AIBU to want his wife’s life?

[Girlll123]

Because I'm being vulnerable, please be gentle with me. I am aware that I am AIBU. I was in awful relationships and experienced extreme abuse as a child, which has left me unhappy.

To cut a long tale short, I met a wonderful married man (34m and I am 25F). I want the life of his wife, if that makes sense. To be clear, I don't fancy him. I've lost all faith in men, so I'm just amazed at how kind and loving he is to her. I wish I could have someone love me that much.

Because of my trauma, I feel like I will never have a happy family like theirs. They have two beautiful kids, and he treats her very nicely. I wish to live that kind of life. I wish I was her.

You don’t know what is happening behind closed doors. Maybe he is awful to her at home. Have you tried therapy OP? You sound like you are struggling. You are still young, you will be able to meet someone and start a family.

You are still so young OP, plenty of time. I had a very rough 20s and early 30s, met my now wife at 34 and we are very happy. It can all still come. Have you had some therapy to work through your trauma?

Why jump to that theory? Why lower the bar back to the floor?

o/p look at it the other way. Men like that do exist. There are men out there that do treat women well, as equals, and genuinely share their lives. It likely isn’t perfect, and they probably row over whose turn it is to empty the dishwasher, but good relationships can be found.

use their relationship to set your bar high. Don’t accept shitty treatment, find a man who treats you like this man treats his wife. Keep throwing them back until you find a good one. You are worth it, and you deserve it.

What? Why would you write something like this?

Because appearances can be deceiving. The op shouldn't be envious of or compare themselves to others. I had a wonderful relationship on the outside, but in reality, he was a horrible narcissist who only treated me well in front of other people. Every relationship has problems.

I’m very sorry that you experienced extreme abuse as a child. You need to talk to someone and work on the way you feel about yourself. You deserve to be happy and to be treated well by people. You need to get to a point where you believe that too. When you have gotten some help and you feel you have value as a person, having someone else treat you with love will be a bonus, not something you need as validation.

My friend is very similar to you OP.

We are a close group of 5 and she is the only one who has never married and she have never had a a serious relationship either. She has a child but when she told the father (they’d been in a casual r’ship for about 5 months, baby not planned) he disappeared. The child is 8 now and the dad has never had any contact.

My friend also had a bad upbringing, parents who pretty much neglected her and then threw her out at 16. She’s never had a sense of any worth or security and she went from bad man, to bad man to more bad men who all took advantage of her vulnerability and her need to feel loved.

I know she finds it hard being part of our friendship group and she has said to me plenty of times that she doesn’t understand why we’ve all got nice husbands and marriages whilst she’s got nothing (that’s how she sees it). She genuinely believes she will never have the future she always dreamed off and she tells me she’d give anything to have the life the rest of us do.

It’s so upsetting to hear her talk like that but it’s completely understandable. I feel so helpless though when all I can do is hug her and nothing else.

There are lots of good men out there and you are no less deserving of one than anyone else.

And as cliche as it sounds, you are young enough to eventually find the life you dream off but I think you need to get help first to overcome your trauma and find a way to realise your self worth.

I’m sorry you are feeling like this OP, and I really hope that one day you find the happiness you want 💐

Thank you all for the kind words. Yes, I have had therapy. Mostly (and unwillingly) when I was a child. I know that I have a good heart so I deserve good things too. Maybe one day.

I know exactly how your friend feels. I guess it’s never too late. I am sending some love and positivity her way. Life can be so cruel sometimes 💐

You don’t know what is happening behind closed doors. Maybe he is awful to her at home.

What an awful thing to jump to.

You're basically telling the OP to cling to the 'hope' that this woman might be desperately unhappy, rather than being one of the millions of married women who isn't.

OP, you may well end up with this sort of relationship but as you can't see into the future, it's probably best to work on yourself and your own contentment for now.

