To just not buy dd (12) any birthday presents as she won’t tell me what she wants and the sulking is tedious?

[dameofdilemma]

I just give up.
Dd is already getting an iPhone for her birthday (not a new one) from us but we keep being asked by GPs, uncles etc what else she’d like. I know they’d like to give her something other than money.

You’d think we were asking dd to mine coal from pits or something with the sulking we’ve had to endure.

Dd is very much a teen having hit puberty properly in primary school. We have the full range of sulking, sneering, obsession with brands, deriding anything suggested by her parents as babyish or lame etc. So it’s difficult to just guess at gifts and she’ll probably reject them if she hasn’t asked for them.

Every suggestion we’ve made has been thrown back in our faces. When dd finally came up with a list which included £200+ of clothes and we said she needed to whittle it down she deleted the list from WhatsApp and said she wants nothing.

So that’s what she’ll get. I might not even be arsed to get a cake. I’ve just had enough of her turning home into a battleground 90% of the time.

How many more years before I can escape to a remote rural cottage?

You're sounding pretty irrational and drama-llama yourself. Can you not imagine how confusing and challenging it is to be a 12-year-old girl, especially now?

It's your responsibility as a parent to do your best to try to see she has a nice birthday. But it sounds like you see her teenage behaviour and raise the stakes with your own reactions. Poor girl.

If you'd like to try to improve things, rather than just blame her, have a look at this:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/How-Talk-Teens-will-Listen/dp/1853408573/ref=ascdff_1853408573/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=310834580283&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=17040599093252839690&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1006502&hvtargid=pla-493429129152&psc=1&mcid=4f7891c05a963f7fbc852a882920e995

OP you wanted a list, she gave a list. Of things yes, she really wanted. You told her to whittle it down. Why? Let the rellies decide what they get.

I should add though, we did go through what you're going through. Me getting increasingly annoyed she couldn't come up with something to placate the grandparents (and me!) with but then I realised that she was being more rational than I was. She doesn't want more "stuff" in her room, her friends are into fashion and make up and face masks but she's not. For her to say that she doesn't need or want anything is actually quite mature and responsible!

You do, however, need to make her a cake!

Hang on.. she gave you a list. If you have parameters eg. At least 2 items under £30 then you have to tell her them

Are you saying she's withdrawn the list so you no longer know of any of its contents, and she won't repeat it? That is annoying. She'll be happy with money. It's easy and she can't complain about cash being babyish or lame. You've already got her a phone, and your going to a concert. That plus a meal out in a 'grown up' restaurant of her choice. That sounds like a great birthday.

Just make the cake, wrap the presents and try to be kind.

yes but the answer to that is: don't be daft, that's a lot of clothes.

And she learns. Eventually.
Don't rise to it. If your family want to give her something, money is probably the best. Or are there still premium bonds available?

Don't give her anything then.
I wouldn't.

I've never understood nor understood how people afford to buy "everything" off a list?
Surely you pick what you can and buy that?

Why can't family give money.. If that's what she wants. She wants to choose.. What's wrong with 20 in a card??

That's her freedom of expression.

I think nagging for a list then criticising it is a bit much. It's her bday after all and she's obviously feeling anxiety around it.

What's wrong with taking her lead?

They would like to give something other than money...

OK well why not stick up for her and say she's at the age where she doesn't really want anything chosen for her?

Every suggestion we’ve made has been thrown back in our faces. When dd finally came up with a list which included £200+ of clothes and we said she needed to whittle it down she deleted the list from WhatsApp and said she wants nothing.

Why did you tell her to whittle her list down? Isn’t the point of a list so that relatives can choose an item off the list to get her? It’s not like a shopping list where you tick off every item…

Yabu. You're being pretty sulky yourself, you need to be the grown up here.

Buy her a few small surprises and a voucher for a shopping trip.

What do you want her long term memory of her birthday to be - the time her mum was better than her or the time her mum was even more moody than her?

Why is it wrong to tell her to whittle it down? Sure she shouldn’t expect to get everything on the list? It was to give her parents an idea! She’s being truculent, greedy and entitled. The parents just need to discuss with her which items are doable!

We do this a bit differently. If x gives a value of £20 y gives a value of £15 etc we would tell the kids that they need to come up with a present idea and a link to the present for each person asking.

Why can't she just have money if that's what she wants? I don't get the issue and why she has to have gifts she doesn't want. I'd probably be pissed off and over it if someone was going on at me over making a list and when I made it went on at me again to alter it. Could people just not pick the odd item off the list?
I'm sure she is a mardy arse preteen, but honestly, I kind of see her point on this one.

She shouldn't expect to get everything on the list

But she's been asked to provide a list for multiple relatives who might have different budgets

So she has provided a range of items that they can choose from

There's nothing wrong with that, it's a perfectly normal thing to do when asked to provide a list of items you might like as presents

She didn’t expect to get everything on the list!
How is she acting greedy and entitled when her mum told her to write a list?
How do the parents even know which items are doable or not? They don’t know the budgets of all the grandparents and uncles/aunties and so on!

So your child is behaving like a spoiled brat but you are getting her a. iPhone ! There's the problem

So from my understanding you don't have the list as she got annoyed and deleted it? I can appreciate your frustration when you are trying to find out what she would like. It's difficult when they are this age as gone are the times you can surprise them because who knows what they like now 🙈 You mentioned a relative is getting the I phone . Could you find out which one and get some accessories? A case etc, normal or novelty charger, some headphones?

I'm sure your daughter will be over the moon with anything you get and will love spending the day with you. It's overwhelming at this age and hormones are the worst. I think it's difficult for them to know what to do with all of the feelings. They take it out on parents the most because we are a safe place for them (that's what I tell myself when my DD has a meltdown). I hope you find some ideas and get a list soon. Hopefully it's in her deleted messages :)

I think you need to nip this behaviour in the bud quickly, she sounds really spoiled. An iPhone plus a concert is a very generous gift for a 12 year old. And saying she will “reject” gifts if they aren’t what she’s asked for. I wouldn’t let my child behave this way, the iPhone would be put on hold until her attitude improves.

Exactly! It means that she gets something she wants, but doesn't know which, so it's still a surprise! I don't blame her for being upset!

@dameofdilemma is there anything going on at school? At that age girls (in particular) are trying to find their tribe. Maybe she’s trying to fit into a particular group with the reference to designer items. And there’s always a kid in the class that seems to have everything. They see stuff on SM, follow spoilt kid type accounts and when you are that age, life is all a bit ‘wanty’. Does she understand the value of money relative to the average person’s income? Maybe it’s a good time to start explaining how money, income, cost of living etc works. Then she might understand the value of £200.

And definitely make a cake!

YANBU
Don't get her any presents.
She'll learn the hard way if she plays stupid games, she'll win stupid prizes.

I think you sound really mean. You asked her to say what she wanted - so she wrote you a list. You could have selected a few items off the list for relatives etc to buy. Why didn’t you just do that?