.... to be so upset about DS's 21st birthday

[Ladydriver110]

I am menopausal which is probably affecting how I feel about this but I am so upset and need to write it down to hopefully stop myself from going over and over it in my head.

I am an only child and a single parent to a DS who turned 21 today. I live half a mile from my mum who has given me a huge amount of support raising my DS right from birth. He's got a bedroom at her house and has always stayed there a lot. For the last couple of years he's stayed there most nights - he says it's because she has much better wifi for his gaming - but I think he also likes that she does everything for him (cooking, laundry etc) being the doting grandma that she is. DS is ND and almost certainly has ADHD so needs a lot of support and 'management'. He also has a tendency to be thoughtless and irresponsible so maybe my expectations are too high.

In preparation for DS's birthday I spent an enormous amount of time, thought, effort and money planning birthday gifts. I filled a bag with a combination of small bits (like toiletries), special things related to his special interests (some of which I had commissioned to be specially made), and a box containing a decent amount of cash, all lovingly wrapped. There was also a very large and extremely heavy unwrappable gift that wasn't going to be a surprise because DS had chosen it himself, really expecting that it would be his only gift because of its cost. I took the bag of wrapped gifts to my mum's house yesterday ready for us all to get together today, and I put it out of sight.

Present-unwrapping has always been a Big Thing in our small family. Even on Christmas Day, we'd wait for my DM to come over before opening our gifts. Generally we only do token gifts for adults, so events have always been centred around my DS. I was really looking forward to giving DS his surprise gifts, making sure that the best ones were saved for last, seeing his face when he opened the special ones, explaining why and how some of them were designed and made, wanting to see him excited and happy, and taking a few photos of it all. It was especially significant because I'd pushed the boat out for DS's special birthday, and it could well be the last one where there would be real substantial gifts.

DS went out last night and wasn't sure about when or if he'd be coming home. I thought that if he didn't come home, I'd go to my mum's for lunch as usual and take the final heavy gift with me. It appears that he stayed out and went directly to DM's house, with a friend in tow, some time this morning.

At noon I got a phone call from DS asking me if I was coming over for lunch soon. "Happy birthday" I said. "I'm on my way" I said. "Can't wait to see you open your prezzies" I said. "Already opened them" he said. "Nan said I could" he said. I thought he was having me on, but no. He really had opened everything without me being there. I was terribly upset and didn't believe that my mum would have okayed this at all - and I made this very clear to him.

I dragged the big gift down to the car and set off, only to see DS driving away in the opposite direction. He refused to acknowledge me when we passed. At DM's house I walked in and asked (quite angrily, I admit) if she'd told DS he could open his gifts. She responded equally angrily to say yes, what was she supposed to say - no? We had a short but rather loud exchange where I pointed out that I was only five minutes away and all I needed was a phone call, and she told me not to shout at her in her own home and to get out.

I don't think it was right for my DM to give DS my gifts, and it was more than thoughtless of both of them to sit around (with mum's partner and DS's friend), having a jolly time opening gifts and admiring the special ones without me. I am tremendously upset on two counts:

• after all my anticipation, I missed out on the joy and pleasure of watching my only child receive all the things I'd carefully planned and bought. I missed the whole essence of the birthday experience (DS wouldn't hang around afterwards, he doesn't do 'social', he'd be back in his room on his xbox minutes after gift time).
• my presence was so unimportant that I just wasn't missed. No-one cared enough to make a quick phone call. I feel so hurt.

AIBU?

I’ve voted you are NBU because that was incredibly shit of them both but your son sounds spoiled and mollycoddled and I fear for any future partner if the man won’t so much as make a cup of tea!

I understand why you’re upset but it all sounds very intense. Your mum might feel quite put upon by this point. I’d try and relax about it OP.

Oh dear what a shame you've raised a spoilt brat.

Mean comments?

Telling OP she's being unreasonable isn't being mean. Calling out her overreaction isn't being mean.

Certainly no worse than yelling at your son and calling him a liar on his birthday then going and having such a go at your mother that she has to ask you to leave her home!

Maybe it was for both of them. Him receiving things he wanted or liked and Op getting satisfaction of seeing him happily receiving. Should OP act like an anonymous donor of gifts to her son?

Op you are not BU. They were thoughtless towards you after you made so much efforts.

I'm not sure what's selfish, rude or spoilt about opening presents which have been left at the house tbh

Especially when OP hasn't even confirmed whether she communicated to her DM that the plan was she would come around so they could all open them together

His gifts were there. He opened them. He didn't get chance to thank OP because she accused him of lying and got arsey with him for daring to open his gifts without her being there to fawn over him and continue to explain over and over how she chose this gift just for him and got it arranged special and generally made it all about her

It's entirely probably than DS is tired of this performance gift opening, especially if OP is like this every time they have gifts, and so when he saw the (totally hidden in the corner of the room 😒) bag of gifts he thought she might finally have decided it was over. Or just that he could open them at his own leisure, enjoying his gifts without having to appease her desperate need for approval from them

He's your only DC and you went to so much effort to give him a good 21st birthday. I'd be really disappointed too. I'd also be annoyed with your Mum who should have said I'll just ring your Mum and open them when he gets here. I think this shows he's not grateful to you at all. I'd be only buying 1 gift in future. Another time just take his gifts over with you. It sounds like his Nan spoils him to death. He'd be better off learning to look after himself.

Getting someone gifts they like and smiling as they open them isn't the same as making a big deal about HOW the gifts were chosen and made and making it about you which is what OP was saying she wanted to do

If you just wanted them to be happy about their gifts then you wouldn't mind if you were there, you'd just be glad they liked them.

