To just not buy dd (12) any birthday presents as she won’t tell me what she wants and the sulking is tedious?

[dameofdilemma]

I just give up.
Dd is already getting an iPhone for her birthday (not a new one) from us but we keep being asked by GPs, uncles etc what else she’d like. I know they’d like to give her something other than money.

You’d think we were asking dd to mine coal from pits or something with the sulking we’ve had to endure.

Dd is very much a teen having hit puberty properly in primary school. We have the full range of sulking, sneering, obsession with brands, deriding anything suggested by her parents as babyish or lame etc. So it’s difficult to just guess at gifts and she’ll probably reject them if she hasn’t asked for them.

Every suggestion we’ve made has been thrown back in our faces. When dd finally came up with a list which included £200+ of clothes and we said she needed to whittle it down she deleted the list from WhatsApp and said she wants nothing.

So that’s what she’ll get. I might not even be arsed to get a cake. I’ve just had enough of her turning home into a battleground 90% of the time.

How many more years before I can escape to a remote rural cottage?

But talk to her about being pleasant, that you won't accept anything less.

At that age one of my DNs produced a Christmas list with 179 items ranging from scented gel pens to a swimming pool and a trip to Disney. I actually found it really useful as providing some insight into what she was thinking (though we never got to the bottom of why she wanted a long cloak) but it was intended as a guide rather than as a prescriptive shopping list.

Why did you tell her to whittle down the list? Just let people choose from the list, it gives them some choice.

When she said she wanted everything on the list maybe she meant she couldn’t choose which ones to remove from the list. I’m sure she would have still liked some of the items.

You take the list and choose things off it, obviously. Your behaviour isn’t great either OP. She can’t win can she.

My teenager was a teenager before hitting 13. From about 11 to 14 she was awful.

I'd suggest money from relatives, she can then get what she wants.

Offer to take her to a large shopping centre (meadow hall / Trafford centre) with a few of her mates. Let them wander off and shop on their own. This went down a storm with mine, and I got to sit and drink coffee in a cafe in my own for a few hours

Money is the best present at that age.

You asked her for a list she wrote a list. Not her fault you didn't like what was in it.

Tell the relatives to buy her money.

I’d have picked a few things off the list and passed it on-that’s the point of a list. Of course she wanted everything on the list-that’s the whole point of the list!

Pick your battles. The list was fine. Tbh I would tell the relatives that money or vouchers would be ideal. That's what all teenagers want. They can then go and have the shopping experience and treat themselves to exactly what they would like.

Ask the grandparents, etc, to ask her instead if you.

Neither of my kids ever know what they want. DD (15) is equally teenage bratty, brand conscious and fashionably bored with life. DS (12) has his birthday a couple of weeks after Christmas, struggles to think of anything for Christmas let alone birthday, and isn't really a materialistic kid so doesn't come us with lists.

If I ask them what GPs can get them, they will claim they haven't a clue. If their nan asks them they will often think of a couple of ideas that are reasonably priced. Usually video games that I'll then source the Amazon link for or buy on their behalf. Nan always asks me first in case I have already got them something they have thought of, and if that's the case Nan might buy the item off me to save them the stress of going through the whole exercise again.

For aunts and uncles, it's usually Xbox/New Look vouchers (DD) or Nintendo vouchers (DS).

YABU. Your sulking sounds tedious. I might not even be arsed to get a cake! She gave you a list & you still complained about it.

Wasn't the list meant to give people ideas about what else to get her if they feel they absolutely have to? If anything, I'd prefer getting a longer list with various options to choose from. I also agree with people saying you should pick your battles. This whole situation isn't worth it, let it go and get her a cake or make a smartshow 3d birthday video or whatever else you had planned, because it's a silly fight over nothing after all. I guarantee you won't be happy you held onto that grudge.

You won't teach her good behaviour by not giving her a birthday cake as punishment.

Stop treating her like a Princess 👑! Give her vouchers and move on. An iPhone is already a big present!

Exactly.
Also do people really have zero ideas themselves what to get their kids?

‘He’s very into designer labels’.

Then the sooner she ditches him, the better.

Money.

Yes to the cake - nothing childish.

Birthday has been and gone probably since this is an old thread.

I mean, sure, get her nothing. But also remember that kids have long memories, and traumatising your 12yo (don't you remember being 12/13?) won't be great for the long-term happy future relationship you'll be hoping for.

Yes, there has to be some consequences for behaviour, but ruining her birthday isn't the one. 12 year old girls during puberty are snooty little shits, but it doesn't last forever. She's as angry and frustrated as you are.

when I was growing up, my mum and my auntie shared a house. so I lived with my cousin (it was all a bit Practical Magic, especially as my family are quite Witchy)

I still remember the difference between my Christmas list and my cousins.

mine was a list of things I'd like to get, but didn't expect to get everything. it was a list of things people could choose from, so it was still a surprise. it was a list of things I would like, but wasn't expecting to necessarily get. the givers were going to choose what they wanted to get me and the list was to give ideas.

had a few people comment on how long and "materialistic" my list was. the difference was, my cousin would get EVERYTHING on her list. it was shorter. not by much, but there was very much the expectation of "I'm getting ALL these things"

My 11yo is like this. She wants “Nothing-guh” 🙄 because I said she couldn’t have a white fox tracksuit because they don’t come in her size (she’s tiny). Also I’m not paying £120 for what looks like a prison issue tracksuit.

I called her bluff and said “Nothing? That works for me!”. She slowly stared asking for things as if she’d never said she wants “Nothing-guh”

The way I see it with parenting Preteens and teens is to align it with how you parent a toddler. Because they are so very toddler like, just more articulate. Ignore the tantrums, accept they’re highly unreasonable and pick your battles. She will come round, but don’t push it. And failing anything get people to give her money.

I also wouldn’t pander to the expensive taste. I’m trying to manage DD’s expectations in that she can have the odd expensive item of clothing but she also has to mostly wear Primark because I’m not made of money.

Toddlers and teens have a lot in common - both are experiencing a hormone surge that drives their physical and neurological development but are incredibly difficult for them to handle, so their behaviour can be challenging.

I think parents should have intensive training courses on every stage of development before being handed the baby!