‘Are you autistic?’ - AIBU?

[withintheworld]

I probably am but it surprises me how casually people ask this on here ‘are you ND / are you autistic?’ It always looks shockingly rude to me and am always taken aback when it is asked.

I am sure people will say I’m BU but I am interested to see if I’m the only one with this reaction!

That’s not how it’s used on here. I agree the question is overused, but it’s usually posed in a way to ask an OP to consider if the behaviour they’re describing could be attributed to autism.

I’m not saying it’s right, but it definitely isn’t used to suggest that someone is stupid.

What?!

No it isn't.

I'm autistic. DC autistic.

We're all incredibly smart.

In fact all of the smartest people I know are autistic.

I'd ask if someone was autistic if they were (like myself/DC) on paper smarter than most of their friends and yet finding elements of life hard they feel others don't and beating themselves up for it.

I will admit it's MUCH easier to ask the question under the anonymity of the internet.

I have a colleague who is (to me) VERY clearly autistic, but in the real world it is not my place to ask/tell her that.

But anytime I ask if someone is ND there is zero negative connotations attached.

In the same way that Alzheimer’s isn’t a learning difficulty.

How awfully ableist. Autistic people are not stupid.

That says more about you. Bring autistic is not the same as being stupid. Sometimes when a poster is writing things that sound a little dogmatic or one sided or rigid rather than launching into telling them that they are wrong or an arse it is worth checking first if they are ASD as that can explain the specific manner of communication.

What a depressing thread.

I think I may have asked this on a post. We were discussing the child who was suspected ND based on the flow of chat and input from other parents of ND children.

I have an ND child. Before I learnt so much about autism I would have agreed. Now, no way. Autism is absolutely not what people think. Yes, I understand that for a proportion there are additional disabilities alongside it which makes it something one may see as potentially insulting.

I'm not Autistic, so I am conscious it is patronising to comment on how it is for Autistic people. I do apologise and will again in this post for assuming to know how it is.

I look at all these amazing Autistic people coming to the forefront who I absolutely see as having accomplished so much more than the average, no way could you say asking someone about being Autistic in this context is offensive. I do appreciate that being Autistic is different for every individual. I think of the gorgeous and talented Paddy Considine, Anthony Hopkins and many more.

I am quite certain Eminem would be diagnosed now if assessed; he references himself as Asperger's in one song ( I appreciate this is highly offensive and no longer used). I believe Kurt Cobain would be diagnosed Autistic based on the multitude of documentaries and podcasts I've watched. Courtney Love is diagnosed Autistic. These are highly accomplished people.

I think the problem lies in the lack of awareness and understanding. I feel things are slowly changing.

I'm autistic and not ashamed of it but I still keep it hidden from most people. It's because you can have bad reactions and stupid comments from people when they know you are autistic and I just can't be bothered with that.

I wouldn't really care on an anonymous site like this though, although people feel free to openly hate autistic people or tell you it's the latest fad when they would have to be a bit more polite face to face.

I was asked once by a mn group. I was so sad. It showed me I came across in a way I didn't like nor want, so I thought about it and tried to change.
I think often it's just rude, sometimes it's meant well.

It's about context though.

If someone's written a post where there are a few things that could indicate that they're blind, and whether or not they're blind would be relevant to the response you gave, it might be quite reasonable to include the question, "Are you blind?" Like maybe they're asking a question about somewhere they're planning to go, and you happen to know that there's a facility provided that could be useful to someone who's blind. Tentatively probing about eye tests would just be weird.

Obviously a difference between being autistic and being blind is that while people will almost always know about it if they're blind, people can be autistic and not know it. So there are those awkward cases where it could be relevant and helpful to know whether someone is autistic, but they themselves might not know or even suspect it — those might be the ones where you'd make gentle suggestions. But if someone's post has elements that give you the strong impression that they already know or suspect they're autistic, but they just don't happen to have explicitly said so in their post, then just asking "Are you autistic?" might be more appropriate.

I had a manager ask me it, and if I had any friends. Yes, thank you. I bloody well, do!

That's ableist.

Some of the most intelligent people in history have been autistic so to compare it to being called stupid is, in itself, stupid.

