To just not buy dd (12) any birthday presents as she won’t tell me what she wants and the sulking is tedious?

[dameofdilemma]

I just give up.
Dd is already getting an iPhone for her birthday (not a new one) from us but we keep being asked by GPs, uncles etc what else she’d like. I know they’d like to give her something other than money.

You’d think we were asking dd to mine coal from pits or something with the sulking we’ve had to endure.

Dd is very much a teen having hit puberty properly in primary school. We have the full range of sulking, sneering, obsession with brands, deriding anything suggested by her parents as babyish or lame etc. So it’s difficult to just guess at gifts and she’ll probably reject them if she hasn’t asked for them.

Every suggestion we’ve made has been thrown back in our faces. When dd finally came up with a list which included £200+ of clothes and we said she needed to whittle it down she deleted the list from WhatsApp and said she wants nothing.

So that’s what she’ll get. I might not even be arsed to get a cake. I’ve just had enough of her turning home into a battleground 90% of the time.

How many more years before I can escape to a remote rural cottage?

Hang on in there. I was a horrible daughter as a teenager and didn't have the maturity to know or articulate that I found my moods as confusing and exasperating as anyone else!

I suggest telling enquiring relatives that she'd like vouchers from a suitable clothes shop.

An iPhone sounds like a fantastic present from you. How about something you can do together as an "experience" gift? Preferably something you want to do and could do with a friend if she's being a grumpy madam in the run-up!

If that was multiple items of clothing adding up to £200-worth, she's just providing people with a choice. You might have suggested she indicate anything she particularly wanted more than the other items, as she probably wouldn't get given everything on the list. If most things were likely to be more than people were expecting to spend, then you gently suggest adding some cheaper items.

Vouchers for the clothes shop. And yes you do need to do her a cake, it's your job not to join in with the sulking, as tempting as a remote cottage sounds.

Blow dry - we’re going to a concert with friends for her birthday so she has that too.

lanthanum - dd wanted them all. Along with a load of make up and skincare stuff.

You need to learn to pick your battles. A list is a series of wishes not a demands, you should have picked an item from the list or recommended to relatives they get vouchers from brands on the list.

Well yes she wanted them all, that's the point of the list. She wasn't going to get everything though so you could have just picked one or two items

If you nagged and nagged for a list and then she gave you one and you told her it was too long, I can sort of see her point!

You didn't need to get everything from the list, just pick one or two things for the relevant relatives.

We did try vouchers at Christmas but dd has now said she doesn’t want them.

Maybe she just doesn’t need anything and family can just give her £20 each. Then she can choose herself. We could do without the drama but I guess that’s par for the course.

Why didn't you just let people pick things from her list if they were asking what to get her?

You seem to be acting just as childishly as you claim she is by saying she'd get nothing including no cake

What was problematic about the list? She’s done what was asked and provided lots of choices (despite maybe wanting surprises?) Why not meet her half way?

YANBU OP. 12yr old DD’s Christmas list had 56 different items on it…many of them random skin care things she’d seen on TikTok and only available in the U.S. I asked her to put an asterix next to any she really wanted (vetoing anything not appropriate and/or needed importing from the States) and that’s what she had. She’d actually forgotten most of what was on her list by Christmas morning anyway.

They may be difficult grumpy and hard work, but I've found love bombing teenagers helpful.

DD thankfully is now 16 is lovely and very cuddly now, where she wouldn't have entertained the idea at 12.

Why don't you get her a cake, suggest some of the clothes items to grandparents/relatives or maybe vouchers for favourite brands would be appropriate. Although we are now very much in the kids just get money for birthdays/Christmas and have been for a few years. My youngest is 13 and I can't wait for him to stop being stroppy and grumpy. Hopefully we won't have to long to wait although I fear he is grumpier then his sister was.

Why couldn't she have some of the things on her list? Or vouchers from relatives to put together for one of the things?

