To consider leaving DP?

[RottenTomatoes959]

Myself and my DP have been together for 7 years.

He's been an excellent partner so far, both still living in our respective family homes as saving for a mortgage and house prices where we live have gone completely off the rails. I also have a DS from a previous relationship.

Onto the main bit, which tbf is something I've known for a couple years but its becoming a problem for me as I'm turning 30 this year.
He doesn't believe in marriage and also doesn't want a child of his own, I used to think i could sacrifice those things as I loved him so much but as I'm getting older and I'm watching people I know get engaged and have babies it's affecting me emotionally a lot more than I thought it would.

He has said a couple times when I've brought it up that maybe after we buy the house and are living together he'd change his mind, but I don't think I want to make such a big commitment for a maybe?

When I've spoken to friends they do say that if I love him enough it shouldn't be a big deal to not get married, but now I'm thinking if he loves me enough why can't he be the one to compromise.

I think if it was either the marriage or the child I could sacrifice one for the other, but the fact its both is playing on my mind, but at the same time I'm terrified of starting over at 30.

So you’re in favour of OP saying she won’t buy a house with him if he doesn’t want to get married?

Yeah that's not a good sign. It doesn't sound like he sees you as a unit and definitely not as a family. I can't imagine he'll handle your DSs teenage attitude very well.

Thread has moved on, OP has realised its not the best idea to marry this man.

So he’s never ever planning on being a family with you. I can never get my head around why mums would even consider taking their children into a setup like that. You need to end it. He thinks you’re nice to hang around with and convenient to buy a house he can’t afford on his own but he actually doesn’t plan to put himself out for you or to engage genuinely with your life and your child. You’d always be a mum who also had a relationship, and your child would be living with a dad figure who didn’t dad, that must be harmful to their emotional development. Nope. You need to start afresh now.

Yes, of course.
I'm 45 and married for 20 years,
child free and when the time comes, I wouldn't
"buy a house" again with anyone. Not relevant.
In the OP's case, it would be a total waster and she'd be better off buying on her own and/or going for a kid alone.
Easier said than done.
Bloody grammar.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to separate from someone because you want
marriage and kids and they don’t. I wouldn’t waste time buying a house with someone and then hoping they changed their mind. Plenty of time to meet someone who wants the same things as you do.

So you and I agree on the approach, you just don’t want to call it an ultimatum.

There’s nothing wrong with ultimatums, as long as you mean them.

I agree that OP shouldn’t buy a house with this man, OP has realised this as the thread has moved on.

Thanks everyone for your responses, it's honestly such a shitty situation but I need to put on my big girl pants and do what needs to be done, it's scary but I'll be fine.

How has he been an excellent partner so far? You haven't lived together or had to run a home together so you don't know what he is like on a day to day basis.

I would end the relationship as if you have been dating for seven years without moving in together and making that actually happen, then the relationship is already a bit stale anyway. You're still young, you don't have to settle for this.

We've got there, drusth.😉

I wouldn't be buying a house with someone I've never lived with and who is so ambivalent about his relationship with me and my DS. I think you're crazy to even consider it. You say you're both saving but are you 100% sure he is?

As for the marriage and children thing - you 100% have the right to want marriage and children and for those t be dealbreakers.

He 100% has the right NOT to want those things.

It just means you're incompatible.

The bigger issue for me is that it is not clear to me that this is a particularly serious or committed relationship. 7 years in, you don't live together (in fact you both live with your parents), he doesn't want to get married, he has little or no relationship with your DS. You very much are boyfriend/girlfriend in the way of relatively young people rather than partners on track for a longer term relationship. Assuming he's a similar age to you, it might just be that he's not ready to consider this as 30 is still young, especially for a man. But either way, I don't think you should be seeing this as "The One". It's probably better to rip off the plaster, accept you want different things, and go your separate ways.

If you see it as a "sacrifice" then you're never going to be happy with that person.

I don't care about kids or marriage and neither does my partner. Neither of us would ever be with anyone who wanted either of those.

You make a decision together as a couple, you don't compromise (either way) on something that big.

It won't go well.

Give yourself a point for earning more, being prepared to move and relocate your son, the work you've done on research, all the bending over backwards like telling yourself you'll be happy with a super low key wedding so you can tell him it's no big deal, nothing has to change... when actually you want a man who wants the whole package. Amd then knock off points fir his attitude to your son, his passiveness, the way he expects you to accept his unwillingness.

You can do so much better.

It’s always a little hard to stomach when strangers on here tell eachother to end a relationship but in this case it is kind of wonderful to see everyone unified in thinking that you deserve better 😊

Don't be scared of going it alone, you are doing great and being independent, confident and raising your standards will eventually attract the kind of person that will respect and appreciate you.

This. If he really wanted you & this family life, he'd make it happen without doubts. Dithering just means he's enjoying the sex & company but doens't care much beyond that.

‘Starting over at 30’
i had no children just failed relationships
i got with my DP at 29
i got my flat at 30
Pregnant at 31
Pregnant again at 34

30 is NOT old to start over if that’s what you want xx

For me, not being married wouldn’t bother me. A committed relationship is a committed relationship with or without the marriage license. However, if you really want another child & he doesn’t, that’s a deal breaker. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life - & you don’t want to live like that. Good luck - it’s a tricky decision :-)

Sadly you do... its scary but it will be OK....

At 26 my "whole world" wouldn't marry me and never wanted kids..... he ended up cheating on me and marrying the new woman.... I was devasted for about a year.... but I did some OLD.... tried some different types and at 29 met my now DH.... we were married within 18 months and now been together 10 years and have 2 lovely girls and a wonderful home.....

I feel like I started late but it was well worth the wait and the heartache to get here.

I always said if I hadn't met anyone by 33 then I would seek a donor as I desperately wanted a baby.

Trust your gut, you will be OK and things will pan out the way they are meant to.

Thirty is no age! I had a brief, relatively young marriage at 25, realised my mistake at 27 and didn’t even begin to settle down again until I was 35. I went on to have three children between the age of 37 and 41. Don’t settle - there’s no need and you and your child deserve better. As others have said, you both want different things and that’s fine, but the way things are, you’re giving him what he wants, without getting any of what you want, which isn’t the basis of a healthy, loving relationship.

So after 7 years together you are still the girlfriend and not a partner, and your child is a "nothing" to him. Wow.

I'm sorry OP, but he's not emotionally invested in you as a family at all. Marriage and children will never happen no matter how he tries to spin a future.

I would leave and start that fresh, new future two hours away. Get yourself a nice home, a good job and hopefully someone will enter your life who thinks you are really special and your son is amazing to be around

If you want kids and he doesn't then you are not compatible and you should leave him now while you're still young enough to meet someone else.

My SIL met my BIL at 30 and they were married less than two years later and she has just given birth to their third child.

Better to be starting over at 30 than starting over at 40 when you've probably missed your chance to have another child. It's too big a thing to compromise on for me.

OP as a lone parent I'm going to be really honest.

You out earn him, go buy a house on your own where you can afford it and protect that asset for your DS.

Society does a number on us, we should couple up, have kids, move in....as lone parents we actually really need to put our DC first, our careers and being financially independent.

As the higher earner I would advise you to not marry and to focus on securing your assets for the child you already have, not to marry for a romantic idea and risk losing them to an ex. I mean, mostly I would advise you to end your relationship, but the above applies if you form a new one as well.

If he’s not managed to integrate himself in to your existing family (you and your son) in any meaningful way after 7 years, I’m not in the least bit surprised he doesn’t want big commitments like marriage and another child in the future. You’re making the right decision to end this now and save yourself pain and suffering in the future.