‘Are you autistic?’ - AIBU?

[withintheworld]

I probably am but it surprises me how casually people ask this on here ‘are you ND / are you autistic?’ It always looks shockingly rude to me and am always taken aback when it is asked.

I am sure people will say I’m BU but I am interested to see if I’m the only one with this reaction!

My child is autistic as I’ve said, she has speech delays, learning is slower than her peers, she has been repeatedly bullied by different children at school, called stupid on a regular basis by different children, called ugly, hit, threatened, including today. One repeat offender of bullying has told her today that he will throw a basketball at her head to make her brain damaged, pushed her and generally been horrible to her. Because she struggles with how to say things and to understand people at times, she probably would feel that if someone asked her if she was autistic that they would be thinking and meaning that she is stupid, that doesn’t mean she is, but she may think that is a hidden meaning behind being asked

I fully get where you are coming from with your reply, I just meant some people with autism may see the question as a hidden insult, some may not, I’m very happy that you would not feel this way. I would hope anyone asking would not have any hidden meaning behind asking other than either curiosity as to if the person is, or concern that they may not have considered they are, and based on xyz the person asking has noticed something that could be autism related

It's not a learning disability.

People use it as an insult because it's a great insult. Topical, lots of things you can use it for, and it can really wind people up. People who use it as an insult tend not to be implying that the target has qualities generally associated with learning disability, though. Usually it's used to impute social incompetence, a tendency to overreact or go into meltdown, friendlessness, weirdness, etc. — things that tend to be associated, in the public consciousness, at least as much with autistic people who don't have learning disability as with those who do.

The other insult you mention is no longer a current medical term, so can't be compared in usage with "autistic", which can still be used in its clinical sense, as well as in broader non-pejorative general usage.

BTW I'm not sure how to interpret this aspect of your post, but I feel like you're hinting that a learning disability is pretty much the same thing as being "stupid". If you didn't mean that, then fair enough, but whatever you meant, I want to take the opportunity to say that in modern English, "stupid" is an insult and nothing else. It would be pretty shitty to think that it would naturally apply to people with learning disabilities, and it would also be pretty shitty to look down on someone for having low intelligence.

Took me a while to write that so I missed your follow-up @CowboyJoanna — learning disability is generally diagnosed when someone has cognitive difficulties resulting in a low score on intelligence tests. Usually an IQ below 70, IIRC, though it's not always that cut and dried.

It can get confusing because in the UK the phrase "learning difficulty" is often used for specific learning difficulties like dyslexia or dyscalculia, which people can have even if they perform normally in intelligence testing.

Thanks for answers. I think there is a big difference between ‘some of your replies are a bit direct OP - have you ever explored autism as a possibility?’ and ‘are you autistic?’

Oh. My. God. I can't believe this response, how hideous.

I'm autistic diagnosed (with ADHD, GAD, RSD, APD and PDA undiagnosed but if you're willing to pay, I'll jump through the hoops).
People are welcome to ask. I am entertained by it, I am not ashamed of who I am. I love it.
My autism isn't a 'learning disability'. My mensa-tested IQ is 156 and learning has never been a problem. It's people who cause any trouble - they are not honest, nor are they direct, and they think everyone else is just like them. No.

You'll spot the autistics by their clear, open faces and close focus on whatever they're doing. I like them.

There is a big difference, that's true — but one of the main types of people who are going to be asking this question is autistic people, and we're not always known for couching our questions in the most delicate of terms Even those autistic people who are good at adding the polite niceties might omit them if they think there's a good chance they're talking to another autistic person who may appreciate a direct question.

Only if you think autistic is stupid, Jesus wept.

The two are not the same.

I also think it is more rude to hint "do you think you could be autistic" and Id find that patronising if someone asked that about my child (because I am very fully aware they are). Unless the person in question has no clue and it never crossed their mind, then maybe?

I also would find it far more rude, and patronising, to be asked 'have you ever considered you could be autistic?'. It wouldn't bother me in the slightest if someone just asked outright.

I am autistic fwiw.

Perhaps it’s because many of the people who ask do so because they recognise the traits, since they are also autistic and often lacking in tact.

Is it because you haven’t got a diagnosis OP? People who are diagnosed might be less bothered.

What about neurodiverse? Is that considered ‘too blunt’ in the same way?

I think ‘Are you NT/ND?’, is becoming more frequently used. It’s quite useful as a sense check before leaping in with an opinion about why someone’s behaviour is unreasonable.

‘Is DH unreasonable for …?’

‘Is he ND or NT?’

That makes sense to me.

It's possible someone may feel it's more polite to ask the question straight, in a matter-of-fact way, like you might ask "Are you Swiss?" or "Are you retired?". There are many people who see autism as a difference that shouldn't have negative connotations (as well as those who do think of autism as a disability with negative aspects, but who don't see disability as a reflection on the person or as something that should be offensive to ask about). Being obviously delicate about the question might be seen as suggesting there's something inherently negative about being autistic, by implying it's a sensitive topic that must be carefully approached.

There's a lot of complex politics around this shit, though.

Nothing clear and open about DH’s face. He’s totally shuttered as his mind is fully elsewhere. DS however totally has that clear open look. And if he’s attempting to prevaricate he’ll have, ‘Don’t ask me that, I don’t want to tell you and I can’t lie!’, written all across his face.

Mine tends towards the blank and gormless TBH.

@CowboyJoanna

I am autistic and stupid.

Not all are both. Most are the total opposite.

It’s only rude if you consider it a bad thing.

I just don’t think it is as simple as this. There is nothing wrong with autism but equally it is a disability for a reason. And there’s a way of asking things. ‘Do you think it’s worth going for an eye test?’ is far politer than ‘are you blind?’

Yeah it's rude as fuck, intentionally so I'd imagine.

If it was said to me (Autistic), I'd say yes I am and say that I assume from their lack of tact that they too are on the spectrum.

If they said that they weren't I'd remark that even I am aware of how utterly rude that was so what was their excuse?

For the other posters, I don't consider my autism as negative in any way, quite the opposite. But this is still almost always an intentionally rude question.

No it isn’t, unless you equate being autistic with being stupid.

Yes , autism isn't a learning disability,but around half of autistic people have learning disabilities.My son is autistic and he is verbal,some disabilities are hidden.I think it's very disrespectful when people on Mumsnet come here and quote people "Are you stupid?" Or when they correct people's grammar/spelling.It's an insult to those who have disabilities.

YABU

I was assessed for autism myself when I was a teen, so I find your post rather insulting! Is it a bad thing to have autism or at least, like me, possible autistic traits? My DH was diagnosed at 4. Most people don't realise to speak to him, but I suspect that people that are less ignorant to autism can possibly recognise that he may have it. It doesn't affect him much at all really, or he is just really good at masking. His brain just works differently to a neuotypical one, but there's nothing that stands out.