guaranteed at all even without him but you will be more likely to find them without him. If it was your best friend in your position what advice would you give her? Follow that advice for yourself!

NosyJosie · 08/05/2024 11:08

Everything about your post screams “settling”. He is entitled to feel the way he feels and it’s clear you want different things and the “maybe he’ll change his mind” is just bread crumbing and gaslighting. You’ve been together seven years so you were a youngish mum and I can promise you someone was looking at you then and feeling the way you are now seeing people get married etc. Try not to measure your worth against others.

I’d be cautious combining finances and future with a man that seems to not want a family life.

Brefugee · 08/05/2024 11:10

buy a house together only when you are really sure. You are not really sure.
Worse, you want a baby. (I have thoughts about that that aren't relevant here)

Only you can decide if he is worth giving up what you want (marriage and baby)
But i always say: if you are not convinced then don't do it

Applesandpears23 · 08/05/2024 11:12

I walked away from a long term relationship at 29 for similar reasons. It felt huge and scary. Once I did a lot of people told me their stories of starting again at 30 which helped. I now have a lovely life with a fab partner and 3 children. Go for it, you only live once.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/05/2024 11:14

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum around children as I don't think it's right for someone to have a child to keep a relationship, rather than wanting the child for the child's own sake if that makes sense.

I think you need to work out your own motivations here. You say you could probably settle for marriage or a baby. Why? If the two things are really important to you I don't know why you would say either / or, especially when you don't particularly need marriage if you're not planning to have a baby

Why are you so sure you want marriage and babies with someone that you haven't even lived with, or bought a house with? I don't think you can ever truly know someone and know how compatible you are without sharing a house.

How old is your current child and how do they fit into all of this? You've said you want this but implied it's because it's what your friends are doing- is a parent getting married and a sibling with the age gap that you have, the best thing for your child? Do they want to live with him?

If you are doing this for all the right reasons then yes it's perfectly valid to leave someone because they don't have the same life goals as you.

TheCultureHusks · 08/05/2024 11:15

Wow, no.

Honestly it mostly sounds as if he wants the leg up of buying a house with someone!

Both marriage and children are far too big to compromise on.

also - one without the other? Um, no. Don’t have a baby without marriage unless you’re the one with the assets. Babies impact on women’s careers and earning power much more than men’s. Never have a baby without the security of marriage.

Itsonlymashadow · 08/05/2024 11:15

I think it’s perfectly ok to be deal breakers.

However, I think it’s perfectly ok for him to not want those things. I don’t and I can honestly say I would rather dp left than tried to give me ultimatums.

If he tried to end it on hope I backed down I would finish it myself.

I am secure enough to walk away. The worst thing to happen would be that the person agrees to marry and/or have a child when they don’t want it. That’s the making of a miserable life/

CommentNow · 08/05/2024 11:16

At 30 you don't need to compromise.

You can love someone and it still not be the right relationship.

This has complex written all over it:

  • he is stringing you along for a maybe.
  • not moving forward is your strongest negotiating position. Close to impossible once you've moved in and are more enmeshed and your kid has binded with him.
  • your friends are naive. Search mumsnet for threads like "won't marry me" "didn't get married.
  • if you buy a house and have a baby, how long before he complains about working all day to putt a roof over you and your childs head?

Basically you are in your strongest negotiating position and he isn't keen. Yu can drag a horse to water, you can't make it drink. You also can't make it enthusiastic to build a life with you. He is his own priority.

ByUmberViewer · 08/05/2024 11:16

If you want marriage hold out for marriage.

Never understood the mumsnet obsession of living with men their not married to.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2024 11:16

End it now, op. It's already over. You've wasted enough time on someone who doesn't even share your most basic wants.

Amsterdamming · 08/05/2024 11:19

Aquamarine1029 · 08/05/2024 11:16

End it now, op. It's already over. You've wasted enough time on someone who doesn't even share your most basic wants.

This! Not living together after 7 years and you were just babies when you met really. Move on, it doesn't sound as though he is at all invested in you and you can do better.

ByUmberViewer · 08/05/2024 11:20

It sounds like he just wants to get onto the housing ladder and can't do it on his income alone. Am I right in guessing he doesn't earn enough to purchase a property on his own?

CommentNow · 08/05/2024 11:20

I'd also hazard a guess that your friends are young enough to see marriage as an idealistic expression of love that modern cool women don't need rather than the legal contract that it is which places any assets gained after it as part of the family estate for division in a divorce. Things like his increasing pension if you give up work or reduce your hours can be used to offset the amount you would need to pay to buy him out of a home if you split up.

CommentNow · 08/05/2024 11:27

Amsterdamming · 08/05/2024 11:19

This! Not living together after 7 years and you were just babies when you met really. Move on, it doesn't sound as though he is at all invested in you and you can do better.

Show quote history

Ah the 7 year itch. Agree its time to split and start over in the new chapter with someone with the same goals.

Picture your life in 5 years. Could have a new man, marriage, house and baby or still with him, possibly with a child and house, still arguing over marriage while he treats you like a second class citizen for not bringing home the same money as him and being a buzzkill for expecting him to step up and be a dad to kids he didn't go into wholeheartedly, debating leaving but wondering about finances and what's best for the kids.

Anameisaname · 08/05/2024 11:35

What is your real desire here? You.have a DS but you want more kids? If it's kids then marriage is just practical but it cam be a quick registry office thing. Or do you want the big wedding experience and that's the real thing?
He may be put off by the big wedding rigmarole, I certainly know people who dislike the fuss and bother abojt wedding and have gone for registry office low key to just tie up the paperwork as it were.
If he doesn't want a child that's a bigger difference if you do want another. So that's IMHO the thing to focus on. What is driving that desire and if it's really all you want in life then leave him. Don't give him an ultimatum and don't gamble on his changing his mind

ownedbymydog · 08/05/2024 11:36

The sense I get is that if you’ve been together for 7 years, with living together always in the land of tomorrow, then one of you is quite happy with the way things are. I’m just not sure which one…

I’d take whatever I’ve saved up so far, and go buy somewhere alone. See what happens then.

theeyeofdoe · 08/05/2024 11:38

DaisyChain505 · 08/05/2024 11:07

You shouldn’t be looking at buying a house with a man you haven’t even lived with yet. Especially as you have a child. You don’t know if this man will cope well living with a child especially as he doesn’t even want his own.

I think this is a much bigger worry.

Lyra87 · 08/05/2024 11:50

I wouldn't stay for a maybe OP. I honestly think if he wanted to marry you and have children with you he would know after 7 years, the maybe is just to stop you leaving. You deserve the chance to meet someone who definitely wants those things with you.

Original poster
RottenTomatoes959 · 08/05/2024 12:00

Thanks for the replies everyone, I'm gonna try and answer all the questions here.
Renting together first isn't an option as we are currently going through the worst renting/housing crisis our country has ever seen, in our area alone the crappiest 2 bed is the guts of 2 and a half to 3 grand a month.

I can't really get into the nitty gritty or practical reasons of why I want marriage/kids but I desperately do, even for no other reasons than purely emotional and I've cried several times privately seeing friends getting engaged.

I outearn him, not by loads but a significant amount, neither of us could afford a mortgage where we currently live on our own but I could if I moved a couple of hours away which is something I've been considering anyway.

I've never wanted a big wedding, I've always said I'd be happy with a registry office as I'd rather a big honeymoon anyway.

My DS and him do have a good bond as he's know him since he was about 3, but definitely not a kid/stepparent relationship at all and I don't think my DS would be completely affected by a split, not enormously.

OP posts:
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