To think this decision I made at 16 has ruined my life?

[SayItOnceAgain]

I'm currently nearly 30, for context. At 16 I was shy, but had a good group of friends and was well-liked amongst my peers. For some reason at 16 I decided I wanted a fresh start and to go to college rather than stay on at sixth form like nearly all of my classmates. All the adults in life say it would be the best thing for me, I'd grow in confidence and make lots of new friends. I went to college and it was awful. I didn't click with anyone, there were lots of mature students who had children or degrees and were retraining. I was a very young, naive 16 year old and couldn't form any friendships. I spent 2 years being so, so lonely. I'd spend lunch times hiding in the toilets or on the phone to my older sister in tears. I'd pray that I would fail my a-level exams so I had an excuse to drop out. It really impacted my self-esteem as it was the first time in my life having no friends. It led me to feel like nobody would ever want to be friends with me and I was destined to be a loner - and that became a self-fulfilling prophecy as at university and most jobs I've not made any friends.

In the meantime, everyone who stayed on at sixth form seemed to grow closer and form a big, close-knit friendship group. Fast forward to now and many of them have married or got engaged to each other within this group, there's now baby showers and bridal showers and housewarming parties. I feel so stunted compared to them. I have no friends, never been in a relationship. It felt like we were all on the same path until that decision to go to college. I've had so many years to make up for it and try catch up with them, but I just can't. I know I can't really blame it all on college, but it seemed like that was the start of things going down hill.

That is extremely unusual, for a group of 6th formers to stay friends after school and then all marry one another. Very insular and a bit odd really. It’s more normal for a 30 year old to not have many friends. If you’re struggling to meet people then (and I know this is a cliché) start some new hobbies. Hobbies that involve smaller groups are better for meeting people. Do something you’re genuinely interested in so you don’t feel the odd one out- it’s a common interest you can chat about.

Get back in touch with them all.
Talk to them. It's never too late.
Groups do get together and marry each other.
I didn't. But my path hadn't been easy either.
Get a relationship coach. You must be giving off I'm independent vibes. Good luck! Join a dating agency. X

I'm currently nearly 30, for context. At 16 I was shy, but had a good group of friends and was well-liked amongst my peers. For some reason at 16 I decided I wanted a fresh start and to go to college rather than stay on at sixth form like nearly all of my classmates. All the adults in life say it would be the best thing for me, I'd grow in confidence and make lots of new friends

I think there must have been good reasons at the time for the move. You decided you wanted a fresh start and the adults in your life said it would be good for you.
Perhaps things were not that rosy at school with your friendship group. I honestly think that if things had been great at school you wouldn't have wanted to move and no one would have suggested you should move either.
You are now looking back on it and thinking that college was even worse than school so it was the wrong move. Maybe it was but maybe if you had stayed at school it might have been bad too - friendship groups changing and moving on during sixth form etc.
There's no way of knowing what would have happened if you hadn't made that decision but you can't go back and change it so you have to work with the decision you made at the time and that means making peace with it and also considering what you want to happen now with your life.
What is it you want? What will you have to do to get what you want?

I'm a lot older than you and recently I've been thinking a lot about a decision I made when I was 20. It was categorically the wrong decision. It altered the entire course of my life. But it seemed like the right decision at the time and it was an informed decision. It just turned out not to be right. There's not a thing I can do to change it. I have made the best of it over the years. Just sometimes it still comes back to haunt me a bit and I have to give myself quite a talking to because dwelling on things like that wastes your life.

Good luck with the future OP. Every day is a new day and you can change something every day.

You need to read the Matt Haig book The Midnight Library. I read it in a book group and didn't really enjoy it as I couldn't relate to it but I think for you it might be v helpful.
You are obsessing over one event in your life that you think has stopped you having the life you want but you are giving that the decision the power to stop you now. Never live life through the 'If onlys' because you have no idea what an alternative could have brought and you forget all the reasons you made the decisions in the first place.

Most admit I feel I had a similar experience really, although slightly different. I went to a pretty rubbish comprehensive without a Sixth, then an equally rubbish Sixth form college. Obviously I pickup some friends along the way, but it wasn't really the same as most of my university friends who ended up with a great friend circle from their idyllic school where they shared things right into the sixth form.