I think this one’s on you a bit : you asked for a list, dd provided a list and then you told her it was too long. As far as she’s concerned she did what you asked for… Why not provide the long list then people could have a bit of choice over their budget/preference? My DD’s list is always 2-3 times as many things as she’ll get: they are all things she’d like and she knows she won’t get all of em!

Of course she wanted everything on the list, she's not going to put things she doesn't want

12 is still young enough to enjoy the suprise of not knowing what you are getting as a gift. By providing a long list this still allowed for a suprise. Whittling down the list means that she is more likely to get exactly what she expects, which whilst very nice isn't as much fun when you are only just at the age of moving away from the magic of gifts as a younger child

It sounds like she's confused by who she is at the moment. I understand not wanting to live in a battle ground and I could be being naive as I am a year or two off this point but I think what she probably needs at the moment is a cake, some love and to feel the normality of celebrating her birthday

Oh and agree with pp: hang in for a few years and she will, hopefully, come out the other side: navigating early teen hood is tough

Sounds like a bit of miscommunication. She gave you a list. Yes, it had far too much on it but I'd have said: brilliant list DD, thank you. I'll pick a few things from it for the relatives to get. All my 12 year old would have wanted was clothes and make up. Tricky to get without a list so if you don't get the list back, ask relatives for gift cards or to get gift receipts. Both mine were probably at their stroppiest around 12. I was dreading the teenage years because of this but it hadn't been as bad as I was expecting.

I don't see the issue with the list. You could have picked things off it and asked different people to get them.

You asked her to write a list, she did as you asked and wrote a list, you didn't like the list because it wasn't the list you thought it should be - so she deleted the list.

I don't blame her, she probably feels like nothing she does is right or good enough for you (as teenagers often feel). I think you've made this into a much bigger issue than it needed to be.

The list is just a guide to give people ideas. Surely by age 12 she is aware of that?

why did you need to make a thing about whittling it down?

I agree with @taleasoldashoney - she needs help to get through this stage where she's not adult enough to want to say specifically which 5 items she wants from the 5 relatives who are getting her a present. Surprises are fun at this age, even if she wouldn't articulate that. She gave you a list so you know your relatives won't be surprising her with something she doesn't like. When she gave you the list you should have said thanks and then picked things for each relative to get her which suited their likely budget. Failing that, vouchers for the shop / brand. Now she has deleted the list, if she refuses to give it back and you cant remember what's on it, get vouchers or something to do with another hobby she has, to show you do think and care about what she likes. Getting nothing be because she is being a bit petulant (you don't describe horrible misbehaving on her part) could send the message you aren't that interested in celebrating her. (as an example, my 12yo daughter likes art/ colouring and and has pierced ears so art supplies and earrings are good fallback gifts from other relatives when she doesn't come up with enough ideas herself).

This! I don't see the issue here. She's made a list so send that to family and they can decide what to get her.

I've given my grandchildren money since about that age. They can add money gifts together and buy what they want. It also makes them aware of what things cost.

The gift is supposed to be for the benefit of the recipient not for the giver to feel good. You are making this much too difficult.

I don't see what is wrong with giving her cash. Its what she wanted. After that, it becomes less about her and her birthday and about the people who want to give her things instead. Then she gave a list and was told it was wrong too. She doesn't seem to be able to win this one.

I am sure ther is a long list of teenage grumpiness that happened before this, so I do feel your pain. Just consider that compromise needs to come from both sides and that this too shall pass.

DD said there was nothing she wanted nothing for her (12th) birthday so we agreed she could have a more expensive party than we would usually give her. Still gave her a new t-shirt, a few books so she had something to unwrap on the day. IL's took her to the theatre, DP's haven't given her anything yet as she still says there's nothing she wants right now.
Her group of friends have asked for:
hair accessories, nice shampoo, hair dye,
a mug,
a nice t-shirt
board game
book
vouchers either H&M, cinema, book

All seems a bit silly? She gave a list, people either choose (or don't) from provided list. If not, surely money is the answer and she can buy what she wants. Obviously get her a cake. All seems a bit of a drama over nothing, one not entirely fuelled just by her.