Meeting up with MIL without DH

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I work part time (Mon,Tues,Wed) and have Thurs and Fri off work. My MIL expects me to meet up with her one day every week with DD. DD is 18 months and MIL just wants to sit in a cafe where, obviously, DD is getting bored after a wee while.

I see my parents one day when I am off but they come to my house or we go somewhere where DD is a bit more entertained, they drive to see me.

MIL doesn't drive so it's always me that is having to go and meet her in her local town (45 min drive) and trying to time it with DD naps/lunch etc.

I like my MIL but I just cannot be arsed with the expectation I should use my days off to see her. Can't go to her house as her partner (not DH's dad) is horrible to me and DH which she just accepts is how he is instead of asking why he is like he is with us (we have not doing anything wrong to this man, his own children don't even bother with him though which says a lot)

Every few weeks DH will go and collect her from her house, bring her back to ours and then have to take her back which is just a pain in itself. Also, after an hour or so she says ok are you ready to take me home now so it's a lot of mither for just an hour or so visit before she wants to leave anyway.

AIBU to say I don't want to meet up with her? I really am struggling with whether I am just being a cow.

Surely you meant HE (the husband) should ensure his mother is getting the same time as the other grandmother?

Do you expect the husband to spend a day off visiting with his MIL?

Ha! Yes how many male partners would happily go into town and sit in a cafe wrangling a toddler once a week with their mother in law?! Bloody none!

Seeing and bonding with GPs is very important. MIL didn’t live near us when our DC was young, but if she’d been 45 mins away I would absolutely have met up regularly with her. My parents lived close by and we saw them once or twice every week. I’d 100% always choose coffee or trip to local NT property over soft play. Maybe that’s coloured by the fact that my parents were over 70 when DC born. Although, I tend to think soft play is a last resort entertainment. Usually expensive and the food there can be junky.

I'd say I need to spend my day off catching up on housework/chores. If you do meet why not do soft play or something else rather than a cafe?

As your daughter gets older you’re going to want to do more activities that help her speech and social development which any sane grandparent would surely recognise as important.. so maybe start looking for some now. Within a couple of years she’s going to potentially be in some kind of nursery/kindergarten anyway so you won’t have this extra time forever.. make it work for you now..

I’m another one who doesn’t believe in the equality approach when it comes to family - there are too many other factors at play.. ie the unwelcoming environment, distance in your case. Yes a relationship with both grandparents is important but it’s not about how many hours each spends with the child per week.. my family live hundreds of miles away and my kids don’t love them any less than the ones they see most weeks!

It'll be the baby MIL wants to see, even if she doesn't interact with him/her. I'm not disagreeing but life is rarely right/wrong, Also DH probably works full time so to do this, he'll have to use weekend family time. Perfectly possible but probably annoying. I'm suggesting a small compromise and then OP can plan a way forward.

I agree with the other suggestions made this far. It's not solely up to you to facilitate a relationship (no matter how much time your own parents spend with your baby) with your MiL and baby. That is where your OH comes in.

As for your MiL's husband not liking you or your OH (his wife's son and his step-son) and for your MiL not doing anything about it, I'd be having words with my OH to see if there is a way to extricate MiL from this situation as it's not an ideal relationship for her to be in, perhaps she uses this time away from her DH to decompress and get away from him (perhaps not) but that said, she could just as easily go to a book club for example to do that.

I think you first need to have a chat with your OH and see how you can agree to at least split the visits with her between you, so that you see a 50% drop in how often you see her. Then I think you both need to find out if there is something else behind the frequency of these visits. I'd also make it clear to MiL that DD who she is there to see doesn't enjoy coffee shops and would prefer somewhere more in tune with her requirements and MiL is welcome to go to X play centre or Y playzone place.

Phase it out, and do that rapidly.
"Sorry - can't make it this week." And so on, until it stops.

You do not owe your MIL anything - including facilitating her preferred life arrangements.

This kind of "routine" gets embedded very quickly, and the more you give, the more is expected from you.

Your DH can visit if he wants, or drive her around (if he wants), but it's not your job and your time is your choice how to spend.

I wonder if all the posters telling the OP to ditch her MIL would feel differently once their kids are grown and have babies and they themselves become the MIL... 🤔

Just. Say. No.

Arrange to meet at a notoriously grisly time of day with DD who will make this meeting as miserable as possible for everyone. Use that as an excuse to avoid meeting up “until she’s a bit bigger”. Then tell MIL that DD needs a more stimulating environment than a cafe.

Who has said this? Most posters seem to be saying it’s her son who should be making time for contact, or that MiL should be more child friendly in her wanting to meet up. And it’s not unreasonable to not want to every week regardless. Why should the op have to go out of her way with a bored toddler every week, it’s unfair (and I’d say the same if it was her own parents expecting the same).

