To think this decision I made at 16 has ruined my life?

[SayItOnceAgain]

I'm currently nearly 30, for context. At 16 I was shy, but had a good group of friends and was well-liked amongst my peers. For some reason at 16 I decided I wanted a fresh start and to go to college rather than stay on at sixth form like nearly all of my classmates. All the adults in life say it would be the best thing for me, I'd grow in confidence and make lots of new friends. I went to college and it was awful. I didn't click with anyone, there were lots of mature students who had children or degrees and were retraining. I was a very young, naive 16 year old and couldn't form any friendships. I spent 2 years being so, so lonely. I'd spend lunch times hiding in the toilets or on the phone to my older sister in tears. I'd pray that I would fail my a-level exams so I had an excuse to drop out. It really impacted my self-esteem as it was the first time in my life having no friends. It led me to feel like nobody would ever want to be friends with me and I was destined to be a loner - and that became a self-fulfilling prophecy as at university and most jobs I've not made any friends.

In the meantime, everyone who stayed on at sixth form seemed to grow closer and form a big, close-knit friendship group. Fast forward to now and many of them have married or got engaged to each other within this group, there's now baby showers and bridal showers and housewarming parties. I feel so stunted compared to them. I have no friends, never been in a relationship. It felt like we were all on the same path until that decision to go to college. I've had so many years to make up for it and try catch up with them, but I just can't. I know I can't really blame it all on college, but it seemed like that was the start of things going down hill.

I am 28. I have one girlfriend I keep in touch with via text from middle school. She has a baby and I have a baby so we don’t talk often because we are both busy. I didn’t marry someone from school. I married a guy at one of my jobs I had after moving away from home. I am very happy with my life not having a bunch of friends to keep in touch with. I want to spend my time with the ones that matter most (my daughter, hubby, and mom). I also have social anxiety so I can understand having a hard time connecting with people because you over think everything. But you’ll find people who you get along with and it’ll be easy to talk with them. You just have to get out of your head. There are plenty of books that help and have great tips for anxiety. Amazon has a ton. I recommend checking them out. Try to start not giving a shit what people think about you. The people that matter won’t judge you and you will find someone like that eventually :)

Please read The Midnight Library by Matt Haig. It’s a game changer for anyone who regrets decisions they made when they were young.

For gawds sake don't rush into being a parent. You need to fix yourself first before you bring a kid into the world.

You've got to change your life, one way or another, be that gym, social, online, holiday groups, skiing etc. There are a million things you could do but moping about won't magically help.

Life is way more insular now. Online, not face to face. You need to break that and get up close with people.

You're not alone, there are millions like you.

I think this is what they call "grief" and it can be very disabling, especially if you are caught in the "what if" state and unable to move forward.

This is absolutely something that you can recover from but you need to find a sympathetic counsellor.

It would be good to look for a councillor who practices "compassion focussed counselling". That will really help.

What you did at 16 doesn't define you! It was 14 years ago.
That old friendship group sounds very claustrophobic and dare I say , boring. They need to spread their wings a little!
I speak to a few friends from school, but I made no life long friends, at college or uni. I had a pretty rubbish time at both to be honest. It pained me for a few years.
I now have friends from all walks of life.
You can make friends at any age 😊
I know it's easy to say, but you can make a change.
From tomorrow, stop looking to the past for answers and start looking to the future.
Smile and say hello to people. Be receptive and open. Do something new. Try to stop thinking about the past. Everyone has one , no-one can change it. Stop blaming it for where you are now. You have nothing to be ashamed off!

The future is in your hands.
I'm not sure if you like books but 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' is fantastic.
Good luck OP x

The decision you made at sixteen, has impacted your life. But, there's no point in crying over spilt milk. Stop looking back and focus on the future. What's done is done! Seek groups for self esteem, confidence. Even groups just to chit-chat, it's surprising how that can help. You're only thirty so you have lots of life ahead. I have gone through life with depression, shy, quiet, lacking confidence. I put myself down and I know I shouldn't. I have no friends just acquaintances and I can count them on one hand. I'm almost 66 and wish that I had a stronger personality. But, c'est la vie! Life is what you make it so go out there girl and grab life. x

Friends and acquaintances totally fall away over time, you're not alone there x

My (very local to me) hairdresser stayed in very close touch with her year group. She is a bit older than you, but just over the last couple of years, there’s definitely been a parting of the ways between the once solid group of friends.

some of the chat I overheard wasn’t nice, but she has definitely shed a number of them. People change even if their surroundings don’t.

don’t look back thinking fondly on what might have been as chances are it wouldn’t have or won’t be still in the future.

time to start making and living new memories! Get yourself out to hobbies and interests.

