To think this decision I made at 16 has ruined my life?

[SayItOnceAgain]

I'm currently nearly 30, for context. At 16 I was shy, but had a good group of friends and was well-liked amongst my peers. For some reason at 16 I decided I wanted a fresh start and to go to college rather than stay on at sixth form like nearly all of my classmates. All the adults in life say it would be the best thing for me, I'd grow in confidence and make lots of new friends. I went to college and it was awful. I didn't click with anyone, there were lots of mature students who had children or degrees and were retraining. I was a very young, naive 16 year old and couldn't form any friendships. I spent 2 years being so, so lonely. I'd spend lunch times hiding in the toilets or on the phone to my older sister in tears. I'd pray that I would fail my a-level exams so I had an excuse to drop out. It really impacted my self-esteem as it was the first time in my life having no friends. It led me to feel like nobody would ever want to be friends with me and I was destined to be a loner - and that became a self-fulfilling prophecy as at university and most jobs I've not made any friends.

In the meantime, everyone who stayed on at sixth form seemed to grow closer and form a big, close-knit friendship group. Fast forward to now and many of them have married or got engaged to each other within this group, there's now baby showers and bridal showers and housewarming parties. I feel so stunted compared to them. I have no friends, never been in a relationship. It felt like we were all on the same path until that decision to go to college. I've had so many years to make up for it and try catch up with them, but I just can't. I know I can't really blame it all on college, but it seemed like that was the start of things going down hill.

Like you OP I can look back at points in my life and think what if I’d taken the other path. I too find it hard to make and keep friends and when I was younger I relied too much on ‘adults’ to guide me and it’s only as I’ve got older I realise that adults don’t always give the best advice or know everything.

If you want to make a big change why not go back to uni and do a post graduate degree in something you’re interested in and it will give you the opportunity to join groups and meet new people? Or pick a new career that gives you the opportunity to make friends at work? You can go onto it with the mindset of knowing you want to put yourself out there and meet new people.

Sometimes if your life is stuck a new challenge will change its direction.

I know this is easier said than done but you really need to find some help to work on your confidence and self esteem and stop blaming passed decisions for your life now. Counselling perhaps, or some CBT sessions? It is as it is and isn't going to get better unless you take some control of your future. I wish you luck and much happier times ahead.

Im so sorry you feel so very sad. I was the other way, was forced to stay at sixth form even though i hated the school
and had quite a few rough years with bullying there and ended up isolated in L6th and in a controlling relationship by the end of U6th. I have always wonder what would have happened of i had had the fresh start at college i really wanted.
i strongly echo the other posters who have suggested therapy and i do hope you are able to make and live the life you truly would like

If you can pluck up the courage to post a profile on a dating app then that could be a brilliant first step. You don't need to interact with anyone you don't feel totally comfortable with, and you can chat on line before you give out any information or meet. There are nice guys out there who also find all this hard, be really honest on your profile and if people swipe past then that's ok, it weeds out the image focussed idiots

Gosh, I thought you were going to say you went to prison for murder or something.

If you had a close group of friends why didn't you not stay in touch with them just because you were at a different school doesn't mean you couldn't have still spent time with them. Ultimately this decision will only ruin your life if you let it.

I stayed at school and I lost touch with all my school friends when I went to university - they took other paths. DD also stayed at school rather than go to a sixth form college (but because her school did the A level history she wanted to do, ninetenth century political history instead of yet more WWii). Most of her friends were met at university and at work, only one left from school and she lives in France. I think the mistake those who advised you made was not realising the difference between an FE college (all ages, as you found) and a sixth form college, which is all young people 16-18, where you would have been much more comfortable. However, that's water under the bridge. All your school friends have not moved on, but stuck within the group, but you have flown. Do not let your inability to make friends in an inappropriate environment stall you now. Find things you are interested in and join them - try to make them in the real world where you will meet real people, rather than online. Put the past away.

You were you then, no matter where you were. And now you're you now. Time only goes forward.

OP - can you make a big change in your life? Move away, move abroad, change jobs etc. it seems like your old life is keeping you moored in misery and comparisons.
You’re only 30 with no real ties (from what you say). A fresh start or a new challenge could really get you out of what sounds like a rut. It might be scary at first but what’s the worst that can happen?

You are only 30- you have most of your life ahead and plenty of time to re-assess and make new choices. The only thing that could ruin your life, is pinning all the blame on what happened then. You got experience and learnt lots of stuff during that time- some from your mistakes. Forwards you go.

This! We all make at least one bad decision at some point in our lives, OP, whether we're 16 or 60, and of course when we look back to when we were 16 and haven't the experience of life we later acquire, then there are bound to be things we regret. But we learn from our experiences. The whole of life's a learning process.

I dropped out of school just before I would have finished. 😂I was top of my year, very academic, and then I just hit a wall and couldn't go any further, and left. I did eventually find a way to go to uni, and then I left that too the first year.

I found a different uni and re-started on a different course, then went on to do a master's and a PhD and have had a very successful career and generally lots of happiness and contentedness in life.

I think it sounds like you have a very closed down view of your life. It's all decided at 16 and that's that. But it's not. My life was a train wreck at 16...and at 25 for that matter. It doesn't have to stay that way though. But nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't just stay in the same place hoping that friends or relationships or career satisfaction or financial security just fall into your lap. You have to create them for yourself.