I have gone on to do lots of things in my life but it does nag, that I haven't got that great group of friends "back home". (Made I am imagining a perfect world)

Anyway can't give too much advice other than to try to move on, as there is not much you can do about the past.

I went to sixth form, I’m 31. I speak to no one from school, or uni actually.
My husband went to college (he’s 40) and he’s still in touch with a friend from school and 2 from college.

I don’t think it makes any difference. You are either someone who is in a friendship group or isn’t. We have a friendship group made from work, we aren’t closest in it we are part of the wider group. We have our individual friends but for me it’s always 1 on 1.

It does feel lonely, but try and put yourself out there, join a hobby or something to keep you busy. You’ll meet your people, but they might just be 1-2-1 and that’s okay too :)

You have a chance to do something about it now.

Join meetup groups, books clubs, bumble bff, get chatting to that person you get on with at work and ask them for a brew, start a new hobby. Reach out to the old friends, there is a hope.

I have someone in my life who was in your position at 34 and chose to do nothing about it, she is in the same place years on. I know someone else who started working on it at 33 and now a couple of years on has a good friend group.

You'll get there but you'll need to put the work in - good luck.

Or the latest bluey episode. Sometimes things seem bad luck but time will tell.

You made a decision on school at 16 years old.
I left school at 15 years old.
You went to college at 16 years old.
I made the decision to keep my son at 16 years old.
We all make decisions it's how we deal with it that counts.

I know what I want in life. It's all I've ever wanted since I was a little girl and that is to be a mum. I'm not really jealous of the friendship group as a friendship group, but that they are parents or parents-to-be. I would sacrifice every single thing in my life for it. Everything pales in comparison to it. Everything else I've wanted in life, such as a holiday or my dream car, I've been in control of and able to save and buy it on my own. But being a mother you can't just go out and buy. It feels so unattainable, like the stars and moon have to align perfectly for it to happen, or at least for me to somehow find the courage to get on dating apps where you're just swiped away at based on your photos. I feel stuck because I am way too nervous to do dating apps.

If that’s what you really want I would try to find a partner through online dating. I did it in my late 20s. I hadn’t had a serious relationship before. It’s not true that everyone else has lots of experience. There are plenty of people who are late bloomers. You don’t have to spill your guts on a first date either. Don’t tell anybody your situation until you feel comfortable with them. You can use reputable sites that are paid for so people are more likely to be serious. I would prefer to try to find someone than just not give it a go at all. Who cares if some people don’t like your photos or find you attractive? Most of us are just normal looking people. I wouldn’t just give up without trying.

Why are you even giving this headspace? There is chuff all you can do to change it. You are wasting your life worry about something you can do bugger all about.

My son did the same as you and didn’t make friends at sixth form college, he did however maintain his friendships with his classmates who stayed on at school (thank goodness). Not really sure why you were praying to fail your A levels so you could leave (surely you’d be leaving after taking them regardless?).

It’s very damaging to stay stuck in the past, unable to move forwards. Look forwards from now on, hopefully you have many more years and many more paths to take.

This is literally what happened to me at 16. I had quite a big friendship group but I decided to go to a college rather than the local 6th form which everyone else went to.
I made 2 friends at college but lost the friends I had at school.
I am married now and have 3 children. I met my husband online. I wouldn't have met him or anyone otherwise. Try it out, you need to put yourself out there and if it doesn't work out keep trying. Maybe take a break from social media and try not to compare yourself to others.

So much this.

You're criticising yourself - stop! Make your self-talk positive. 'Oh, I made the wrong decision. No! I stepped out bravely, alone. I learned I could manage even if it wasn't easy. What do I want to do next?'

'All I ever wanted was to be a mum' - awkward. Not sure I believe that. You could find a sperm bank, if they still exist. Is what you really want a happy family life? Husband, children, home, all of it? You're still young, you can find this. But a few days reading mumsnet will show you how ephemeral it is, and how depending on someone else for your happiness puts everything at risk.

