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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider leaving DP?

93 replies

RottenTomatoes959 · 08/05/2024 11:00

Myself and my DP have been together for 7 years.

He's been an excellent partner so far, both still living in our respective family homes as saving for a mortgage and house prices where we live have gone completely off the rails. I also have a DS from a previous relationship.

Onto the main bit, which tbf is something I've known for a couple years but its becoming a problem for me as I'm turning 30 this year.
He doesn't believe in marriage and also doesn't want a child of his own, I used to think i could sacrifice those things as I loved him so much but as I'm getting older and I'm watching people I know get engaged and have babies it's affecting me emotionally a lot more than I thought it would.

He has said a couple times when I've brought it up that maybe after we buy the house and are living together he'd change his mind, but I don't think I want to make such a big commitment for a maybe?

When I've spoken to friends they do say that if I love him enough it shouldn't be a big deal to not get married, but now I'm thinking if he loves me enough why can't he be the one to compromise.

I think if it was either the marriage or the child I could sacrifice one for the other, but the fact its both is playing on my mind, but at the same time I'm terrified of starting over at 30.

OP posts:
NosyJosie · 08/05/2024 12:05

You’re literally with eachother for convenience and the fact that your kid wouldn’t be too fussed without him vs. your yearning for a family says to me he’s not fully integrated after all these years. Maybe he you or both of you have subconsciously kept a distance here.

champagneandchocolate · 08/05/2024 12:25

Marriage thing I could live with - but no kids? That's a shame. I had my 3rd (and last) baby at 28 with my second husband.

Neither of us wanted any more children when we met, but it was right for us. So glad we did!

If you REALLY want another child then first thing, speak to your DP again about it.

If he doesn't want one, then I think you need to think about leaving him. OR,

If you don't want to leave your DP, maybe suggest, and I know this is very "out there", if he doesn't want to be a father, would you think of visiting a sperm bank?

Maybe you could have another baby, and he continue to just be "step-dad".

I can't think of a world in which the second idea would work.. but just a thought!! Very out there I know!

canyouletthedogoutplease · 08/05/2024 12:33

Simple. Do not buy a house with or even remain in a relationship with someone who doesn't want kids, if you have a child.

You sound fairly disinterested in him, and he you, so there's not much here to save other than the bother of trying to find someone who will add to your child's life in a positive way other than being a convenient co sign on a mortgage. Paddle your own canoe, go towards something more positive for both you and your DS.

Babadook76 · 08/05/2024 12:34

So he 100% doesn’t want marriage and kids now, but if you make an even bigger commitment to him than you already have, and make it a 1000x harder for you to leave him, then he MAY change his mind. What a load of bollocks. He won’t change his mind and he never will. I actually think he’s a complete prick for emotionally blackmailing you into doing what he wants on false promises

grinandslothit · 08/05/2024 12:44

It sounds like he's more interested in getting on the property ladder than in a relationship with you or having a child.

HussellRobbs · 08/05/2024 12:52

grinandslothit · 08/05/2024 12:44

It sounds like he's more interested in getting on the property ladder than in a relationship with you or having a child.

Yes, and it’s really hard to get someone to leave a property or to agree selling it.

So don’t get into this house buying malarkey out of a sense of thinking ‘we can just sell’.

Buy a property for yourself elsewhere, away from him.

PrincessTeaSet · 08/05/2024 13:12

You both still live with your parents at 30, despite having been together for 7 years? I don't think this is going to work out. If it was, you'd have moved in together about 4 years ago. Clearly, neither is that keen. I know having a child already complicated things, and it's a perfectly good reason to not move in at all, but still, if you were that keen you would have found a way to make it work.

SunSparkle · 08/05/2024 13:18

split up. you want different things. and while I'm sure you are more than enough for your child, for them not to have a good stepparent/child bond will wear thin the longer it goes on. You come with a child already - you want a partner who wants to take part in that parenting.

I'd cut your losses and seek a new relationship with someone who wants the same things as you.

romany4 · 08/05/2024 13:41

My brother was in a relationship for 12 years to someone who wasn't sure...she kept saying " maybe next year" to marriage and kids "eventually" .
He left at 40. Met and married someone else within 2 years and now has a beautiful daughter. He couldn't be happier.

mickandrorty · 08/05/2024 14:05

Reading it as an outsider the fact he is saying 'oh maybe once we buy as house i might change my mind' is a bit of a red flag, like he is trying to almost emotionally blackmail you. I would not buy a house with him, why should you sacrifice either? I started over at 28, best thing i ever did.

GingerPirate · 08/05/2024 14:09

drusth · 08/05/2024 11:01

Don't waste your fertility on this man.

Give him an ultimatum that you marry within the year or you're off.

And definitely don't buy a house with him.