Honestly thank you. A gold dust of a reply

Who told you that you can't have a healthy, respectful relationship some day?

There's no reason why you can't but it may require some work on your behalf. Due to your experience, you will have a skewed view of men to a certain extent, and a man that isn't as bad as the last one, might not still be a good one etc. Your sense of judgement is hampered by your trauma.

If I were you, I would spent the next 5 years working on you. Unlearning a lot of what you have been taught in life. Discovering your confidence, self worth, boundaries and expectations, what makes you happy etc. Do counselling and engage with the freedom programme.

Once you are at a stage where you are happy alone, then you can consider a relationship and are more likely to attact a healthy good one.

None of what happened to you is your fault & you deserve to be as happy as anyone else. Get some help with the trauma and you can be.

Please use your experience with him to be the standard and decide you simply won’t accept less.

Decide to have the absolute best life on your own for the next 12 months, and write down all the things he does and that you want. Then when (or if!) you do start dating make clear your standards and how you won’t tolerate anything that doesn’t meet them!

And yes, it’s completely normal to be envious of other people; use them as a goal!

You really are way too young to be thinking 'it's never too late'. You have loads of time. Take that time to find out what and who you want and what your priorities are in life.

Because lots of people on here like to drag everyone down

Agree with others, try and think ‘well there’s hope for us all’ and I hope you find peace with or without someone and enjoy your life with breathing space and hobbies and relaxation and fun xxxxxxxx

You are still very young. If you’re in a good place emotionally there’s no reason that you won’t meet a wonderful man who treats you well and you can settle down together and have this kind of life that you envy. There are plenty of good men out there, know your worth and don’t settle for someone who doesn’t respect you and treat you with kindness.

This is horrible advice—it discourages the OP from reflecting on and pursuing a healthy relationship. Its just an inverted jealousy—otherwise known as sour grapes.

Don't always think that something that looks great outwardly actually is. I have a friend who is married to someone who is lovely and kind. No money worries, great father. But she is on anti depressants as she is miserable as doesnt feel she loves him. Majority of our friends think they are the epitome of a happy have it all family. But thats not always the case. Not everything is always as it seems. I'm sorry you feel so unhappy with your life - only you can change how you deal with life going forward. Giving you positive hugs. X

And yet in millions of happy relationships everything is pretty much as it seems, which is what the OP should be looking at.

I'm sure the future is much brighter as long as she keeps her bar firmly raised, rather than being lead to believe that the happy relationships she sees around her are fake.

Ignore the poster who said the negative post.

If you think negative then it won't happen.

Focus on yourself and don't concentrate on it. It will bring you deeper into that feeling

If you think the way that PP said then you won't see a good man when he is there.

When I read the opening post my first thought was the same as @Throwapple123 because I was also in a marriage with a narcissist who made sure everyone else saw him treat me wonderfully, but behind doors it was another matter.

I also believe that we should never judge a book by its cover and it’s also what we tell ourselves about the impossibly fantastic lives we see on instagram and face book etc. We wont always see what their life is really like.

Sometimes when people post about being envious of another persons perceived wealth, family, joy - the MN answers often tell the poster that comparison is the thief of joy, and we won’t know the full picture of their lives by seeing it from the outside.

To @Girlll123 sorry to derail the thread.

As others have said, there will be other men out there who are as kind and as caring as this man is.

But I would also add that his wife’s life may not be as perfect as you think it is.

Maybe reframe this to seek out a relationship that is as good as this one (looks).

When you say you met a man, do you mean you are sleeping with him?

The OP should also know that narcissism only affects between one and five percent of the UK population.

So whilst it's something to look out for, I wouldn't let the thought of ending up in a relationship with a narcissist, put you off dating.

it’s also what we tell ourselves about the impossibly fantastic lives we see on instagram and face book etc. We wont always see what their life isreally like.

Life would be so much better for so many people if only they would stop scrolling Instagram and Facebook and lived their own lives.