Just what I was thinking. Our DC is grown up now. The times he was able to spend with GPs are some of his best memories. All of our meet weekday meet ups with my parents revolved around coffee shops and my mum would bring him a mini cheese sandwich. Some of those coffee shops were in town, some at the garden centre or NT properties. None were in soft play, although we did go to local parks with them and had play equipment at their house.

Our meet ups with MIL were visits and holidays. Likewise, we never went to soft play apart from the small one in a cafe area on holiday and we only did that because it was raining.

How do you know it's her choice not to drive?

She may have a medical condition which prevents her from driving.

Depends on the toddler and the expectations you have of them and family life. Once a week or fortnight meet up sounds normal to me.

if i was being this kind of MIL? then it would be nobody's fault but my own if my DILs didn't want to facilitate this.

I loathed my MIL. Couldn't bear to be in the same room as the racist misogynistic old bag. So i never went to see her. DH facilitated all contact between her and my DC and it was fine, except that they are girls and she was a sexist old trout so they soon tired of being expected to worship their male cousins, give way to them in all things and tidy up while they didn't. So they stopped too. And we were all a lot happier when that happened.

If she hadn't been such a horrible person it may have been different. But i suspect I'd have been encouraging my DH to take over that side of things while i handled my family.

I’d not expect my toddler to sit in a car for 1.5 hours then have to sit in a cafe for even longer and mess around with their nap and eating routine just for a sake of a chat. If it’s about spending quality time with grandchildren, then the time should be suited to said grandchild. Otherwise it’s just a ‘have a natter and got to say I saw grandchild for the sake of it’ moment isn’t it. Not actually quality family time. Mil or her son need to make a better effort here, that’s the expectations of them.

I knew someone was going to say that before the thread was much older.

Posters telling the OP to ditch her MIL would no doubt have learned from threads like this, if their own natural empathy had not already told them, what is reasonable to expect of their DIL and how to be an asset to the family rather than a pain in the butt, so that they are welcome. I, for example, am a MIL and GM. I do not have a miserable sod of a partner. I'm happy to meet where and when suits them (work permitting), and I get myself there. DS and DIL's main purpose in life is the fantastically important one of bringing up my DGC, not of entertaining me. I'd be upset if they didn't want to see me, but either they do or at least I'm not putting too much of a strain on them faking it We are also in touch by phone, text or email as required. I'm a family member, not a chore. (I might be a pain in the butt too, I'm sure DS would say so, but they're used to that.)

Sorry but she has made the choice not to drive in an area where it is obviously necessary or she would be able to move herself around without inconvenience to you.

Your husband (her son) has managed to do it. You have managed to do it .. most people I have met have managed to do it. Yes it's expensive initially but it is an investment in a more convenient life for me my kids and my wider family when we live outside an area with comprehensive public transportation.. and is therefore a priority before holidays and other luxuries - so I am afraid to say that your MIL is being unreasonable in expecting you to facilitate her life choices. (I am almost always in the MIL side in these debates as a MIL myself)

With the caveat of course that she is not blind and/or subject to an illness that the dvla does not allow behind the wheel .that you have not mentioned in your OP.

YANBU - those days off are to spend with your baby, not your MIL. I'd sign up for a regular class or something you'd enjoy doing with DD.

What's your DH's take on this .... It is his mum after all. Does he take your toddler to see his mum? If not why not?

I don't get on particularly well with mine, she is self centered and wants the world to revolve around her. I didn't take my kids to see her when I was on mat leave. Too busy with groups etc. DH was expecting me to go to her but never communicated this to me. He hoped having a grandchild would give her a new lease of life. She could use public transport but couldn't be bothered. It caused massive problems between us and became a bigger and bigger elephant in our relationship.

Speak to your DH then go from there. It's a long way for a day especially with such a young child. If mil is that bothered she has to make some effort.

At the end of the day the arrangement doesn’t suit op. Up to a point it doesn’t suit grandchild.

However, people like different things be they 70, 35 or 18 months. That’s why some on here don’t really get why meet up once a week is so frowned upon

I'd phase it to once month just say you already have plans.

If she wants more then your dh can do it at weekend

Also do soft play or a park or farm

I would 100% do this in a similar situation BUT... and this is a big one.... MIL would not expect me to just sit in a cafe with her while the baby is bored. When the DC were younger MIL would happily tag along to baby-related activities like soft plays or rhyme times. Or we might do a little light shopping and she'd be quite helpful - hanging with the baby while I tried somethign on or popped to pay. Sure, we'd pop into a cafe TOO, but we'd all need refreshment by then so it would be fine. Or she'd come to ours and enjoy holding the baby, feeding the baby, playing peekaboo etc.

So for me, the issue would be that you're so restricted on what you with her and it's a total waste of your/your baby's time. f she wants you to see her weekly, it needs to be worth your while, and it certainly isn't right now.

Also, for all that I would probably have done this, doesn't mean you have to. So, assuming she's NOT going to change her arrangements iwth you, drop it to less often.