45 is too old to have a baby and you’ll never have a brother or sister

[Tiredofwatchingliloandstitchnow]

Dd, 6, said to me a friend at school had asked how old I was and Dd said 45, the girl then said that was too old to have a baby so my Dd would never have a brother or sister.
Apparently they were talking about having a brother or sister when this girl asked this. Dd then said I had a brother and sister (her auntie & uncle obviously) and please could I have a baby brother for her.
We had almost ten years of infertility and losses before having her via ivf, this comment hurt so much, it was hard to hold back tears in front of her. We do in fact have a frozen embryo from my late 30’s so 45 possibly *Isnt too late.
Aibu to feel annoyed about what this girl said to her and to feel sad I likely won’t be able to give my Dd a baby brother?
Anyone else have an only and have they ever asked for siblings? If so, what do you say?

I’m surprised your 6 yo knows how old you are , I’m pretty certain neither of mine would have known that at 6 .

I think there's a few issues here.

1. Do you want another child knowing all you will have to go through to maybe make that possible? IVF stats are nowhere near as good as most believe and it sounds like you've had a really hard time
2. Or are you grieving what you know isn't in your future and having guilt associated with that?

If you don't want to try again, then it's time to mourn/grieve and move forward with confidence. Families come in all shapes and sizes and yours is a lovely family of three. Many families are.

If you want to try and know either way whether it's possible, then you have every right to. I wouldn't worry at all about the gap. Sure there are stories of siblings who aren't close, but honestly many of my friends in their 40's are closest with their biggest age gap sibling. I have a larger family and I would say that it's been interesting to watch. The middles are close, the oldest and youngest.

I have a friend who always wondered what if and had IVF with a frozen embryo at 46 and had a baby. A year later she did the last frozen embryo and had another baby. Her 10 year old suddenly had two younger siblings within quick succession. Roll on 5 years and that 10 year old is a doting 15 (almost 16) year old sibling with 5 and 4 year old siblings she absolutely adores.

You get to choose whether to try again as the grown up and the person who has to go through it. No decision is wrong.

I have an only(I am an only too). My only isn’t interested in siblings; he likes having me to himself and not having to share ( he sees his cousins having to act out to get some attention from their parents and always comments on that)

since mine was 4 he knew our ages as well as grandparents. He loves reminding us around our birthdays how old we are going to be 🤣

Don’t take it to heart! When I was a little girl my godfather got married at the ripe age of forty. I distinctly remember asking my mother why he was getting married when he was so old that he would die soon? He’s still alive at 93, and still married.

My toddler knows his birthday, our birthdays and how old we all are. It’s very important in his world.

I have directly said it to my 6 year old when she has asked for a sibling. 'I'm too old for that now.' I'm 47, I potentially could physically get pregnant as not yet in menopause but I certainly feel too old and I'm quite happy to tell her that and for her to know that age does come into it. If other people still feel young enough, more power to them. I don't think it's necessarily adults forgetting that kids are about and having an adult conversation. Why shouldn't kids have a round about idea that there are optimum ages for having kids?
I am sure if I still wanted more kids and was considering it, I'd feel a bit rankled by the girls comment but I wouldn't be annoyed at her for it. She's only saying what for most is true, she has no actual idea about the ins and outs of fertility etc. If Op has a frozen embryo and would still like another child then go for it. You only get one life so you might as well give your dreams a shot.

Yes, in fairness it is true that many/most women would struggle to get pregnant at 45, and I doubt she knows about IVF/embryo freezing making it more possible. So really she is simply stating a fact....

I don't think 45 is too old to have a baby, but the chances of being able to conceive one naturally at 45 are probably quite slim.

Many women wouldn't want to be pregnant at 45 physically possible or not.

@Tiredofwatchingliloandstitchnow you have to decide if you want to give that embryo a chance. Only you know why you continue to pay for storage.

One thing I will say is with a 6/7 year gap. Your kids are never really going to be at the same stages. Which is a challenge in its own right.