To answer the op - it completely depends on the context. If someone is being rude or harsh, someone may stereotype that as autism. Of course, being rude or excessively harsh is often unacceptable whoever is saying it, and asking if that person is autistic is unnecessary. If we’re talking in a context of MN, sometimes a person will give enough snippets of information to make the question acceptable - ‘I’m highly anxious, I find being out of my stern day to day routine (to go to a social event for example) too much, my children are autistic and I’m finding myself having a lot of sensory overload around them…’, a collective of information might raise that question. It’s one of those things that’s easier to ask on a chat forum than to someone’s face!

And no, autism is a social/communication disability not a learning one. I’m of the personal opinion that it’s ADHD that can cause an LD as a co-morbidity due to the brain severely over processing itself but that’s an entirely different discussion.

meant to say, no, not autistic, I do have 'quirks' but nothing that ever flagged up and as I'm in my late 50s it's not something that matters now.

Wrong on so many fronts.

Learning/Intellectual Disability = IQ below 70. May or may not be comorbid (exist alongside) with Autism.

Autism = Autism. May have an IQ putting you into the definition of having an ID... may have an IQ putting you into the realms of Mensa membership... may have an IQ putting you in the realms of completely average and with no clue where you left your car keys.

I'm not Autistic, so I am conscious it is patronising to comment on how it is for Autistic people. I do apologise and will again in this post for assuming to know how it is.

I look at all these amazing Autistic people coming to the forefront who I absolutely see as having accomplished so much more than the average, no way could you say asking someone about being Autistic in this context is offensive. I do appreciate that being Autistic is different for every individual. I think of the gorgeous and talented Paddy Considine, Anthony Hopkins and many more.

Yes, it is patronising. It's a bit like Greta and her superpower but at least she is autistic and talking about her own experience.

There are a tiny proportion of autistic people who accomplish as much as the likes of Anthony Hopkins. Many get along day to day and then there are people like me who kind of manages most of the time but have days like today when I am physically shaking with anxiety at the thought of going to pick up a supermarket order. There are also people who are severely disabled by autism.

I’m sorry you had that experience, and found it upsetting. I admit I do tend to classify certain behaviours that I find difficult to navigate in an ‘I wonder’ kind of way. I don’t think I’ve ever asked. Just rephrased what I was saying with that in mind, in case neurodiversity was influencing the miscommunication.

Nope, as someone with Autism, I much prefer being asked a direct question rather than couching things in vague terms and risk losing all the meaning. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t take it as an insult as most of the people I love are, and they are all very intelligent.

That is odd. If someone asked if I was autistic I’d say ‘no’ or ‘I don’t think so’.

I wouldn’t feel sad and think I come across in an unlikeable way, because I don’t have that opinion of autistic people.

To me it says that your responses aren't what the person asking considers "normal" ergo you must be autistic as that is the only explanation for the difference. To me that is rude.

Then again, I think any personal questions are rude if you don't know the person eg asking a person in a wheelchair what happened to them etc. It's rude and prying and none and of your business.

I think it depends on the context and intention over how - or why - it is asked? I see neurodiversity as a different way the brain works to neurotypical as a factual thing in the sense of it's just another part of us that makes us different or the same. So like age/gender/job/location, etc. I do understand why people could be unsettled by the question or find it rude (especially if someone noticed something about them that the person hasn't explored yet) but as well, as a ND person myself, I think it's good if we can see it as normal for people to wonder it on the road to acceptance of those of us wired differently. So just a layer of who we are, not something to be ashamed of.

@Gingerkittykat I hear you, you're right. I don't know enough about the statistics but understand that for so many there are a great deal of struggles. Every Autistic person is entirely different so it's not right to generalise; yet we do.

I think the point I was trying to make is more about it being offensive or that because someone is Autistic they are automatically defective or less than - which they are not.

As other posters have said, context is important along with tone, delivery and intent when asking that question.

On MN ND or mental illness is seen as an added extra, like a bag charm.

‘’As ‘e got mental health?!?’

Wtf?? It’s the same as saying are you stupid??? As an Autistic adult and the mother of an autistic child I find this comment very rude.

Asking someone if they are autistic is not offensive and if you think it is then you must see being Autistic as offensive and “less than” being neurotypical.