Toxic SIL and pending visit

[rainingcatsandogs]

DH has half term week off. I am working as will need to take extra leave to cover the school summer holidays.

DH has announced that he is going to drive up to see his family with DD. Last night DH asked if I could WFH at his parents' house as I usually WFH. I've said no.

We were last there at Christmas. After Christmas, I decided to go no contact with SIL after numerous remarks were made. These were not a one off. She's been making them for years at me and I've simply had enough and have decided to I don't want to be around her anymore than I have to. She's also planted seeds in DD's head about her being her real mum and at Christmas DD parroted back that it might be better if I didn't go up to see them all.

Last night I told DH that I did not want DD to be left at SILs house unsupervised and she was not to be left there for a sleepover. I don't trust SIL and I can just hear her saying stuff to DD to paint me as some kind of bad person.

I know this could be avoided if I was to go. but over the years I've put up with so much from them - telling me they were sad DD looked like me, how I looked like a corpse on a night out and passed the phone with my picture around the table. They say I don't understand their humour. I find it rude and I no longer want to put myself through a visit.

I know a sleepover is likely to happen as they won't listen to me and DH gets brainwashed whilst he's there and regresses. AIBU to not to go or should I be going to protect DD from more toxic SIL comments?

@rainingcatsandogs

I wonder if this has occurred to your husband? 🌹

Yes. This. Wtf??

I don't get this either, so the SIL is insinuating she slept with her own brother and the daughter is the result, that is just sick. The SIL needs sectioning

I don’t think in al fairness there was any insinuating around incest, but more trying to get one at me about the mum comment knowing it would hurt. DD was confused, had questions etc so she’s playing with her head. It was not said in a jokey way whatsoever.

additionally, DD also said SIL had said to DD it would be better and nicer if mummy doesn’t come and visit at Christmas. DD asked me why I was going and then said this.

Before I was in the scene, DH told me SIL had previously been an inpatient at a psychiatric hospital. I’ve tried so hard, but when her mental health is used as an excuse let’s every single time it gets me down as basically the family are saying she can do and say as she wants.

What! So she's implying that she slept with her brother and gave birth to your daughter? I don't blame you for staying away!

The problem seems to be that no one is quickly & firmly correcting what SIL.

Seems ridiculous to me that a 6yr old was given the chance to be confused rather than it being shut down as a stupid remark.
(Whatever the intention behind it was)

I would have shut it down had O been there, but this happened when DD was left with her.

And this is why you need to go with your daughter.

Yeah, I wouldn't be trusting SIL with my cat let alone my child!

additionally, DD also said SIL had said to DD it would be better and nicer if mummy doesn’t come and visit at Christmas. DD asked me why I was going and then said this.
It's absolutely shocking that your husband doesn't shut this down. What a weak, disloyal man.
If any of my family had treated my husband like this, they wouldn't have been seeing me or my child until they packed it in. But your husband is basically taking their side.

You're playing games instead of setting boundaries.

You're twisting yourself in knots to play games.

What you need to do is agree your own family unit values and boundaries.

And agree when family members overstep those boundaries - or behave in a positive way.

Just go through every aggrieved incident - and identify why you were angry - and whether that was personally rude or abusive, negatively stirring up trouble, or whether it trangressed a society value - like racism, misogyny, bigotry.

And then define what you want your family values to be - and you need your husband's buy in/co-operation to agree. Then they become your family values - and the wall of your defense.

you need your husband's buy in/co-operation to agree
That's what she doesn't have though @OldPerson .
Her husband is allowing his sister to do this. He has already aligned his values with those of his parents and sister.

sadly yes this. I'd be saying to OH that he is on his last chance to keep you and his daughter.

I would put my foot down now and let everyone know that your DD cannot be left alone with SIL. Explain that as adults, you understand that some of things she says are untrue due to her mental health issues. But this can be very confusing and upsetting for a child and therefore she needs to be removed from the situation. You need DH to be on board with you for this however, and it sounds like that might be your biggest hurdle.

Totally agree with this and if she can’t be on board then he can’t take dd to his sisters.

how would he feel if this was a sibling of yours doing all this damage to your child, saying that they are your child’s dad and that they hope daddy doesn’t come to vivid too, I’m sure he would be angry.

Was your husband also not there?

Tbh I think that this is why Op needs to keep her daughter away.

They are nasty about Op.

What's the value in a relationship with them?

I am not sure she can right now. Fathers have rights too and I think (but not sure) that if a registered father says he's going to take a child to visit his family, its not as simple as saying "no you will not"

It's a problem anyway if Op needs to work either there or at home.

I'd sat there is better than at home!

I don’t think in al fairness there was any insinuating around incest, but more trying to get one at me about the mum comment knowing it would hurt

if SIL is saying she is mummy & your DH is still daddy she may not be trying to say she slept with her brother but when your DD understands where babies come from that is exactly what she is being told.

No way would a child of mine would be going any where near that bat shit crazy SIL.

Or that Daddy is really her uncle pretending to be her daddy - Christ that could really mess with DD's head!

And maybe pointing out that his sister is effectively telling his daughter that he is not her father might get through to this feckless excuse of a man because it will make it 'personal' to him, in a way it clearly doesn't register that his daughter is being told her mummy isn't her mummy.

I hate how often 'You have a DH problem' is accurate.

So looks like I’m going as DH doesn’t see there’s an issue with DD going to SIL’s unsupervised knowing how triggering it is for me

Well how convenient!