45 is too old to have a baby and you’ll never have a brother or sister

[Tiredofwatchingliloandstitchnow]

Dd, 6, said to me a friend at school had asked how old I was and Dd said 45, the girl then said that was too old to have a baby so my Dd would never have a brother or sister.
Apparently they were talking about having a brother or sister when this girl asked this. Dd then said I had a brother and sister (her auntie & uncle obviously) and please could I have a baby brother for her.
We had almost ten years of infertility and losses before having her via ivf, this comment hurt so much, it was hard to hold back tears in front of her. We do in fact have a frozen embryo from my late 30’s so 45 possibly *Isnt too late.
Aibu to feel annoyed about what this girl said to her and to feel sad I likely won’t be able to give my Dd a baby brother?
Anyone else have an only and have they ever asked for siblings? If so, what do you say?

No point being annoyed at a small child. It wasn't meant to be hurtful from the sounds of it, just small children being quite open in their thoughts.

Do you want to try with your frozen embryo? It’s not too late if you want to as it goes by the age you were when the embryo was created and frozen not your age now
I can see why you feel sad but children say these things with no malicious intent

I don't know what 6 year old girl knows that 45 is too old to have a baby, that's quite strange. I have a 6 year old who doesn't know anything about the ideal age for children!

I understand why you're upset but you really need to just ignore it because the friend who said this to your daughter didn't mean it harmfully. There are plenty of happy only children in this world and I am sure many of them also asked for a younger sibling when they were little but are now older and don't mind as much. Obviously you can try with the frozen embryo if YOU really want a 2nd kid but it wasn't worth it just because of this child's comment.

Aibu to feel annoyed about what this girl said to her

Of course you can feel annoyed, but you have to keep it in perspective - this is a young child talking. Six year olds say unintentionally hurtful things all the time.

I do have an "only" (grown now) and I don't recall him ever asking about a sibling. We didn't want to have any more children so my situation was different from yours.

But honestly...I wouldn't focus too much on the idea that you won't be able to "give your daughter a baby brother". Kids might express a desire for a sibling but in reality a significant portion of them aren't thrilled when a baby arrives on the scene. It's an adult fantasy that siblings will always have a loving and close relationship and that older siblings will just adore their baby brother or sister. Doesn't always work out that way I'm afraid!

I get it. My DD went through a phase of pleading for a sibling (another child at school had a baby brother) and it upset me because she only asked me (never DH) and I would have liked another child but DH said he was done. So I had months of walking home from school with a wailing child when I said there wasn't any chance of a baby happening. I wouldn't have got away with a maybe as she would never let it go.
Every day after school she would ask...

She's just a kid. Would be a good opening to the conversation that not all mummies and daddies make a baby easily and some have to try for a long time and get help off of doctors.

Don't tr to have another baby and go through ivf to appease the opinions of a random kid.

What cured DD's baby mania was a friends toddler. She twigged at that point there might be a downside.

I don't know what 6 year old girl knows that 45 is too old to have a baby, that's quite strange

Adults often forget that kids are within earshot! I can easily see the child overhearing an adult conversation about being "too old to have more children".

I bet she’s been told that her mum, or someone else, is too old.

My niece went through long stage of pleading and begging her Mum for a sibling and SIL told her that she was too old to put a stop to it. For a while niece then told SIL “you’re older than X’s mum” or “you’re older than Aunt Y” every time someone else announced a pregnancy.

If you don't attempt ivf with your embryo you will always think what if imo.

YABU to be annoyed with the girl, it's understandable this has triggered you but you're projecting your hurt at the wrong person, she probably only half understood what she was saying.

YANBU to feel sad about having only one child. What's stopping you from trying with the embryo? It might not work but it would give you a definite ending that you can start to process.

