To just not buy dd (12) any birthday presents as she won’t tell me what she wants and the sulking is tedious?

[dameofdilemma]

I just give up.
Dd is already getting an iPhone for her birthday (not a new one) from us but we keep being asked by GPs, uncles etc what else she’d like. I know they’d like to give her something other than money.

You’d think we were asking dd to mine coal from pits or something with the sulking we’ve had to endure.

Dd is very much a teen having hit puberty properly in primary school. We have the full range of sulking, sneering, obsession with brands, deriding anything suggested by her parents as babyish or lame etc. So it’s difficult to just guess at gifts and she’ll probably reject them if she hasn’t asked for them.

Every suggestion we’ve made has been thrown back in our faces. When dd finally came up with a list which included £200+ of clothes and we said she needed to whittle it down she deleted the list from WhatsApp and said she wants nothing.

So that’s what she’ll get. I might not even be arsed to get a cake. I’ve just had enough of her turning home into a battleground 90% of the time.

How many more years before I can escape to a remote rural cottage?

God, I remember that age! I used to get the most godawful tat from relatives and not only had to pretend to be grateful for it, but also had to wear the stuff when they visited or display it in pride of place. Things like tie-dye t-shirts with cringe-worthy logos, sequin trinket cases, fluffy hot water bottles or plastic dog figures (I've never particularly liked dogs).

Personally I think it's nice that they're asking and I'd tell them all that the thing your DD would like most of all is a surprise but, if they want a hint, she's into vintage/second-hand atm. A year of receiving moth-eaten cardigans and 90s Happy Meal toys will probably make her more grateful for your efforts to spare her this in the future.

Just let people give her money. It’s fun for them to spend and better than unwanted gifts.

You asked her for a list, she gave you a list and then you moaned about it anyway 🤷‍♀️

No wonder she's fed up.

I'd have said 'thanks sweetheart, I obviously can't afford everything on this list but I'll try and get you a few bits'

If you go looking for a battle you'll find a battle.

OP I'm wondering if, based on how she's being, the issue with the list is that she wanted everything on it and the idea of only getting some of it caused her to throw her toys out of the pram?

Its so hard being a teenager which she essentially is now. They have such intense feelings and no experience with how to regulate themselves. Surely you remember? Using language such as sulking sounds dismissive and she will pick up on that. You want her to feel able to share her feelings with you knowing that its safe to do so. She's only 12! You have a long way to go. Don't start these formative years with your relationship on these terms. Just accept that parenting a teenager is very different to parenting a younger child. They will hurt your feelings every day! They don't may not mean to but they will!
For goodness sake just let everyone put a little cash in a cute card..teens love cash and all things cute. Relatives will understand and maybe even be relieved.
Then take her shopping to spend it with her. Have some fun and connect and maybe start a birthday tradition for you both.
Agree with the previous poster.. lovebomb all the way

Grumpy teenagers need to know that you’ll love them, no matter what. So get her a cake, get her some of what was on her list, tell her and show her that you love her, even if she’s being sulky. And remember that you are the grown up in this relationship, so act like it.

Oh me too! One of the biggest embarrassments of my childhood was receiving some awful, cheap lingerie (!) when I was about 14 from my aunt and uncle. I have no idea what they were thinking. I opened it in front of my whole family, including my grandparents and instantly wanted to sink through the floor. I'd have loved money to go shopping with my friends, which was one of the things I liked doing best at that age, but also had family who insisted on presents. I always thanked everyone, but it was a bit crushing to open stuff I'd never, ever use.

OP, sooner or later your DD will become an independent adult, who won't ask you for anything. It may be in 6 years, 10 years or 20 years. I can't believe you question your 12 year old DD why she has a range of emotions she can't control?

That's your job to help her navigate her emotional needs when things don't go the way she expects and wants! Not to add more drama by ruining her birthday because you can't handle your own emotions!

Do you always dismiss her feelings the moment she shows any kind of negative emotions? Instead of talking with her, helping her navigate her own emotions and helping her understand that it's not the end of her life if she won't get X present on her birthday?

Do you really think you have a terrible DD only because at the moment in her mind she really wants X presents for her birthday? And in her mind her life and future will be ruined if she won't get it? It's actually her right to want X presents, especially because you asked what she wants. It's your right and duty to explain to her why she can't have all of them and help her get through it.

I was you two months ago.

I did get her a cake.

She did not get a hoodie that costs $145.

She did not get sweatpants that cost $120.

She got two final sale t shirts from the same store that cost $45 each (more than I would ever spend on t shirts for myself). She doesn’t like them and hasn’t worn them. I’m very annoyed and have told her she’s going to wear them under sweaters this winter even if they’re two sizes too small by then.

She got an allowance and monthly savings, as well as half a dozen sensibly priced skincare things she wanted. She uses those.

She’s not getting a phone yet.

She got and gracefully accepted whatever she was given from her grandparents.

They’re Jekyll and Hyde at this age. I don’t think they n ow if they’re coming or going. I try to bite my tongue as best I can.

