Toxic SIL and pending visit

[rainingcatsandogs]

DH has half term week off. I am working as will need to take extra leave to cover the school summer holidays.

DH has announced that he is going to drive up to see his family with DD. Last night DH asked if I could WFH at his parents' house as I usually WFH. I've said no.

We were last there at Christmas. After Christmas, I decided to go no contact with SIL after numerous remarks were made. These were not a one off. She's been making them for years at me and I've simply had enough and have decided to I don't want to be around her anymore than I have to. She's also planted seeds in DD's head about her being her real mum and at Christmas DD parroted back that it might be better if I didn't go up to see them all.

Last night I told DH that I did not want DD to be left at SILs house unsupervised and she was not to be left there for a sleepover. I don't trust SIL and I can just hear her saying stuff to DD to paint me as some kind of bad person.

I know this could be avoided if I was to go. but over the years I've put up with so much from them - telling me they were sad DD looked like me, how I looked like a corpse on a night out and passed the phone with my picture around the table. They say I don't understand their humour. I find it rude and I no longer want to put myself through a visit.

I know a sleepover is likely to happen as they won't listen to me and DH gets brainwashed whilst he's there and regresses. AIBU to not to go or should I be going to protect DD from more toxic SIL comments?

OP - Don’t let your DD go. Your DH doesn’t seem to be able to see that this behaviour is bizarre so how realistic is it that he is going to stop it in real time?

You have no obligation for your DD to have a relationship with your SIL. She sounds absolutely nuts - anyone with sense knows you don’t joke about such serious things with young children who take what adults say at face value.

What are your PIL like? I bet there is a strange dynamic there.

I remember your mother's day post as well... If DH does not recognise how toxic it is, I would not allow DD to go with just him for supervision - which leaves either you going too or neither of you going. If you do go, I don't think you can be working, because you need to supervise what this woman says around your DD if DH isn't going to do it. I can understand that you might not want to burn your annual leave on this situation though.

They may well think it's funny, but they need to understand that DD may not understand their humour in that sort of context, and that it's potentially very confusing and unsettling for her.

PIL are fine. MIL knows there’s an issue with myself and SIL and puts it down to neither of us knowing how to communicate with the other! However, MIL is very much the matriarch and she will likely say there’s no issue with DD going to SILs house.

Just for context DH has said he knows SIL has mental problems, but in the next breath is saying I need to understand that she doesn’t always know what she’s saying. Basically giving her the green light to be rude because she has mental health problems!

You have a massive DH problem.

Emmmm yes, and dh and his family aren't saying this is madness?!!
Terrifyingly bizarre!

If the SIL is so deluded or unwell that she doesn't understand what she's saying to a child then surely she's not well enough to look after one overnight?

Your DH can't have it both ways.

Either she's lucid and being spiteful on purpose or she's seriously unwell. Either way I'd not be letting my daughter stay with her.

If I was you,I'd let OH visit his family on his own. No way would I let my child go there without me. OH can't be trusted.

Can I ask? Is she rude or strange to other people? Does she fall out with people or upset people...does she have drama?

I ask because if her behaviour is based in mental problems (very vague term that) then it's likely she has relationship problems elsewhere too.
If it only seems to be between you two, it is probably more calculated and personal.

I think you and DH need to agree on a way to handle these situations so you can trust him when you’re not there. This can be done in a kind but firm way, bearing in mind your SIL’s problems with her mental health.

It isn’t right that when he goes back to his parents he becomes completely passive and just goes along with what his mother says regardless of what you think (reading between the lines I think this is what you’re saying). He needs to put your family unit first.

It’s perfectly fine DH saying you need to understand SIL’s got mental health issues but as DD is only 6 he needs to understand that’s way beyond her comprehension!

If cannot reach an agreement with your husband on how he is to handle this, I feel you have no choice but to go. It is more important, at this stage, to protect your daughter. You will have to seriously consider your relationship going forward if he won't back you up.

Wow! Yet another Mumsnet post where we bash the fathers family!
What exactly did SIL say to your daughter? Did she say "I'm your mum" or was she missing mummy cuddles cause she was away from her mum and dad for a week so your SIL said "come here I'll give you cuddles like your mum would"?

She sounds deeply troubled. Of course you're not unreasonable not to want to go, and it doesn't sound suitable for your daughter either

So I just be a doormat, let her speak to me how she wants to with no consequences and no safe place to vent? Are you my SIL?!

Seriously she has said so much stuff to try and come between me and DH and me and DD that anything she says is not without intent or innocent.

You absolutely cannot let your DD go and spend time with SIL.

essentially she is telling your DD she is the product of incest and the family are OK with that, the whole lot of them sound like lunatics and are to be avoided.

Id be having words with your DH and telling him how dangerous this behaviour is for your DDs mental health

I have said YABU because if your husband is as spineless as it sounds, absolutely you need to run interference and be up there to protect your daughter. So YABU not to go because you can't trust him to look after her properly.

It's obviously a bigger issue than this one trip, but since your question is, are you being unreasonable not to go (rather than are you being unreasonable to stay with him), yes, I think you are.

oh dear. I think unless you can stop your DH taking your daughter, you are going to have to go. I knwo it will be difficult for you but protecting your daughter is the most important thing and it doesn't look as though you can trust your husband...what that says about your marriage long term only you can decide.

So your DH thinks it’s ok to leave his child with a woman with mental health problems, knowing she’s saying things to his child who can not possibly know that aren’t true…

You need to make sure he actually understands this is not acceptable. But also I would not trust him in taking dd away because he can’t or won’t stand by your wishes when your not around.

This!! You say yourself that your DH regresses when he’s with his family, that you don’t trust him to defend either yourself or your DD.
You’re in your 20-30s(?) and have obviously put in boundaries to protect yourself. But your 6yr old can’t do that and one of her parents needs to do it for her.
If her father won’t or can’t, then I’m sorry but you are going to have to step up and do it for her.
That unfortunately means you have to go with them and WFH there.

I agree, you need to go with your daughter. At least then you can see for yourself own eyes what SIL is up to, especially as your DH seems incapable of putting his daughter's welfare first.
I'm also wondering what your SIL meant by the mum comment. I assume your DH is her brother?

Yes, DH is her brother.

Wow @CosyLemur , yet another member of the males side of the family thinking it’s ok to be rude, disrespectful and overstep boundaries because they are “family”???maybe understand that the reason so many of us on here “bash” the fathers side of the family is because they are toxic as f*ck and see nothing wrong with their words or actions!
how is telling a 6year old they are the real mum ok?????
Also, I have no problem telling my side of the family if they have done or said something inappropriate, shame men can’t seem to do the same with their side of the family so maybe that’s another reason there are issues!

So if your DH is her brother then surely SIL's comment wasn't a serious, 'I'm your actual mum', rather she felt like DD's second mum at that time. I would think maybe your DD was upset or needed a cuddle etc.

The OP has made it very clear that the SIL described herself as the real or second mum, and that the child was confused by this.