That does make sense - kids can be so honest

@FrancescaBridgerton That’s what I thought! Was surprised when Dd asked me if I was too old, didn’t feel great as I already would’ve wanted her ideally at 30-35, not 40, but that’s my hang up I suppose. This girl has an older brother and her mum is 40, so I don’t know where she’s picked it up. Seemed odd to me that Dd was saying she wanted a brother or sister and this girl automatically asked how old I was, then said it was too old to have a baby

To an under 18 year old old particularly 6 45 is old so it doesn’t necessarily mean anyone has said anything she just thinks it

i an an only and went through stages of wanting an older brother (impossible)twin (equally impossible) and a sister but my mum was always honest (and more so as I got older about her reasons why) so I understand but there are advantages to it which I like bke

I’ll be 46 soon, it likely is too old, not the child’s fault I know, she’s just a child. Was just sad that Dd was told that and sad that she thinks of me as old now and that she won’t have a brother or sister. It caught me off guard when she said it, so glad I had my sunglasses on to hide my eyes!

This is definitely what happened. They have no concept of age, much less fertility lol

It's not the child's fault, she's obviously overheard a conversation about 45 being too old for another baby, perhaps even it was her mum explaining to her that she was too old to have another so she won't have any brothers or sisters, or an aunt etc.

Youre hurt by the comment because you have had fertility difficulties it won't have been the aim of the comment though.

Lots of children go through a sibling phase at that age as lots of their friends parents are pregnant, soon that want for what others have will change to stickers/POGs/ fidget spinners/ mobile phones/ sleepovers etc whatever the current trend is.

Get her some play dates with a friend who has a younger sibling, preferably one around toddler age, so not a cute baby and fully interfering in everything she wants to do. It completely cured my DC of wanting a baby.

Don't read too much into it. Kids say all sorts.

Most importantly, 45 isn't necessarily too old if you do want to try, but there's a HUGE amount to be said for being an only, and for being parents of an only.

Yeah, I second this.

I’m 45, and I have an only DD who’s 8. She asks about a sibling every so often, I just keep telling her I’m too old now. I try and explain we’re so happy to have her, but not everyone can have a sibling. It makes me sad every time she asks but I’m starting to find it easier.

Hugs

The reality of a sibling rarely lives up to the fantasy. In fact I’d go so far as to say that children don’t really know what having a sibling is all about, but it’s rare for siblings to have the wonderful close bond that parents dream about.

If you have another baby soon then your DD will be 7/8, so that’s quite a big age gap. By the time the child is old enough to be a sibling in the meaningful sense your DD will be heading for secondary, and a 3/4 year old will be nothing but an annoyance.

Of course it does happen that kids are close and love each other etc, but it’s not something you can depend on.

I have a friend whose older DD absolutely worshipped her little brother when he was born, even though there was an 8 year gap between them. Fast forward three years and she went to secondary and the relationship deteriorated to the point that now she’s seventeen she pretty much wants nothing to do with him.

I'm sorry about your struggles. I'd just tell her that families come in all shapes and sizes and in our family, it's just Mummy, Daddy and DD.

I have three kids and they still ask for more siblings, my daughter wants a chinchilla, they ask for all sorts. Don't read into it that you're depriving her of anything.

I have an only (also through ivf) and couldn't have anymore. Dd asked maybe once or twice when around and 3/4 but I told her that mummy's tummy didn't work properly and I couldn't have anymore. Now at 13 she regularly says she's glad she doesn't have a sibling. She loves her life as it is and the opportunities she has.

Your DC already thought you were old, any one older than about 23 seems old when you are young so don't worry about that, it is what it is.

Having an only can be a wonderful thing and now you've recovered from the shock of the comment it's no bad thing as using this as a stepping stone for introducing (if you haven't already) and talking around adolescence, sexual intercourse, menstruation, menopause in an age appropriate way, introducing her to the idea that children's body's change to become adults at X age, boys make sperm and girls release eggs, every month the girl release a new egg and if it meets a sperm it can make a baby and women start releasing less eggs from X age. It's these golden moments that mean you don't end up with a 12 year old that thinks there is something wrong with them when they get their period with no knowledge of it.

It's not really strange. She could have asked her Mum, Auntie, Gran if they'll have more babies and been told, "Oh no I'm 45 too old for babies"

She's obviously thinking about babies, maybe wants a sibling, just got a sibling or a new cousin or something.

Edit for Gran not Grand - BTW I remember asking for a younger sibling. Never got one.