Meeting up with MIL without DH

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I work part time (Mon,Tues,Wed) and have Thurs and Fri off work. My MIL expects me to meet up with her one day every week with DD. DD is 18 months and MIL just wants to sit in a cafe where, obviously, DD is getting bored after a wee while.

I see my parents one day when I am off but they come to my house or we go somewhere where DD is a bit more entertained, they drive to see me.

MIL doesn't drive so it's always me that is having to go and meet her in her local town (45 min drive) and trying to time it with DD naps/lunch etc.

I like my MIL but I just cannot be arsed with the expectation I should use my days off to see her. Can't go to her house as her partner (not DH's dad) is horrible to me and DH which she just accepts is how he is instead of asking why he is like he is with us (we have not doing anything wrong to this man, his own children don't even bother with him though which says a lot)

Every few weeks DH will go and collect her from her house, bring her back to ours and then have to take her back which is just a pain in itself. Also, after an hour or so she says ok are you ready to take me home now so it's a lot of mither for just an hour or so visit before she wants to leave anyway.

AIBU to say I don't want to meet up with her? I really am struggling with whether I am just being a cow.

Fuck that. My MIL comes to my house once a week to spend time with my youngest before he starts school. She has done this with all her grandchildren. I crack on cleaning or whatever I need to do while she is here. She would never expect me to go out of my way like yours does!
My DH would take the kids over there or we all go over for a family occasion but she would never expect me to run around for her!

Don't say you do not want to meet up with her

Instead be a bit less available, so it gradually drops to twice a month, then to once a month

You have to break the fixed expectations without conflict. So next day off...unfortunately you cannot see her as you are having your hair cut/have to go to B&Q/you have a headache/virus/your car has no petrol/MOT/you are waiting in for a delivery/DD has a play date/you are taking DD swimming/whatsver

Just break the pattern to break the expectation. When you DO meet be super nice and happy about it. Then, sadly week after you are not available again

Hell no.

Could you handle once a month, with you picking her up and going to some child-friendly activity near her house? If dh does once a month too, she is seeing her gc fortnightly which is generous for a woman who won't make any effort.

Or, there must be a soft play near her. Do that with MiL, every week. After a few visits, when MiL inevitably says she doesn't want to do that, you can say oh good, saves us a drive, we'll go to the soft play near our house instead, since you don't want to come with us and soft play is what we do on Fridays. Thursdays? Oh I'm busy. Housework, you know.

No reason you need to meet up with her unless you want to. I have never spent time alone with my MIL without dh in the 15 years we've been together. If she wants to spend time with her grandchild, then your dh can facilitate it on some of his days off. He can drive to meet her for coffee and then drive back.

We also can't visit MIL's house due to her partner (he doesn't allow any of MIL's family, but he is also a safeguarding risk, so isn't allowed around children anyway, that's a whole other bag of worms!). If she doesn't come to us on a day dh organises it, dh will take dc to go meet her for a day out. It's his family, it's his responsibility to facilitate those interactions.

Phase her out? She's her husbands mother ffs!

I would probably do once a month but certainly not weekly.

Because a gentle solution rather than confrontation is a way forward without people being at loggerheads? Most full time workers can't just 'drop a day' as suggested. What I think is that OP and DH probably want their weekends and Op is trying to do the right thing. She needs a gentle way out, no feelings hurt.

This is not your responsibility but IS kind of you. Could you start suggesting more child friendly places? Play cafes? Soft plays? You might resent it less.

Thanks so much for all your replies, really appreciate it.

I am going with being 'busy' a few times and phase out the weekly meeting and then insisting we do something more toddler appropriate when we do meet.

With regards to DH we really value the weekends as a family just the three of us as it's the only time we get together so don't want him to being doing it every weekend either or for us all to be meeting up every weekend! In relation to the weekly meet ups he has said just say you are busy if you don't fancy it, so at least I have his backing.

I have text her and said I can't do this week as meeting up with friends and she has replied 'ok' so who knows but I feel good I have done it and I will get a nice day to myself with just DD!!

Next week invite her over to yours, or ask if she'd like to meet halfway. If she doesn't, then you've done your bit and you can just reply that you'll see her another time.

Don’t do it. There are other modes of transport like a bus or taxi. Meet in the middle at a soft play or park etc. You choose the place and time and if she doesn’t want to do it then she misses out. I’m shocked so many people can’t seem to say no. You are not indebted to this woman. You owe her no servitude.

