‘Are you autistic?’ - AIBU?

[withintheworld]

I probably am but it surprises me how casually people ask this on here ‘are you ND / are you autistic?’ It always looks shockingly rude to me and am always taken aback when it is asked.

I am sure people will say I’m BU but I am interested to see if I’m the only one with this reaction!

It's not difficult to understand that it depends on the context and usage.

I've been asked if I'm autistic before in a genuine way, and it's started a very constructive conversation.

I've also been asked that question as an implied insult - while with a group of people - and it was incredibly satisfying to be able to say "Yes, are you?" and watch them crumble in front of their friends.

The point is that it's only used as an insult by the terminally ignorant. As such, I simply use it as another indicator that somebody likely has nothing useful to say and should be avoided. Taking offence from it only hurts me. On the other hand, there are ways to use it as a conversation starter - in the right context, and with the right attitude - to increase the awareness in the world.

And if that doesn't work, they'll at least know that the question means they're gonna get infodumped on and will probably avoid it in future.

What a bizarrely aggressive post! Autistic people are not a homogenous group, FFS — we are allowed to hold different opinions! I am autistic (as are most of my close family members) and I happen to think it’s none of anyone’s business whether I am or not, so I find the question rude. Is that OK?! And the ignorance I was referring to was the posts comparing autism to stupidity, implying we all have a certain type of face, etc… the usual shit I always see on threads about autism. I think you must have misinterpreted my post somehow as I can’t see any other justification for your frankly batshit levels of anger, nor for your incorrect assumption that I’m NT because I don’t want people asking me personal questions!

@CowboyJoanna amazing insight 💩

As with anything, it's how you say it, not what is said.

It is sometimes intended as a sly stab by the people asking it, and the intention is to devalue/ negate what a person is saying.

If I say something a bit strange and someone goes 'errrr are you autistic or something?' - of course that's offensive.

The intention is to negate what I am saying and imply that I have a disability.

It's contextual of course and it's often the undercurrent in the comment that is offensive, both to autistic people generally, and to the person it is said to, regardless of whether or not they actually have autism.

Plenty of us who have stated that we have autism have said very clearly that we wouldn’t find such a direct question remotely rude.

@BargainaciousBargains This is also about people who don't have autism though.

Depending on the context, I'd find it rude if I said something and someone queried if I had autism. It's none of their business either way.

Why would you find it rude, unless you believe that autism is a bad thing? That's a genuine question, by the way.

You could simply treat it as them being factually wrong - as people are about many things, every day - and move on from it accordingly.

Because in certain contexts it is asked as an implied insult/ to negate the value in what someone is saying.

Person A: (Makes a comment )
Person B: "Err are you autistic or something??"

Obviously, that is insulting to person A, whether or not they have autism, because of the intention behind the comment.

It's person B who is being offensive to people with autism in that context, not person A for being offended.

As an autistic person, I'd be pretty offended by both people in that context.

Why - genuine question, what has person A done wrong?

I'm autistic and I'd never come out and say 'Are you autistic?' Or even hint at it. It's hard though, I am very good at spotting it (through personal and professional experience) and even harder when I interact with parents who are in denial about their children's neurodiversity. I always always keep schtum as it isn't my place but it's like fighting back a klaxon.

Some parents know about my autism and my past career and if they ask me for advice I will give it, but I'm very very careful with what I say.

So not YANBU to be pissed off. Neurotypical people can be just as bad at communicating as us autistics!

Treating it as something to be offended by. In accepting that it's something that can be used as a valid insult, it's perpetuating the bullshit that we have to deal with on a daily basis - person A is as much a part of the problem as person B.

I wouldn't ask anyone in rl as I think that would be rude (same as I wouldn't ask if they MH difficulties or diabetes or whatever) but I would ask on here as most of us are anonymous so it does t seem as rude.

You'd be offended by person B...

And offended by person A... why? Because they were offended by person B?

This doesn't make sense if you'd have been offended yourself.

I can’t make sense of what person A has done wrong either!

OK, let's try it a different way.

Imagine if somebody asks you if you're gay, in a public place, and you react horrified and offended. Do you think the people around you would appreciate your reaction?

Do you think gay people might appreciate your reaction? Do you think it'd be socially-acceptable to react that way?

I've seen all of the IT Crowd, so probably, but I don't recall it specifically. Maybe I need to watch it again!

It's the same thing.

Person A: (makes a comment)
Person B: Err are you gay or what?

Person A has every right to be offended, regardless of whether they are gay, because person B is being a bigotted twat.

In a different context...

Person A: I'm going to see my partner tonight, they're taking me out for dinner, we're both gonna wear our best suits.
Person B: Oh, are you gay?

Of course it would then be a bit weird if person A was offended, although it's still a slightly intrusive question.

It's entirely contextual and depends on the intent of person B.

You also said you'd be offended by person B... so how can you be offended by person A being offended? 😕

It's not relevant whether it's seen as a bad thing or not. What's relevant is that the person being asked has a right not to divulge personal information if they don't want to and should not be put in the position where they might have to lie.

It is also though largely said when someone does something other people don't understand so the question is generally negative. I've never had "oh, you think so differently to me, that's amazing, it's really interesting, maybe you're autistic, that would be great".

It's always in the context of "I don't know why you don't understand something very obvious to me, there's something wrong with you, you must be autistic ".

In polite conversation IRL I would never ask such a thing. But when someone has come to MN and bared their soul, it's not out of line to ask personal questions in order to help them. They can always decline to answer.

I'm autistic. I think it is rude to ask, yes. The only format on MN in which I find it acceptable is along the lines of "Hey OP, it sounds like you're battling with x,y or z - are there any neurodiversities at play here?" And this is not something I've come across irl - if it's relevant I often have to tell people outright that I am autistic / AuDHD. No one in my world is going around asking if people are this or that, in the same way that no one would say, "Hey, are you gay?". It's not shameful but it may be private to that person.

Have an autistic DS and before diagnosis one teacher very bluntly asked is he autistic and we were annoyed by it at the time - it was more the tone of it being very rude and her dismissive attitude rather than any implication of the question

To me I wouldn't find it rude if someone said it to me, but I would find it hard to answer honestly because I do think it's possible I might be autistic, but I don't have a diagnosis so the truthful answer is "I don't know." The "Have you considered...?" version of the question would get a resounding yes.