Ultimatum?
I would run, if I was him. 😁

DancesWithBadgers · 08/05/2024 14:21

It’s a really bad idea to buy a house with someone when they’ve not even lived with you and your existing child. You have no idea what sort of person he’ll be in that step-parent sort of role - it seems odd to me he won’t consider marriage or a baby but is happy to live with you and your son as a family - or is he? Have you discussed what sort of role he will play in your child’s life once you all live together? How does he see his role?

Dont like him dangling the idea he may want more commitment once you’ve committed your financial resources to getting on the property ladder with him. Doesn’t seem like he’s into the ‘family’ sort of thing - so why is he happy to move in with a child in the mix? Does he think he’ll just live his separate life? How might that work with housework and cooking and time out socialising and your parental commitments in addition to work?

drusth · 08/05/2024 14:38

GingerPirate · 08/05/2024 14:09

Ultimatum?
I would run, if I was him. 😁

Show quote history

If he can’t commit to marriage after 7 years then it’s best he run off. Good riddance.

GingerPirate · 08/05/2024 14:42

drusth · 08/05/2024 14:38

If he can’t commit to marriage after 7 years then it’s best he run off. Good riddance.

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Gah. "Commit to marriage".

drusth · 08/05/2024 14:44

GingerPirate · 08/05/2024 14:42

Gah. "Commit to marriage".

Show quote history

So what’s your advice? That she ignore her own desire for marriage and children and just do what this guy wants?

Original poster
RottenTomatoes959 · 08/05/2024 14:44

DancesWithBadgers · 08/05/2024 14:21

It’s a really bad idea to buy a house with someone when they’ve not even lived with you and your existing child. You have no idea what sort of person he’ll be in that step-parent sort of role - it seems odd to me he won’t consider marriage or a baby but is happy to live with you and your son as a family - or is he? Have you discussed what sort of role he will play in your child’s life once you all live together? How does he see his role?

Dont like him dangling the idea he may want more commitment once you’ve committed your financial resources to getting on the property ladder with him. Doesn’t seem like he’s into the ‘family’ sort of thing - so why is he happy to move in with a child in the mix? Does he think he’ll just live his separate life? How might that work with housework and cooking and time out socialising and your parental commitments in addition to work?

I don't think he thinks he'll play much of a parental role with my DS, a comment he made a little while ago that did make me start questioning things more was when we were discussing a friend of his who has a stepdaughter and calls her as much, I asked if he would refer to my ds as that and he says he sees him as his gfs kid, it left a bit of bad taste in my mouth but I struggled to verbalise why, I'm not great at putting my thoughts into words.

But i do think he sees myself and DS as separate and I don't really understand how that will translate when/if we do buy together, which I'm now seeing shouldn't really happen.

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 08/05/2024 14:48

drusth · 08/05/2024 14:44

So what’s your advice? That she ignore her own desire for marriage and children and just do what this guy wants?

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No, not at all. Her desire for marriage and kids will have to be fulfilled elsewhere.
I wouldn't respond well to an ultimatum, though, as an adult.
Nobody should.

Olika · 08/05/2024 14:55

Personally I don't think there's point in staying with him if you want marriage and kids and he doesn't. And anyway living together wouldn't work as he doesn't want to be part of your son's life. Treating him as 'my gf's kid' who lives in the same house with him is ending in disaster.

TizerorFizz · 08/05/2024 14:59

@RottenTomatoes959 Separate out what he said: girl and friend. Both are probably accurate but they don’t express depth of feeling for you or your DS. 30 isn’t old and I would start again. He’s clearly not very bothered and is mooching along with no commitment to you. After 7 years he’s not interested so he has to be out of your life now.

PomPomtheGreat · 08/05/2024 15:00

I think you should want an awful lot better for your son than this man is offering.

Nottherealslimshady · 08/05/2024 15:00

I wouldn't sacrifice my desire for a child for a partner unless the split would affect my current children significantly.

Knittedfairies2 · 08/05/2024 15:01

If marriage is a deal breaker for you, then it's a deal breaker. Don't buy a house with him; you may regret it down the line.
You say you're 'terrified at starting over at 30'. I'm a lot older so I can say with absolute certainty that you have many years ahead of you. Have the conversation with him, and be prepared to walk away.

drusth · 08/05/2024 15:03

drusth · 08/05/2024 14:44

So what’s your advice? That she ignore her own desire for marriage and children and just do what this guy wants?

Show quote history

.

BettyBardMacDonald · 08/05/2024 15:03

drusth · 08/05/2024 11:01

Don't waste your fertility on this man.

Give him an ultimatum that you marry within the year or you're off.

And definitely don't buy a house with him.

No.

Don't have a child by a resentful and reluctant sperm donor. It's terribly unfair to the human being who will have to live all its life with the fallout of that shitty situation.

Break up and find someone who enthusiastically wants kids. You have plenty of time.

Revelatio · 08/05/2024 15:04

i don’t think it means he doesn’t love you. You can love someone and not want a child. Don’t issue ultimatums, he’s been clear on what he wants. Don’t try and force him to be a father when he’s not keen, it’s not fair on the child. If marriage and more children are important, then find someone who shares your views.