It’s nice to be able to keep the relationship between your daughter and her Nan, it’s hard but being the bigger person and helping to facilitate this is the kind thing to do. Once a week on a cafe isn’t ideal though. As others have said maybe a soft play, most have cafe areas she can sit in and it will be more fun for DD at least. Regimented once a week isn’t needed either, can just be as and when you have the time so you aren’t tied down too much.

Off topic but the whole 'you deal with your parents, he deals with his' type of thing is so alien to me! When I married my husband, his parents became my parents and the same for him with mine. Equal effort from both to each.
That being said, if I don't want to meet up or go round I just say so. 'i can't today, I've got plans/really want a lazy day at home/don't feel well (whatever the reason I am always honest!), how about X day instead?' never been an issue

You are not being unreasonable, use your days as you see fit. Don't start a regular thing with MIL or you'll get stuck with it and even harder to get out of

Don't spend your precious days off meeting up with MIL and don't feel bad about it. Let your DH take the little one to meet up with her at the weekend and have a bit of time to yourself! It's entirely her own fault that her husband is so horrible that you can't visit her home. That's her choice and she can't expect everyone else to inconvenience themselves because of it.

I can’t believe some of the comments here about not ‘giving up’ your day off! MIL became family when you married and although it’s hard work she won’t be around forever, making memories with grandparents is so important. Suggest something child friendly and do it every other week but don’t ’phase her out’ as some have suggested. What an awful way to treat someone.

Whilst I understand your sentiment her DMIL is interested in "making memories" or the enjoyment of the OP or her DGD. It sounds as though she's just looking for a bit of a chat in a cafe each week away from her awful Partner.

If this is how OP feels maybe she should suggest something other than a cafe. If this was my MIL I’d have suggested something different and if the suggestion was rejected I’d visit every other week. I certainly wouldn’t be cutting her off. I don’t see an issue taking an 18 month old to a cafe anyway, kids that age are easy enough to entertain with snacks, books, toys ect

This.

I know how hard it is as a people pleaser. I did this for months with my EX MIL (see my post 'am I being unreasonable to reduce contact with ex mil') and I didnt enjoy it at all.

I would sign up to a baby and toddler class on that day (perhaps invite her along to it - she can make her own way there) and tell dh he needs to organize seeing her. Dh needs to answer any questions about it, explaining that an 18 m old doesn't like to sit in a cafe.

Sounds like she’s making her problems yours!

Also husbands family, husbands problem.

so I think you’re a champ for putting in the effort, and totally reasonable to stop, or at least decrease.

This MIL doesn't really seem to have done anything wrong so I think 'phasing her out' is horrendously cruel.
Yes it's not solely your responsibility but I do believe it's partly your responsibility. Surely marriage, and family means making compromises and thinking of the needs of the family as a whole.
Obviously different if there's been problems and nastiness, but this just sounds like she wants to see her grandchild, which is perfectly normal.

Cut it down to once a month and suggest somewhere other than a coffee shop. Then once a month on a Saturday get DH to take dc to visit her or do an activity like a park or something your toddler would like. You then get a whole day to yourself.

I'd say to my husband we will have her here once a fortnight you go and collect her I am not doing it on my day off anymore.

It wouldn't be fair to 'cut her off' - but everyone in a family has to make the effort to see each other, if that's what they want. Everyone inconveniences themselves a bit, to foster relationships. Sometimes that will be the OP, and other times it will be her dh or mil!
It can't always be that mil commandeers the OP's day off, just because there's now a grandchild in the mix. Give and take is important.

I also don't entirely agree with 'his family, his problem' position taken by some people. When you get married, you do mix families to a degree. My dh would do favours for my parents and they would (and have) do favours for him. I spent time with my in-laws that I might ideally have preferred not to do at certain times and I'm sure they put up with me when they might not always have felt unreserved love. But that's what you do. It only goes wrong when one person wants to be constantly accommodated and another person has to constantly give up their own free time.

Agree with others - arrange once a month, in a soft play type cafe, or a farm park, or beach/lido/splash place or somewhere else the baby will enjoy, especially in the summer. Make it an outing for a baby you bring Grandma along on, not a chore nobody else enjoys. With any luck that will also help foster their relationship, and she'll have a much better time with a happy and engaged child - so win win all around.

If Grandma isn't interested in an outing centred on the baby's needs and not her own, then maybe she actually wants an excuse to get out of the house, and should join eg bridge club, or a book club, or something, because that wouldn't be about the baby at all.