Must just be our family then , most of the time I don’t know how old I am 😀

I suspect that girl has asked her mother for a baby brother or sister and her mum said 'no I'm too old' then in her head that has gone to 'if my mum is too old everyone at that age is'

I'm 45 I would say I'm too old to have a baby, that doesn't mean other 45 year olds aren't, it's my life situation (4 children between 23 and 13) if I was still in young child mode I may feel different

Only you know if 45 is too old for you. I had my second at 45 (through IVF) and know a few women who had babies who were older than me. All happy, healthy children. It can be done and is increasingly common - whether you should do it, is up to you and your partner (and their age is also a consideration, obviously).

@MimiGC He’s the same age

Young children say what comes into their heads, they don't learn tact until later on.

You were not 45 when you had your daughter, op, so you're not that old by today's standards. Having brothers and sisters is not the be-all and end-all, many only children thrive socially. Also, your daughter will not be only 'only child' at her school, there are a lot about. I am so glad for you that you had her, it's marvellous. Think about it, people who are struggling to conceive (as you were), just want a baby - and you did it.

My parents were over forty (Mum 40.5, Dad 45), when I arrived, they had been married 18.5 years and had always wanted a child. Kids at my school used to make remarks about me having 'old' parents which I of course repeated to my mother; she was terribly hurt and offended (seemed to take it out on me too :-), so I know how you feel. It will pass.

I gave my daughter a longed for brother when she was 7 years and 3 months old after ivf/icsi and five years of infertility. Boy did they fight. They are close now.

DS had made comments about wanting a sibling, then one Christmas we gave one of his cousins a Lego set and DS and cousin were building it together. They had to leave it for dinner and by the time they came back to it the cousin's younger siblings had got their hands on it.

DS hasn't mentioned wanting a brother or sister since.

My honest opinion is yes 45 is to old to be starting again with a baby.
Your be parenting in to your 60s maybe longer.

My son also went through a 'wanting baby sibling phase', it was really sweet actually. However, he got over it and has been fine since. I/we intended to have two kids but, after one, various things intervened; we moved house, to somewhere much nicer than we had been living in, when son was four, going on five, and I had decided against it by then. My husband didn't mind, said it was up to me. I don't regret that decision and have enjoyed my son (still do).

I think it's all part of processing the cards you've been dealt. Infertility is awful, traumatic and unfair. Only time will allow you to fully accept what happened and the long term consequences.

There are SO many only children these days, like, the majority of my colleagues have one child intentionally. Your child will meet more and more only children through their life. This is one interaction with another child where they compared their lifestyles.

It's ok to be sad and grieve the situation, you'll feel more at peace as time goes on.

I am an only child and repeatedly asked my mum and dad for a sibling for years. I really wished I had one. I still secretly wish I had one. It didn't happen, for good reasons. But my 6-10 year old self didn't have the comprehension I have now. You just have to grin and bear it. Kids are very honest. They also pick up on conversations they're not meant to hear, that poor girl's mother may be struggling too.

So it's quite possible the little girl asked her own mother for a baby brother / sister and got the response that mum was too old - hence her thoughts that if 40 was too old, then 45 would definitely be too old .

I really don't like my brother or his wife. They are unkind to everyone and spiteful. They put me and my children down so we try and avoid seeing them except at Christmas which is to keep my mum happy not because I want to see them.
So I don't wish him any harm but my life would have been better without him in it being horrible to me. He is horrible to everyone not just me but that doesn't make it any better!
Siblings are not everything. As an only child I'm sure you can give her the world. Holidays, whatever clubs she wants to join etc.

I was my mother's surprise "menopause" baby and I have to say that I was very aware that my mum was much older than my friends' mothers. And yes, my parents were often mistaken for my grandparents which embarrassed me terribly as a child and teen😱Obviously I feel terrible about that now, but that's how I felt as a child.
😱
And truthfully my poor mother was exhausted! Dealing with a teen when you're pushing 60 shouldn't be minimized. And I know for a fact that she felt awkward around the other mothers because she was so much older.

Not passing any judgements, just my experience as a child of older parents.

Does the child have young parents?

I'm 44 and my grandson is 7 so he'd definitely think 44 is too old to have a baby as in his eyes his granny is old.

@VeterinaryCareAssistant Her mum is 40 and I’d say your situation is much more unusual tbh!