Toxic SIL and pending visit

[rainingcatsandogs]

DH has half term week off. I am working as will need to take extra leave to cover the school summer holidays.

DH has announced that he is going to drive up to see his family with DD. Last night DH asked if I could WFH at his parents' house as I usually WFH. I've said no.

We were last there at Christmas. After Christmas, I decided to go no contact with SIL after numerous remarks were made. These were not a one off. She's been making them for years at me and I've simply had enough and have decided to I don't want to be around her anymore than I have to. She's also planted seeds in DD's head about her being her real mum and at Christmas DD parroted back that it might be better if I didn't go up to see them all.

Last night I told DH that I did not want DD to be left at SILs house unsupervised and she was not to be left there for a sleepover. I don't trust SIL and I can just hear her saying stuff to DD to paint me as some kind of bad person.

I know this could be avoided if I was to go. but over the years I've put up with so much from them - telling me they were sad DD looked like me, how I looked like a corpse on a night out and passed the phone with my picture around the table. They say I don't understand their humour. I find it rude and I no longer want to put myself through a visit.

I know a sleepover is likely to happen as they won't listen to me and DH gets brainwashed whilst he's there and regresses. AIBU to not to go or should I be going to protect DD from more toxic SIL comments?

Go and meet her for yourself and come back and tell me it wasn’t a serious comment!

Go and meet her for yourself and come back and tell me it wasn’t a serious comment

Well all the more reason to go with her then! You need to protect your daughter first and foremost.

She's also planted seeds in DD's head about her being her real mum

This is deranged. I think let them go, but warn your DH: she won't be doing a sleepover with SIL and if she says anything like that to DD again, you will do everything in your power to make sure she never sees SIL again. And if he doesn't support you, you have a serious problem with your marriage.

Stay in touch. If she goes for a sleepover against your wishes, go and pick her up however far it is.

Your MIL sounds relatively reasonable. Can you try to have a phone conversation with her and get her on side, explaining you're not comfortable with DD having a sleepover with SIL? Make it clear, nicely that if she can't guarantee that then you aren't comfortable sending DD for the week. If she goes against your wishes, go and get your daughter and bring her home.

Seriously she has said so much stuff to try and come between me and DH and me and DD that anything she says is not without intent or innocent.

It kind of sounds to me like she believes you've 'stolen' her brother, and that if she can separate both DH and DD from you they'll go her. And she's preparing DD for it with the mum comments.

I hope that DH is made of sterner stuff, but sadly I'm not 100% convinced if she pushes hard enough.

Tbf all I'm reading is 1. The mum comment which was probably repeated by dd wrong it could of been a passing comment which was innocent and intended to be funny ie wow I'm like a second mum at this point due to bla bla and 2. 'They' said u looked like a corpse , yes not nice but some people have banter like that not thinking about upsetting people there just abit open with there opinions (not nice I know) but other than that has she done anything else for all this avoidance?

This is one of those do you choose shitty option number one or shitty option number two situations.

You have to decide what you want to avoid the most.
Either you being in your sils company
Or
Your daughter being there alone without you to intervene

So how much time would your daughter spend with her Aunt?

Sounds as if the biggest problem is your husband who would let her go there alone.

Why ?

Why has it happened in the past?

ETA

Also, if you are there working how much will you be able to prevent things that you don't want from happening?

They sound horrific.

I would stay at home but DH takes DD on the basis that his SIL does not have your DD unsupervised. If he can't agree to that then she stays with you and goes to camp.

If he agrees to it and doesn't implement it, should be easy to establish on return with your DD then you have your answer, she doesn't go again without you in tow. It is not your daughters role in life to entertain or pacify your SIL's mental health issues for the rest of the family.

I think it would be better if you and your husband are open in front of your daughter that s'n'law 'says funny things' sometimes which aren't true. We have a couple of a family members including my m'n'law that the children have been taught to take what they say with a pinch of salt. Largely helped because my hubby is onboard and backs this up. I am low contact with my m'n'law - kids still see her but I know if she says anything no Ok they will ask me the validity of it. Like your daughter did with you - she trusted you and asked you if what s'n'law said was true or not....and she also believed you. So I would be angry with your s'n'law but not worried your daughter is going to be 'brainwashed'.

If your husband thinks that his sister talks a load of bollocks has he bothered to tell your daughter that?

Was she told that of course Aunty is neither her real mum or a 2nd mum.

She is Aunty & that's it!

Does anyone else think that saying someone looks like a corpse or that they are said their niece/GD looks like their mum is funny?

Eta-Just to clarify I don't think it's funny & seems particularly insidious if Op's daughter is hearing this.

Beginning to think that you should both keep away!

Your daughter needs to be emotionally protected from her aunt's 'peculiarity' - and her brother/your husband does not seem to be up to the job. Also "MIL is very much the matriarch and she will likely say there’s no issue with DD going to SILs house", so since MIL will prioritise her own daughter over her granddaughter she's not up to the job either.

If DD goes, sorry OP but you need to go too. Personally I would be questioning her going at all. Your husband's parents can come visit if they want to maintain their relationship with their granddaughter. I would be making damned sure my daughter was never left alone with her aunt EVER.

it sounds like a stupid comment she made in jest. you can't control what happens when you choose not to be present - you are able to be there, so if you're that bothered about what happens, you should go.
its ridiculous however to try and dictate what happens when you are staying at home by choice.

I had this sister in law myself. Mental issues and all the family tip toeing about to not "upset" her. We broke up over it and I could not be happier with them out of my life. Sadly her father and his family cut our dd out of their lives but that was their choice.

My child would nit go at all ! That family is demented and she is better without them

SIL sounds like someone I wouldn’t leave my child with. If your husband cannot be trusted to take the situation seriously then I say DD shouldn’t be going at all.

If you can’t trust your SIL with your DD and if you can’t trust your DH to prevent your DD having a visit/sleepover with SIL, then you have no alternative but to go with him and WFH at PIL’s, in order to safeguard your DD.
You say your PIL are ok with you and your DD so why can’t you go with them to prevent a further repeat of the drama.
Does your SIL live with your PIL or come to stay too, if your DD is there ?

Sounds like both hubby and sil are to be avoided if they think it’s normal behaviour.

I think to make a judgement we need to know exactly what has been said and how it’s been said.

This just sounds absolutely awful. I wouldn't want my child spending time with someone who keeps trying to split me and my husband up or making horrible comments about me or saying something convincing enough to my six year old daughter to make her think that she might be her mum?!

I mean, six is six but six year olds know who their parents are. Whatever she said to her, I don't think it was a joke and I think she said it in a way that meant your six year old had questions.

I wouldn't let her go. I don't think your husband is going to stick by any discussion you have whilst you are here about her not staying with your SIL.

I'm sorry. This is a shitty situation to be in.

There is not a chance in hell I would let my dd go just in case she is unsupervised with sil. She sounds mentally unhinged. Not the kind of person I want my child being unsupervised with.

and if dh had any respect for you and his dd , considering the comments sil has made he would respect your wishes.

No it's a post about strange and inappropriate behaviour that just so happens to be from the 'fathers family' as you put it. Not ops fault these ppl are crossing every line.

Is SIL suggesting she had an incestuous relationship with your DH?

Your DH has no spine so YOU have to have one. Don’t let her go there without you. My SIL is the same. And the PIL react in the same way as yours. DH used to but he gets it now. Tell DH he can’t take her and needs to stay home.