Toxic SIL and pending visit

[rainingcatsandogs]

DH has half term week off. I am working as will need to take extra leave to cover the school summer holidays.

DH has announced that he is going to drive up to see his family with DD. Last night DH asked if I could WFH at his parents' house as I usually WFH. I've said no.

We were last there at Christmas. After Christmas, I decided to go no contact with SIL after numerous remarks were made. These were not a one off. She's been making them for years at me and I've simply had enough and have decided to I don't want to be around her anymore than I have to. She's also planted seeds in DD's head about her being her real mum and at Christmas DD parroted back that it might be better if I didn't go up to see them all.

Last night I told DH that I did not want DD to be left at SILs house unsupervised and she was not to be left there for a sleepover. I don't trust SIL and I can just hear her saying stuff to DD to paint me as some kind of bad person.

I know this could be avoided if I was to go. but over the years I've put up with so much from them - telling me they were sad DD looked like me, how I looked like a corpse on a night out and passed the phone with my picture around the table. They say I don't understand their humour. I find it rude and I no longer want to put myself through a visit.

I know a sleepover is likely to happen as they won't listen to me and DH gets brainwashed whilst he's there and regresses. AIBU to not to go or should I be going to protect DD from more toxic SIL comments?

With the real mum comment it really depends how it was said I think.
A few weeks ago I hugged my niece (3 years) real tight and said ‘My little baby!’ She asked my sister at bedtime if Im her mum too. It really wasnt intentional and I didnt mean anything by it other than that I love her just as much as my own 2. My sister wasnt upset or anything and knew thats how I meant it.

If your husband doesnt respect your boundaries, you should definitely go. You cant exactly decide alone that DD isnt allowed to see his family, because DH gets the same say, but you can be there to shield and redirect.

Your husband is being a dick.

Don't get railroaded into going anywhere OP and don't let DD go either.

Tell DH he can go by himself as you need to protect your and your daughter's mental health from his unhinged sister.

If he tries to argue, keep harping that on - his horrible sister's mental health cannot trump yours and DD's.

Can't believe she told your DD that it's nice and better if you don't come, and he though that was ok! Does he care about his own family?

It's not that it's triggering for you- that makes it sound like you're the person with the problem. Her behaviour is undermining, erratic and grossly disrespectful. She is the problem here.

that may not be possible. He is also a parent with parental rights and if he says "I am taking her" it will take the law to stop it. BUT as I said I do think its time to pull up big girl knickers and consider the future of the marriage.

I agree.
@MoodyMargaret11 the dh is as much a decision-making parent as the OP. He's very familiar with his sister. It's not only OP's opinion that matters. His is equal to hers.

Your DH needs to call her out on her poor behaviour! He needs to back you and not make excuses. Having mental health issues is not an excuse to be rude and offensive, DH and MIL are enabling her to be as rude and objectionable as she likes whilst hiding behind, 'it's not her fault, she's mentally unwell' No way I would be tolerating that BS

I see you’re going so I remind you to take no shit, op. None. Since you’re there you will be able to say no dd doesn’t visit sil. She stays here at your parents. Thats the only reason I came, as the only person who prioritises our child I had to, to say no to this.