"Oh you've opened them already? What did you think?"

Not "why did you open them? Your nan would never allow that! I expected you to open them with me."

God bless any partner your son ever has. You sound very controlling of him. He is 21. Not a small child.

Imo if you’ve already dropped the gifts off, you’re not asking someone to wait for your arrival to unwrap them…

YABU. I may have missed this but was there an invite for DS and whoever else to come over for a birthday get together? It seems as though you went to your mum’s place for lunch but it sounds vague. You could have said, hey everyone, let’s meet up at midday at DM’s place and have lunch and open presents.

It sounds like very little communication happened except shouting and blaming from your end.

If you’ve dropped gifts off for someone then of course they’re likely to open them. Think it was unreasonable for you to have a go at him over it. It does sound like you’re infantalizing him too.

I don’t think so,( stop spoiling him but get him fibre BB , dial back a bit but £50 in next years pressie I am confused.) I would be charging him rent. Spoilt man such a lack of respect for you. Your mother has undermined you, as she must of given him the shopping bag to open. Let them stew about it, time you started to think of yourself. Get some HRT makes everything more manageable. Go away on retreat somewhere. Sorry you got hurt. Don’t apologise you have done nothing wrong. They both were in the wrong.

It seems to me that you feel unloved and unappreciated by him. He has had virtually a second mother op, I think it’s undermined the relationship with you somewhat. It’s impossible to change now, but it sounds like your dm did a huge amount of parenting. This is the consequence of that.

You are not shouting per se about the presents, really. It is the realisation he doesn’t care very much for you, he is getting his needs elsewhere. I would be heartbroken too.

I am agog that people think it's ok for somebody to open presents from another person when they aren't there.

It is extremely rude. Even a 5 year old would know that.

OP I am not surprised you are pissed off. Is it possible he got muddled and thought they were from his nan and she didn't correct him?

I understand why you are upset
YANBU

But I suspect that there is more to this than in the OP. There is more to why he stays at his grandmother's and why he didn't call you. There appears to be something going on here.

But I also have no idea why you took the presents to your mums house early?
So many presents also suggests you are trying to compensate for something...perhaps the reason he doesn't live with you.

If you wanted to ensure he'd open them in front of you, you should have brought them with, rather than left them at what is clearly his main residence. He'll get the big present later when you're there, surely?
You say he doesn't do 'social' so you watch him open his gifts, then 5 mins later he's glued to the Xbox again. Hardly worth getting tearful over missing that. He's 21. An adult. Does he work? I hope he's paying rent to his nan? And why does she cook for him and do his laundry?
He needs to grow up, but you need to let him.

*DS went out last night and wasn't sure about when or if he'd be coming home. I thought that if he didn't come home, I'd go to my mum's for lunch as usual and take the final heavy gift with me. It appears that he stayed out and went directly to DM's house, with a friend in tow, some time this morning.

At noon I got a phone call from DS asking me if I was coming over for lunch soon. "Happy birthday" I said. "I'm on my way" I said. "Can't wait to see you open your prezzies" I said*
That was your first 'happy birthday' to him?
You hadn't called or texted in the morning first? Or actually check where he was first and OK? (Yes aware he's an adult but still)
It does seem to be more about gift giving than 'happy birthday!'.

I can see why you are upset.
I would be most upset by your DS driving past you and not being overjoyed to see you and thank you for his gift.

I find two things odd:

• That you delivered gifts to his home and expected him to wait to open them. If so, you should have instructed your mother to leave them well hidden and that you want to see him open them.
• That you did not set up lunch at your place and leave the gifts there for him to open with you. You could have invited him to lunch and to light candles and open gifts. Your mother could have also visited.

Will you give him the large gift?
I would leave it at your place for him to collect. I would express that his behaviour was selfish, hurtful and rude.

He sounds very spoilt and indulged. Neither you or DM have done him any favours in letting him become like this. Has it always been a competition between you and her for favourite parent?

His previous reaction to present opening didn't give you any reason to expect that he'd appreciate the effort you'd put into selecting the gifts. It does sound like he saw an opportunity to avoid having to meet your expectations when opening the gifts and took it.

This is what 'a huge amount of support from birth' leads to. Blurred boundaries.

Your life evolves too much round your son. My children were both at uni for their 21sts. They went out with their friends. Of course we went up to see them and take them out near the time. Can you get some more interests of your own?

I'd be upset too

If this was a father being talked about in terms of the need to buy a lot of gifts, insisting that they be there for opening them etc people would be calling him a Disney parent, which is essentially what you’re being here..

Your son doesn’t live with you, and has chosen not to live with you, and sounds like you’re seeking validation as the better parent by going all out with gifts and gestures, and now you’re annoyed that you’re not getting the validation you clearly crave.

And your mother is likely annoyed that she has parented him for however long and now you’re swooping in with gestures and presents and getting annoyed when you’re not the one being haled a hero.

Exactly as if this was a woman and her husband. The setup is different in that the parental figure is the grandmother, but the situation is the same as if it was two parents who were separated.

Added to which he’s 21 and an adult. He’s well past the age where you can tell him what to do anyway, but if he’s been living with your mother rather than you then you lost that kind of authority years ago anyway.

I find it a bit strange that you left presents there with the idea that you would be there when he opens them yet your son has to ring you up to be like so are you coming over. What was he supposed to do wait indefinitely not knowing if you were coming. Did you not make any arrangements (however loose) with him in advance.
if presents are normally breakfast time and they were there how was he supposed to know that he was to wait.