The way forward is therapy, to help you reshape your thinking, building confidence and finding clarity. Add activities to your life - life a full, interesting life now, don't put it on hold for when you find a partner/sperm donor.

The game isn't over, it's only just begun.

I stayed in at my school sixth form and regret it. You never know.

I think this is blunt bordering on a bit rude, firstly.

Anyone who has studied history or any social science will understand why. There’s nothing we can do about historical events, but we consider them and study them because it’s part of where we are today and following on from that where we go next.

That’s true of our own lives too. A major event for me was losing my own mum at 17. There’s nothing I can do about it, why give it headspace? Well - because it’s important, it’s shaped who I am and what I do. And the OPs history is no less important.

A woman I work with wanted a baby but never met the right man. She got to 40, said stuff it and went to a sperm bank. She now has a beautiful 3 year old daughter. Could this be something you could investigate?

I can relate to you completely, although my health is what stalled my life. I'm 30, never had a relationship and I have barely anyone I can talk to. It's baffling, and I can't help but wonder 'why, what if & when?', also.

Cut yourself some slack you were 16 . I messed up at school and had to stay on. Do I regret it yes, but can I change it no. A saying that helps me .. Regret is like sitting in a rocking chair you can go back and forth but it doesn't get you anywhere.

You don't really know how happy they are , anyone can pretend on surface level. Friends come and go trust me , you can be the friendliest nicest person on this earth and still have problems with friends. But there's still plenty of time don't give up . Big hugs

I think you’d really benefit from some therapy OP.

It would really help you to move past regrets and ruminations over what has gone or what might have been and help you to focus on what is now.

you’ve said you slept walked through your 20s and that you know you want a family - well now you have to put yourself out there for it to happen. It won’t just fall into your lap.

It is within your gift to have the exact life you want, no one is stopping you except you.

I would definitely recommend finding a local therapist to help you work through the challenges you have which are holding you back from dating and progressing your career.

Do it now, wasting your 20s is absolutely normal and a right of passage in some ways but you don’t want to wake up in 20 years and realised you’ve wasted half of your life out of fear.

Yes things may have ended up differently but you'll never know..I heard a wonderful saying and it's stuck with me. Believe fate is just around the corner but stick your neck out far enough for it see you! Get out there girl and change things ❤️

Read this gently;

It's time to get of the pity party bus, you've been on it far too long. Get off, have a good luck round, don't like where you are then get on a positive bus.

Make changes;
Don't like your job then start looking for a different one.
Not got any friends, then smile and say hello, you can manage that.
Join clubs, hobbies, activities, it will be the same for everyone.
Project positive thoughts, your life is not going to be defined by one decision you made over 10 years ago.
Get some counselling.

YOU have the choice to make yourself happy.

But being a mother you can't just go out and buy

Yes you can actually, others have done just that.

If your school friends had been great friends, why didn't you keep seeing them socially when you were at college? I suspect they weren't really good friends, just people you hung around with at school. We've all done it.

The school I went to (before you were born OP!) stopped at 16 and most of us went on to a sixth form college, where we were joined by lots of students from other schools. Pre 16 we were at a 4 form entry school and mostly people stuck with friends from their tutor group.....until 6th form that is, when it was noticeable that erstwhile best friends broke up and everyone made new friends. Two of my best friends now are people I became friendly with in 6th form, previously I'd only seen them in certain lessons and we didn't meet up out of school. So I doubt it was just you going to college that was the issue

Sixteen is the age where you start to learn more about who you are and previous good friends drop away as you find you have nothing much in common. This is pretty normal, only you didn't make new friends and haven't since. That's what you need to focus on, not the choice you made at 16. Most of my friends now are people I met through work or through activities, some in my 20s, some 30s, some since then.

You seem to have no confidence socially and need support in, firstly, believing you could make a good friend for others, and secondly, in examining the skills people need to make connections and friendships. Do you ignore approaches from others or do you get none because you avoid them? Because some of my friends sought to make friends with me, it wasn't necessarily me approaching them.

To make friends you need to meet like-minded people, be friendly and interested in them and risk rejection by suggesting social meet ups away from the place you meet them in. Focus on that, not regretting past choices.