To think this decision I made at 16 has ruined my life?

[SayItOnceAgain]

I'm currently nearly 30, for context. At 16 I was shy, but had a good group of friends and was well-liked amongst my peers. For some reason at 16 I decided I wanted a fresh start and to go to college rather than stay on at sixth form like nearly all of my classmates. All the adults in life say it would be the best thing for me, I'd grow in confidence and make lots of new friends. I went to college and it was awful. I didn't click with anyone, there were lots of mature students who had children or degrees and were retraining. I was a very young, naive 16 year old and couldn't form any friendships. I spent 2 years being so, so lonely. I'd spend lunch times hiding in the toilets or on the phone to my older sister in tears. I'd pray that I would fail my a-level exams so I had an excuse to drop out. It really impacted my self-esteem as it was the first time in my life having no friends. It led me to feel like nobody would ever want to be friends with me and I was destined to be a loner - and that became a self-fulfilling prophecy as at university and most jobs I've not made any friends.

In the meantime, everyone who stayed on at sixth form seemed to grow closer and form a big, close-knit friendship group. Fast forward to now and many of them have married or got engaged to each other within this group, there's now baby showers and bridal showers and housewarming parties. I feel so stunted compared to them. I have no friends, never been in a relationship. It felt like we were all on the same path until that decision to go to college. I've had so many years to make up for it and try catch up with them, but I just can't. I know I can't really blame it all on college, but it seemed like that was the start of things going down hill.

A decision made by 16 year old you may have changed the way your life has run.
30 year old you is responsible for they way your life is now.
Pinning all the blame on this one thing you chose 15 years ago feels like an attempt exempt yourself of the responsibility for your life now.
Make some changes, do something to fix the issues you perceive. It’s not going to happen unless you make it.

You’re unhappy with where you are in your life. And if you weren’t pinpointing it to this specific thing - college vs 6th form - you’d be pointing the finger at something else as the cause of your unhappiness.

The problem is that you’re unhappy, not what you chose to do a decade ago. Ite easy to think that “oh if I only I chose x instead, life would be wonderful”. But you didn’t (and if you had, there’s no guarantee life would be wonderful). All you can do is try have a wonderful life now.

As a gym buddy of mine loves to say, you won’t get the ass you want by sitting on the ass you have!

I don't think AIBU is the best place for this. You could report your post and ask for it to be moved?

I can totally relate to your experiences at college. Things like this can really shatter your confidence. The key is to try to build back up from where you are now, and not look back.

Are you still in the town where you went to university?

The single best thing you could do is join something. It could be anything. Just join and go along and practice socialising. It gets better with time but you've got to keep trying. It might be worth looking into CBT to help you change your thought processes and behaviour patterns. Don't let your past hold you back. I think you were really brave to go to college aged 16. It didn't work out for you but you can move on and improve your life.

I left school at 16 and went straight to work (many years ago). I couldn't wait to earn some money. I sometimes look back and wished I'd gone to university, I was really academic and I think I would have thrived there. When the film Educating Rita came out I remember almost crying at what might have been, however I had a good career and a really good and interesting life so far. Never look back with regret, you will drive yourself mad.

100% this.

Tbh it sounds like you're feeling a bit unfulfilled in life, maybe a bit jealous (perfectly normal, just don't let it fester) and are looking for reasons where it all went wrong or you can blame.
I don't think either of those scenarios are normal though. Your experience was awful but their experience sounds stifling and tends to create either divorce or unhappy marriages. I hope they all have happy long ones, but you know what I mean..
I think you need to look at things that you'll find fulfilling. Pick up a hobby. It doesn't have to be things you're good at. Do something just because it's fun. Not with the end goal of being brilliant at it. You will attract happy, fulfilled people when you are one yourself. Don't let 2 years of your life define you so much. And this is coming from someone who went to 3 different post 16 placements! For a lot of people post 16 is just not great. It's a really really difficult time and it's not a given that you would've been happy at the sixth form. If they didn't include you in social stuff whilst you were at the college, and just watched you be miserably lonely, they probably would've left you to be lonely in the sixth form too!

Thank you for the replies, I'm reading them all and they've definitely given me things to think about. Don't get me wrong I don't obsess over this one decision all the time and for the most part I don't think about my secondary school years much, it's just this morning I logged onto Facebook and my secondary school friendship group is still very much a group and they've all been at an event together (a baby shower). I let myself drift from them as I was embarrassed at how I hadn't made any friends at college and didn't want them to know (not sure why, but I guess that was the logical thing to do in my 16-year-old mind).

I do think a lot about people I grew up with or went to university with. How we were all born in the same year, and yet some people have done so much more with their years than I have. I feel like I've slept walked slept through my 20s. Everyone has achieved at least something: children, married or engaged, a PhD or solid career, successfully emigrated abroad, bought a house, etc. I'm the only person I know who has never had a relationship. My life is essentially the same as it was at 16 only I can drive and have an average job.

I've lost track of the number of times I've thought "if only" and then thoroughly kicked myself out of the remorse because there was no guarantee my life would be better. I could have been married with kids at 17 - didn't do that. Could have gone to a better school (talked my mom out of sending me to an all girl's school) which would have meant I didn't meet the guys I went out with in high school. Or would I? Wouldn't have done the same uni course, or maybe I would have. It's like a family tree that keeps splitting into different branches of what a different me might have done or been like. Different yes. Better, no one knows.