Do you know what you really want in life? You clearly wanted something more than predictability at 16, but your shyness took over at that time so you are now regretting that sudden breakout spark. At 30, you are still young, so do not feel a failure. You can still revive the adventurous spirit you have inside you! Write down what makes you happy, what would make you happy, then think of how you could achieve it. If you lack self confidence then counselling or a life coach could help. If you can’t afford that, then give self help books a try. That’s what I did to overcome my shyness, applying what I read really helped. I can recommend “How to start a conversation and make friends” by Don Gabor and “How to win friends and influence people” by Dale Carnegie.

Everyone has regrets in life - what they studied, what relationships they had, having/not having kids, getting married, being disrespected/bullied, job and career choices ....

You're as much the popular kid at school, as the "feeling a misfit" in college. We all are at different times.

You sound like a nice person, just discouraged.

So break down your life into three separate areas and you.

WORK: What job are doing? Do you enjoy it? Can you see yourself doing it for the next 40 years? Do you need to make any radical changes? Can you transfer your skills?

SOCIAL: Do you like your friends? Do you like your acitivties and holidays? Are you enjoying your social times? Do you want to make new friends or have new/different relationships?

FAMILY: Sounds like you've got a great family, if you were calling your sister when miserable at college. And people with great family relationships usually have the foundations in place for starting their own great family.

So if you feel it comes down to you, that one or more of these areas is making you unhappy, then make a list.

If you want new friends, get involved with new activities that you might enjoy. but have never tried.
If you want new skills, then take an evening or weekend course and learn some - which will also stretch and develop you.
If you want a new adventure, travel somewhere different with a friend or participate in a overseas charity event or organisation - like studying wildlife or cycling in Africa or going on a tandem sky dive.

Trying a new activity or adventure always means you meet new people - and usually people more suited to you with similar interests. More similar than the random bunch you went to school with.

Just incidentally, I had my first child at 32, my last at 42 and got married forever at 38. No IVF. Life just happens sometimes.

You're only going to get your 30's once. I'd make the most of them. You're in the prime of your life.

The grass is not necessarily greener for the 6th form brigade. You might find when they hit 40 they regret always playing it safe. Never venturing further than their small community. And regretting all the opportunities and excitement and adventure that they missed out on.

I actually don’t think you should go on dating apps just yet. Not when your self-esteem is so low. The CBT suggested by a PP sounds ideal.

Don’t look back. You’re not going that way.

Absolutely this, my thoughts but much more articulate!

But why should they if it works for them?

You really do write your own story. It sounds like you had a really quite unhappy time, but what would you like the next chapter to be?

perhaps you can be the person who grew and learned, valued friends as and when they arrived and became a more resilient person for their bad experiences.

I was going to suggest the same thing! Go for it OP. I think in your shoes I would consider this as an option.

Social media is incredibly biased - they might be really unhappy, have relationship problems, have issues with fertility, be insecure about their life choices, hate their job, be struggling with anxiety etc and plastering on a smile.

As a kind of example, when I was at secondary school I was depressed and had a miserable time. In my leavers book everyone wrote how cheerful and smiley I was. I couldn't rationalise how they thought that when I was feeling so horrid inside. Appearances can be deceptive.

I think your biggest problem isn’t a decision you can never undo, it’s the ruminating on it.

I say this with kindness because I have a big problem with regret and rumination.

Do you like reading nonfiction? There’s a good book called Chatter that has advice for how to stop the voice.

And it’s easier said than done, but you need to focus on what’s next in your life, not what’s gone and can’t be redone. You can learn from the things that you long for from the past - friendships, belonging, etc - and know that’s what you need to go and find next. But don’t let the absence of them then hold you back from getting them now.

I know it sounds cheesy, but I think a gratitude journal might help you a little bit? I have one, I think they’re good for minds that like to dwell on the past! They force you to think nice things about the present. Can just be “I heard some pretty birdsong today”.

Something about that group made you think at 16 that you needed to do better.

Why was that?

Also, 30 is no age. You have lots of time to find friends. My closest friend is someone I met in my late 40s.

You also don't mention any hobbies- could you find something to do which could help you find more friends?

A great place to do that is where noone else knows each other either, like a beginners group of something? You'd all be unknown to each other and noone knows who you are and they're likely to be too nervous to even remember anything from the first time they meet you.

Time to let go of the past and start to life the life you're making for yourself

Exactly. This is all about your mindset & outlook OP, not some decision you made at 16. Self fulfilling prophecy is definitely a thing. Time to look at the way you see yourself and your life.

Most of my mates left school at 16yo, 11 of us stayed on.
We were pretty close tbh and we've started meeting up again now we're in our 50s and live no where near each other, lol!
The ones who left school have all stayed local, been going out and seeing each other all the time. I envy what they have too, but it's not stopped me making friends esp given I went to uni, so met loads more people.

I think you're punishing yourself for making a mistake, so give yourself a break and reacquaint yourself with your old school mates and join fb groups to meet more people locally. Good luck x

Exactly. I’ve spent most of my life trying to get rid of the people I knew in my teens. I’ve got nothing in common with them now, and many of them bring back bad memories. Friendships are no different to romantic relationships. We change and we outgrow people.

You can soon make new friends if you put in the effort. The key is finding a mutual interest. As for bridal showers, hen dos, girlie weekends away, etc, ugghhh, can’t think of anything worse. Still, I’m so introverted I should probably be in therapy, so I’m not the person to ask.