When I'm asked for a list, I try to come up with at least a few options. More, if possible, to give people some choices and so it's not quite so obvious exactly what I'm getting.

Unless you know she would have made a scene or been obviously ungrateful when she didn't get everything from the list, I don't see a problem with a longer list than what was needed.

If she does have unreasonable expectations, then all you can do is explain why they're unreasonable. She must at least be polite and thank people for whatever they give her for her birthday. If she can't do that, then she doesn't deserve gifts this year. (But I don't see a problem with cash. It can go into a savings account, if nothing else.)

Time to back out of being the person who organises other people's presents. You've got her a phone, and you can tell everyone else you don't know what she wants, they can ask her themselves/get whatever they think/give her cash.
As for a cake, well she is your daughter and not to do a cake does seem churlish. You could make one or get something from the supermarket, doesn't need to be to order.

Its telling OP hasn't been back

She didn't want to make a list. You told her she had to. She gave you a list. You told her it wasn't good enough. So she gave up because she can't please you

I'm assuming the list was compromised of many items totalling £200 and not just one or two items?

Pass the list on and let people pick items that suit their budget

Exactly as we do with Amazon wish lists as adults

I think the poor girl thought she can have everything she wants. OP didn't tell her up front that she can have X presents equal X amount of money. Obviously, she's sulking now!

Imagine having a husband (even friends or relatives, etc.) who's telling you to make a wish list of presents you want for your birthday. You spend time to make the list and already imagine how excited you'll be to get all the presents! At the end, he's laughing at you and is telling you that you're out of your mind to want all the expensive presents from your wish list! When he didn't say upfront anything about the amount of money he wants to spend on it and actually expects you to guess it.

I would be fuming too if anyone would do it to me. But, because I'm an adult, I wouldn't make a scene. I would understand it's a miscommunication about the amount of money, fault of both parties and I would change my wish list based on money. Although I wouldn't appreciate if anyone would make fun of my wish list.

But, OP daughter is only 12 years old! She's not responsible for not thinking upfront like an adult and asking about the amount of money!

YABU. Sometimes people send lists as ideas of what they would like. Doesn't mean they expect it all. Also, she's 12 and did what you asked her to do. So even if she did think that...she's 12! Just get her a few things on the list and suggest the least expensive things to relatives. Or just go the money route. Receiving money as a present at around that age is normal in my family, as they can be difficult to buy for.

Just pick a few items off the list and get her that. She sounds a very spoilt child. You made the mistake of asking if she wants vouchers. If you know she can get items off her list with the vouchers you should just have got her those then leave her to get the things herself. Shopping for stuff herself is fun for a teen. Still get her the cake.

You've been more immature about this than she has. You obviously resented the fact she didn't like your original suggestions and it went downhill from there. You need to be the adult in this situation instead of regressing all the way back to being a five year old. No wonder she's acting like this, you're creating all the situations and blaming them on her.

You should know what your own child likes already, and if you can't be bothered to even pick a few things off a list she's given you then I have no idea what would actually be good enough for you. In fact, you don't even need to pick the things yourself, you just send it to family members.

As others have said, I have no idea what was wrong with a list - you just choose one or two things from it depending on what people might usually spend and send those particular ideas across.
You’ve made this harder than it needed to be and are forming a battle that doesn’t need to be had.

Hold the rope!

gretchenschmelzer.com/blog-1/2015/6/23/parent-corner-the-letter-your-teenager-cant-write-you

Give her money. Let her spend it how she wants. If you asked her for a list, she did and you said it was too long, instead of picking something from it ... Not surprised she had a strop. They have to be helped though this crappy phase, not resented for it.

But she wrote a list like you asked? You sound very critical of her.

Ds 13 has asked for money for the last few years. I don't have a problem with that.

You asked for a list, she gave you a list, you didn’t like the list. She’s going to feel like she can’t win. I’m assuming it’s her 13th birthday rather than her turning 12 - teenage is a big deal in our house, don’t spoil her turning teenage by acting like one yourself.

My DD in that situation would have felt embarrassed that she had misjudged the request and asked for too much. That might be where the deleting is coming from. It's not a very constructive way of dealing with the situation - it's very all or nothing - but then you yourself OP have pivoted from "it would be nice to get her something other than money" to "I don't know if I'll even bother with a cake" so maybe she is learning these responses from you.

I was thinking about this overnight. I remember when i first got married (over 40 years ago) and we had our first christmas and i got one thing he knew i wanted (overjoyed) and then a load of stuff because... no idea but nothing i would have chosen.

It disappointed me, because while i like a surprise i like to get things i will use. So the next year i gave him a long list (what can i say? i like lots of things) to pick from. Range of prices etc. He just looked at it and said "I'm not buying all that" so i had to explain that i don't expect everything off the list, but what i get, i would like it to come from that list because then i know i will use it. The advent of the internet and sending actual links has been wonderful.

OP and DD need to chill a bit and use that type of arrangement. Not to give her a cake is mean.

That's horrible. She's still a child but the OP is also behaving like one.

Money actually does work. Just buy her a couple of tiny presents, whatever she likes, a couple of beauty bits or similar.