I would say that hindsight is a wonderful thing but like above how would you know for slcertain your life would have followed the same path as your friends.
I didn't meet my husband until 30, when I bought my first house. Now at 37 we have a lovely home, a beautiful baby and 3 rueful cats.
I know it may be hard but don't compare your life to others... reconnect with your friends and go from there.
There is always someone around the corner for everyone

It’s such an obvious thing to say but please get some therapy to help you work through all your feelings, including feeling frozen in time.

I’ll be honest and say that whilst the circumstance wasn’t ideal, as an adult you have had over a decade to change your life around if you really wanted to.

A friend of mine failed university and spent her whole 20s wallowing over it - she didn’t get her first entry job until she was 30 - despite alot of us friends trying to help her and put a word in. She admits that she is behind in her career , but the good news is that she has started again. She is making the most of it,

Like you said - it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy when you focus so much on a negative aspect in your life and arnt pushed to change something you hate so much.

You have the opportunity to start fresh now. Join clubs and make new friends. Get in touch with an old friend if you have to.

Im sorry your self esteem was knocked - that must be so difficult - but it’s really never too late if you put the effort in.

And comparison is the their of joy x

As someone who has moved cities and countries a few times and started friendships from scratch, I feel sorry for those who stayed in the same narrow social group throughout their lives. Have you considered that in the current global atmosphere, many move cities, jobs, universities, often around the world? I think it's fear that's holding you back. Thirty is very young. I started in a new part of the world at forty (not for the first time) and I would not change a thing. Have you considered a new job, a move, fresh air? If I were you though, I'd start with counselling. You can't keep blaming your 16-year-old self for your present condition.

Most women become mums. It doesn't have to be at the detriment of everything else. And not having any other achievements, interests, passions is quite strange and may set you up for failure. Try to enjoy life for what it is. Most men (and women) want a partner in life, not just someone to have children with. Kids only come a few years into a relationship. And they leave home one day. And there still are all those years in between which will be busy but are there to be enjoyed as well.

Please don't feel like that. I'm really sorry that things didn't work out at college and that you are clearly struggling in confidence and anxiety. However, decisions at 16 needn't define you!

Old friendships are well and good - but I think I'd find it really stifling never having moved on, as those have said before.

I think you need to have more trust in yourself and I really think that hypnosis or counselling would help. You just need to find your feet, your niche and then take baby steps. A new job, a new friend, a new group, a new hobby.

I'm a massive believer in fate.

I know that you've had it tough and I'm really sorry that you've suffered, but good things are ahead for you - never lose sight of that. Clearly you have a good relationship with your sister. Make sure that you are keeping an open line of communication with her. Don't bottle things up. It's always good to talk things through with someone.

You are so young. You will get through this.

I don’t want to minimise what you have experienced as it’s clearly been painful and traumatic but I honestly think you have dodged a bullet, although you may not yet realise this yet.

The friendship group you feel estranged from sounds incredibly stifling and incestuous and I think you are probably well rid of them.

Over time I think you will come to realise this.

The other thing that strikes me thinking about my own 20s is sometimes you will find yourself in a situation where you're friendless and without peers without it being a choice. It's a pretty common experience and it's not always possible to avoid it.

Hi OP, firstly sending you a big hug. I can relate, I moved away from the north east to the north west at 16/17 and thought it was the best option. I’m 28 and I have a few friends I’ve met along the way that I love but they already have their established circles of friends they met in school/college and I’m a side friend they met up with every so often. I don’t have a ‘circle’ of people really and that can feel quite lonely at time, especially with seeing everything on social media.

It’s something I’ve explored in counselling which has been really helpful and although uncomfortable at times, I’ve really actively worked hard to put myself out into the world, I joined a couple of local 20-30s social group and go to evening classes etc to try and meet people and although I haven’t formed any super close friendships within those circles, it definitely alleviated that lack of connection I was feeling.

I’d urge you to look into your local area for the same things, book clubs, run clubs, pottery classes, cooking classes etc. I was bowled over when I started looking at just how much there is out there and how many people attending those types of events are looking for exactly the same thing. It took me some time to realise I had to be the change I wanted to see, because I wasn’t going to find new friends in my own living room or in the frozen aisle of Aldi 😂 it gets less scary the more you do it! I strike up conversations with almost anyone now!

