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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Meeting up with MIL without DH

86 replies

whitecupboard · 08/05/2024 07:46

I work part time (Mon,Tues,Wed) and have Thurs and Fri off work. My MIL expects me to meet up with her one day every week with DD. DD is 18 months and MIL just wants to sit in a cafe where, obviously, DD is getting bored after a wee while.

I see my parents one day when I am off but they come to my house or we go somewhere where DD is a bit more entertained, they drive to see me.

MIL doesn't drive so it's always me that is having to go and meet her in her local town (45 min drive) and trying to time it with DD naps/lunch etc.

I like my MIL but I just cannot be arsed with the expectation I should use my days off to see her. Can't go to her house as her partner (not DH's dad) is horrible to me and DH which she just accepts is how he is instead of asking why he is like he is with us (we have not doing anything wrong to this man, his own children don't even bother with him though which says a lot)

Every few weeks DH will go and collect her from her house, bring her back to ours and then have to take her back which is just a pain in itself. Also, after an hour or so she says ok are you ready to take me home now so it's a lot of mither for just an hour or so visit before she wants to leave anyway.

AIBU to say I don't want to meet up with her? I really am struggling with whether I am just being a cow.

OP posts:

WombatStewForTea · 08/05/2024 07:48

I'd start phasing her out slowly. Have something you need to do one week and see her every other week for a bit then start to increase the gaps.
She might not be able to drive but is there no public transport?

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 08/05/2024 07:48

Her choice not to drive.

You're choice not to faff around wasting time with her. If I was to meet her, I'd pick a softplay venue :D

Yanbu!

CadyEastman · 08/05/2024 07:49

Absolutely not. There's no way I'd be happy to do this every week. Why can't she take public transport to get closer to you?

SBHon · 08/05/2024 07:51

Can your DH not do the meet up on his day off instead of you doing it in yours?

yaynottoolongtogonow · 08/05/2024 07:52

It's your husband's role to do this, not yours!

Noicant · 08/05/2024 07:53

Can you do fewer meetings and say have her stay a night once a month instead and get your Dh to do the driving?

Zanatdy · 08/05/2024 07:53

I would not be driving 45mins each way to see her on my 2 days off each week. I’d just say that sorry you’re busy, little one gets fussy in the car, anything really. If she complains about your parents I’d say that they come to you so that’s the difference. How horrible you can’t visit her home due to how her partner is, that’s also on her, if she got rid of this guy perhaps you’d go and see her more

MonsteraMama · 08/05/2024 07:55

You're not being a cow. It's nice that she wants to spend time with her grandchild but she needs to be a bit more flexible, and not expect you to do all the legwork to facilitate this.

What's stopping her meeting you at a soft play or something a bit more kid friendly? Her not driving is a pretty poor excuse to expect you to run round after her, public transport exists.

fieldsofbutterflies · 08/05/2024 07:57

I'm surprised you've tolerated it for so long to be honest, no way would I do this every week for someone who never made any kind of effort themselves.

DH can take baby to visit MIL occasionally if he wants - you stay home and have some peace!

Maddy70 · 08/05/2024 07:59

Wean her off. Can't come as joined a baby group to meet baby friends

Can't come next time as meeting your friends from Baby group

Etc etc

Toomuch44 · 08/05/2024 08:00

From the point of view of being fair to both sides, if you're seeing your parents, MIL should have the opportunity to see you as well. However, this doesn't have to be just you - it can be done when your OH is off as well or he can do something with MIL occasionally on his own.

There will be buses - you need to start making other arrangements on that day, so you haven't got time to drive over there but she's more than welcome to get bus to yours (if possible) or a joint location like a park. Either way, weather should be better for a few months, so going to/meeting at a park with a play area for DD and somewhere that serves takeaway coffee would work better.

OnehundredStars · 08/05/2024 08:02

Not your responsibility at all. I would just be busy. My mil used to call me a lot at approx 4pm when I was leaving work (worried about my husband and would he get home safely)
it got on my nerves so I asked him and he rang her and said it made me start to worry about him getting home safely (so no conflict but sorted the issue) she stopped ringing

misskatamari · 08/05/2024 08:05

yanbu. I also really disagree with "you're seeing your parents, MIL should get equal time with you". She's not your mum! You're perfectly allowed to see your close family as often as you like, and see Mil as often as you like. You're not a commoditiy to be shared equally! I would not be commiting to this. If I was going to have to commit to some scheduled activity i don't want to do on days i'm not working, i'd go and work full time! I'd start a phase out, like others recommend, then maybe go for a monthly meet? Something much more managable

GreatGateauxsby · 08/05/2024 08:07

My MIL expects me to meet up with her one day every week with DD.