I think everyone has their own 'Sliding Doors' moment. But at 30, you are still young and you do not have to let this define you.

At 17 I made a silly decision RE uni that caused me upset for most of the next 10 years. At 28, I had a bad experience with a job that I thought would surely ruin the rest of my life.

But I made changes. Sure, things are different probably because of those experiences. But at 40 I have a wonderful husband, kids, house, a job I enjoy, and I have friends.

The trauma we suffer when we are young does impact us. But it does not mean it has to define our current and future happiness.

You know where your issues lie. What do you now want to do?

I could have written some of this, OP. I had a terribly lonely time at the local sixth form college and regretted not staying on for sixth form, and suffered some mental health issues at that time. I didn't make a single friend in those two years.

You have to move on, though and not let it define you. You have to forgive yourself for making a bad decision and concentrate on making your life positive now. With the help of some therapy if necessary.

It's not about catching up with a certain peer group (and I think social media really doesn't help with this, because we can see what acquaintances are up to that we otherwise would have lost touch with). You need to be proactive about your life now. Join hobbies, start internet dating, reach out to your most friendly acquaintances and invest in those friendships. Start going to social activities at work. Look forward, not back.

Everyone has achieved at least something: children, married or engaged, a PhD or solid career, successfully emigrated abroad, bought a house, etc.

What do you want to achieve? Travel? Get your scuba diving license? Start saving for a house? Move on in your career?

Forget what other people are up to. Focus on your goals and what is going to make you happy.

I think I agree with some PP in that you may need some counselling to unravel this. It sounds like your confidence has taken a massive knock, spending 10 years in the same difficult situation will do that and I don't think it's as simple as telling yourself to forget about it.

You're still young and there's still time to turn this around.

You are still in this mentality of self-fulfilling prophecy in that you have decided that things are the way they are because of what happened half a lifetime ago, and can't possibly be changed.

I bet that look at you and wish that they had taken a different path.

Look forwards, not backwards.

I have no friends either op. I don't think people understand how difficult it is to make new friends when you have none. Or how lonely it is. Sorry my comment doesn't really offer any advice unless you take comfort in knowing you're not the only loner

It's almost as if that the OP is also using it as a handy get-out. This theory that her destiny was written by one decision at 16 means that she has the excuse not to get out there, make friends, be sociable because what's the point, it's all down to this one decision which can't be changed, so what's the point?

Bless you, I was very similar to you in some ways. Hated college and failed to make any friends, been very shy for most of my life and didn’t achieve much in my 20s for various reasons. I’m still quite shy but have managed to make some great friends through the app Bumble BFF, I have had therapy and CBT which increased my self esteem and I feel much more confident in myself. You’re still young and it’s not too late to make some changes and take control of your life to steer it where you want to go. College was a long time ago now and you don’t have to be defined by the choice you made. If I were you I would mute everyone from school as it doesn’t make you feel good to see their posts. It’s so easy to compare yourself to others and nothing good ever comes from that

Your time will come OP, take courage, find strength to make it happen 💐

You have a job and you can drive, two major achievements. You're not quite 30 so you need to get an action plan in place. Write a list of what you want to happen in the next 3 years, then set about making them happen. Start being positive, and look at the good things in life. It's not necessarily a good thing to still be friendly with people you knew at 16, for example. Lots of people don't have relationships in their 20's. Better to have no ex-boyfriends than a whole slew of problematic ones.

You need a hefty dose of optimism.

Did something happen at school or with the friends to make you want to leave?

If you were shy with friends there it's a surprise that you didn't want to stay with what you knew.

Do you think "the adults" should have tried to talk you out of it?

You still have time to make friends & have relationships!

I didn't meet my now husband until I was 29.

There’s a reason everyone thought you should move to college.

I had a slightly similar experience in that I had a gap year after 6th form and lost touch with everyone, then somehow made no friends on my course at uni. It was lonely having lunch alone etc. Can only blame circumstances as I have lots of friends otherwise and have made friends that were on my course since leaving so it's not like they were all awful. In the 3rd year I joined a uni outdoor activity club and the friends I met there are still my close friends 25 years later.

I think you just have to persevere. Try a new hobby, try a holiday where you do that hobby with others. It takes time and effort to build friendships.

I think unless you have experienced an equivalent you perhaps won’t understand fully what the OP is saying. It’s so easy to claim someone is catastrophising (which is current peak MB dismissiveness) when you haven’t experienced something similar. It isn’t that the one decision changed your life, more that it was a springboard for other problems and difficulties.

When I was 16/17 my life changed very suddenly and dramatically and it impacted my life for at least the next two decades. I watched everyone around me grow and change and I felt very much trapped. It wasn’t through lack of trying either.

Eventually things came right but I am also conscious I’ll never get those years back. I’m okay with that. But any decent therapist (and I don’t hold much truck with therapy) will take you back to the starting point if you like.

The OP has recognised how and where things started to go wrong. She can’t change that but recognising it actually IS a start.

You've had lots of good replies here OP, so I'm just going to share with you a piece of advice a friend of mine gave me, many years ago:

"Don't let your past determine your future."

I wish you well 🤗