Good luck 💖

I did something similar - left my grammar school and went to local college, felt pretty miserable and lonely there, failed my A levels and ended up having to study for years whilst working instead of going to University. My old school group are still quite close whereas I moved away and lost touch. But do I feel regret? No, because I had other experiences later in life which worked out really well like travelling the world and moving to London. I didn’t end up with any university debt, still have a postgrad and built a decent career. My daughter is 14 and told me she wants to do the same thing and leave school at 16 for college - and I would be happy if she did. Coulda woulda shoulda - we don’t know if any decision we make is the right one until we try it. And then if we realise it’s a mistake we can try something else. I have gone down this line of thought myself but realised it’s not productive - we can only work with where we are now. So I would say don’t dwell on what could have been and instead concentrate on what you want now and in the future.

OP I was always very academic but also badly bullied, I stayed in friendships with people who didn’t deserve it and I didn’t see then how toxic they were and they’d make fun of me right to my face. I could cry thinking about it now and it was 20 years ago! My secondary school didn’t have a 6th form so we all went to the large college in the next town, and the bullying not only continued but people I hadn’t known at school joined in too. It was absolutely miserable I barely lasted a term. I worked in childcare for a while and then long story short over the next few years moved away/moved home and felt like a failure, didn’t have many friends, single, while all those I went to school with were still friends. Finally I went to university aged 22. I met my absolute best friend, he has been a constant in my life the last 9 years and I wouldn’t be without him. Life has a funny way of working itself out.

I was like you, only ever wanted to be a mum. My DH was my first proper boyfriend, aged 28. In a convoluted way, me dropping out of college put me on the path to uni a bit later where I met my best friend, and then meant I stayed in that city & went on Tinder and met my husband! I promise your life isn’t over and you’re not running out of time.

Just read your follow up about really wanting to be a mum. I was also the same at 30 and I hadn’t been in a relationship for 3 years, so I obsessed about finding “the one” and it was another 5 years before I met my partner, got married and had a baby. By that time I was 39. I am also shy so found dating hard and uncomfortable! (That’s probably something we all relate to!). Something that changed my perspective was I lost my mum to cancer around that time and I realised I was just waiting, waiting for it to be the right time, waiting for someone to find me, waiting for someone perfect. I think that “mistake” has made you fearful of trying new things and of making more mistakes. But if you don’t take the small steps, you won’t reach the bigger goal. CBT sounds good as will help with esteem and resilience. but I say take a few small risks, try dating more, get a hobby or two and go out into the world even if you don’t feel like it and you might be enjoying life so much more that a baby won’t feel like the ultimate solution but a lovely addition to a more fulfilling life.

I'm really grateful for the kindness and advice I've been given on here, which I didn't expect when I made this thread. I'm feeling motivated in trying to make a change in my life after reading your comments. I'm just not sure where to start? I feel like I'm effectively at rock bottom... I do at least have a job I enjoy, but I work from home in a very small team, although I could commute into my local office to be around more people?

Life doesn't wait around for you. Make a change. If you don't date you don't need anyone. If you don't socialise you won't meet anyone. You have to be out there for life to begin.

Absolutely go into the local office!
As someone who needs people around me to feel good, I can totally relate.

But your bit about working from home also put a new dimension to your original question.. I wonder if it could be that you are reflecting on the perceived SOCIAL life of your secondary school friends because of your lack of social interaction on a day to day basis.

If I can't go into the office on a weekly basis I go stirr crazy and have to get out of my house for the evening.

Some of my new hobbies, until I find a gym I like, include:

• walking around Tesco
• walking around Sainsbury's

-walking around Lidl.

• walking to the nearest train station to look at it
• go to a coffee shop for a tea to scroll audible for books I have no intention of listening to.

I have found a good group of people to hang out with online though through a shared interest and that may be a better alternative to scrolling through the bread section at Sainsbury's ?

I'm in my 50s now and all my school friends who married each other are now divorced! Even at 16 I knew what they were doing wouldn't last. You will meet someone and have a wonderful life. Look to the future not the past.

Sounds like you need some hobbies and to make some new friends!

Find a sport or club you want to go to, and try to make a big effort to get to know people, get stuck in, and let people there know that you've joined to try whatever the activity is and to make some new friends and expand your social circle. If they invite you to other stuff then go along!

Reach out to people you knew once, but wouldn't now class as friends (perhaps a few people from secondary school?), ask if they'd like to meet for coffee, or a picnic or something, have a chat about the fact you've been a bit lonely, but always enjoyed their company.