😅😅😅 Good for her...let her expect away...

She has 2 legs she can get ubers buses and taxis.

She also has fingers presumably? and can use those to get her phone out and suggest or book toddlers friendly activities (soft play church groups playgrounds etc) or nice outings your toddler might like.

She doesnt give a crap about seeing her GD she just wants a day entertainment.

Id start having stuff planned and phasing it out and invite her to things you are doing. She can either get there under her own steam and participate or decline - ie she is choosing not to bother.

ABirdsEyeView · 08/05/2024 08:14

You aren't being a cow. You also aren't obliged to spend your days off doing something that another person wants you to do!
I think this is the problem with having regular arrangements - people start expecting that they are set in stone and making you feel guilty if you want to do something else.
If you want change then you have to bite the bullet and let mil know that you want to do something else on your day off - line meet a friend or just chill in your own house.
I suggest starting with a text that says something along the lines of 'hi mil, just to let you know I won't be in X town on Thursday so won't be able to meet up for coffee. Hope all well. See you soon c'
Just break the cycle. You can also text and invite her over to yours on a day that suits you. Your dh should ideally be there since his mum would probably like to see him too.
But since she allows her partner to be an arse to you both and you are expected to do all the travelling, it's perfectly okay to say no.
Your own relationship with your own parents is a separate thing since they want to see you, not just the baby!

I don't believe in treating partner's parents like 2nd class grandparents, which does happen sometimes, but it isn't your responsibility as a dil to facilitate all relationships and make all the effort. For some families once a week visiting is a lot, especially if it commandeers a day off every week.

Sharptonguedwoman · 08/05/2024 08:16

Compromise. Summer's coming (eventually). Park with a cafe. Somewhere outside with seats. Soft play.

CadyEastman · 08/05/2024 08:22

The other alternative is that DH drops a day and you work that day and DH entertains his DM?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 08/05/2024 08:23

You'd be better off in work to be honest. You are losing out on pension, wages, career progression etc...to take your mother in law to a cafe. Presumably you arranged your life like this for the benefit of your baby. So put your baby first. Say that now they are walking it's too much for them to sit in the buggy or high chair for an hour, and instead of sitting in the cafe, meet at a soft play, play town, park etc. Or meet at something (swimming lessons or something similar) near her house. And as other have said start inventing other things to do every other week and than more often so you're only seeing her every 3 weeks or so. If her or your husband doesn't like this then he can change his hours to have an afternoon off every couple of weeks to see her

Onetiredbeing · 08/05/2024 08:27

Sharptonguedwoman · 08/05/2024 08:16

Compromise. Summer's coming (eventually). Park with a cafe. Somewhere outside with seats. Soft play.

Why? Why should op give up a day off though? Dh can bring her when he is available and if not then tough. Op I wouldn't get involved in trying to be equal here. Your parents you deal with, leave dh to deal with his.

LardoBurrows · 08/05/2024 08:28

Your MIL made the decision not to drive and she made the decision to live with a man who is horrible to her son and DIL, those are her choices and she has every right to make them. What she does not have the right to do, is to expect you and her son to inconvenience yourselves on a regular basis in order to accommodate her choices.

I would be cutting back the visits on your day off, just tell her you are busy with friends and activities, housework etc. You, DH and DD could meet up with her maybe once a month, either at yours or at a child friendly activity close to her home, but only when convenient for you.

HeddaGarbled · 08/05/2024 08:29

I think you should ensure that she gets a similar amount of time with her grandchild as the other grandmother does. The logistics of that is up to you.

BreakingAndBroke · 08/05/2024 08:33

I'd still see her, but as your daughter is getting older and more mobile, change the venue to a local farm or soft play or toddler class.

Coffeegincarbs · 08/05/2024 08:35

Meet her halfway at somewhere she can get public transport, somewhere outside where you can get a coffee and DC can run around and play if she gets bored. Scale your visits back if you want to once a fortnight (invent a baby club that you now go to?)

Laiste · 08/05/2024 08:38

Noooooooooo.

You deal with your parents he deals with his.

*'deal' in this context means: facilitating contact with grandkids, doing birthday cards and accepting/declining/instigating 'family get togethers'.

It also means being responsible for managing their expectations to gatecrash your bloody holidays but that's another thread !!

Gradually phase out the meetups by being busy until it's no longer a thing.

ChubbyMorticia · 08/05/2024 08:39

HeddaGarbled · 08/05/2024 08:29

I think you should ensure that she gets a similar amount of time with her grandchild as the other grandmother does. The logistics of that is up to you.

No, her husband should be the one to facilitate the relationship.

Why on earth would his mother be @whitecupboard‘s responsibility? Do you expect the husband to spend a day off visiting with his MIL?

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