AIBU to want his wife’s life?

[Girlll123]

Because I'm being vulnerable, please be gentle with me. I am aware that I am AIBU. I was in awful relationships and experienced extreme abuse as a child, which has left me unhappy.

To cut a long tale short, I met a wonderful married man (34m and I am 25F). I want the life of his wife, if that makes sense. To be clear, I don't fancy him. I've lost all faith in men, so I'm just amazed at how kind and loving he is to her. I wish I could have someone love me that much.

Because of my trauma, I feel like I will never have a happy family like theirs. They have two beautiful kids, and he treats her very nicely. I wish to live that kind of life. I wish I was her.

No. I meant that I met him through a shared hobby. He is very happy with his wife.

On the one hand, you don’t know what their relationship is like - I’ve known couple I thought were perfect for each other and been shocked when they split.

But on the other hand, relationships likes that absolutely DO exist, and you can find a lovely man. I met mine at 30 and were incredibly happy, he’s lovely, hands on parent, hands on with housework, and an amazing partner. Focus on some counselling for yourself for now so you know that you deserve a happy and healthy relationship.

One problem is this idea of the perfect marriage in which the man “treats” the woman “so well” and “gives” her so much” As though the woman is a pet or a child who exists only insofar as the all important man does things for her. Its infantilizing if the relationship and of the man. He isn’t perfect and she isn’t a cipher. The marriage is equally composed of the two of them doing loving things for each other—mattering to each other.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m in one of those happy marriages and my parents and grandparents were in those happy marriages but the arise out of choosing healthy/generous/kind/self actualized men who act consistently with care and ethically because that is who they are.

OP needs to raise her standards for men and raise her expectations for her relationship—she isn’t a passive recipient of male largesse. She is the author of her own story.

OP very good relationships exist but perfect ones don’t. No relationship will fix childhood trauma but the right one will give you a place to heal and grow. I had a less than ideal childhood and one of the factors that caused the issues was my father trying to fix his childhood by creating the perfect family around him. He found it unbearable when we didn’t manage to meet his expectations.

So think about what it is about their relationship that appeals to you and recognise that whatever your start in life, you deserve the same. If you can’t accept you deserve the same then you may need to unpick some trauma with a therapist.

I’d say no one is perfect, but honestly not every relationship has problems.

As I said, some, not all, relationships, are not what they seem. Of course op should strive to meet that special person, but it's easy when you're on your own, and I've been there, to be surrounded by people either your neighbours family and friends or even strangers in shopping mall, and feel you are the only person who can't get it right and that everyone has someone. There are a lot of very happy relationships, but op shouldn't think that every relationship she sees is a perfect one. That's not to say she won't find her happy ever after.

I think it's great that you can see this man is kind and a good partner and want that for yourself. Hold that in your mind when you go forward, you will meet people, but not all will have these qualities. There really are some good male partners out there.

Men like that do exist. I have one. I am aware that many men the opposite also exist (I have friends who are with them). Everyone deserves to be with a partner who treats them right. But they are out there, so don't give up hope.

This is going to sound very patronising, but OP, you start by treating yourself that well.

Eat healthy
sleep
move your body in a way you think is fun
speak kindly to yourself
look in the mirror and say a couple of positive affirmations
make connections with nice people.

You may then attract a good man into your life. If you don’t, you’re still happy.

You've survived a shitty start. You’re already more incredible than you realise!

Spot on.

Maybe reframe this to seek out a relationship that is as good as this one (looks).

I think this is helpful. You have no real idea, OP, what his relationship is really like, but hang on to your image of this man's behaviour as something to look for if you decide, in the future, to look for a man. Just bear in mind that some men who are lovely to their partners in public are vile to them in private. Look for a man who's as good to you in private as in public. Good luck. You deserve better.

@Girlll123 The best advice I can give you (or anyone) is to work on being content with your own life, your own company and not think that it would be better if you had a husband or more money or a different job. Yes these things can add to your happiness but if you are happy in yourself you will be a stronger, more resilient person.

So many people are afraid to be on their own and so make poor choices in partners that they regret later.

No you're right. It's far better that instead of knowing there are nice people in the world and good things are possible in her future, she should definitely believe that no matter how lovely someone's life can appear, chances are, they are actually living with an abuser and are secretly miserable and in a horrible marriage.

What a little ray of sunshine you are!

Great post

Instagram isn't real. People upload flattering photographs of themselves and their families having wonderful times. Each scene and each reel is carefully curated for maximum effect. Life isn't always fabulous and fun. It can be good though, and there will be a lovely man out there who will love you and cherish you and you can live the life of your dreams.

I used to be married to a man who treated me very well in public. He treated me very badly in private. It was all a facade.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Appearances can be deceiving. You will find your own happiness.

If you have disposable in come invest in yourself - a good therapist who can help you with your past trauma would be a starting point.

@Runningbird43 best bit of advice I’ve seen related to this subject ever. I wish someone had said that to me when I was OPs age

It sounds like you are in a relationship with this MM so he is far from the kind of man that would ever treasure you in the way you are looking for.

This always starts with self love - deciding right now that the crumbs of his affection is not good enough for you - that you will settle for nothing no one short of devoting their life to cherishing you. Be grateful they have shown you what you want/looking for. Use his wife as a standard bearer. Would she tolerate this? How would she manage a first date? She knows her worth, and so can you. This works well for people that have no shining examples in their lives or childhoods - and have nothing to base their standards on.

You can have her life by finishing with him, and choosing to spend time with men that respect you, start with friendships with men that value you, aim high - be authentic and real. Be in control and know your weaknesses and trigger points.

Therapy as an adult is completely different give it a try. Good luck

How do you know more than the OP who has stated that she's not in a relationship with him and doesn't even fancy him?

Agree with this. I married a nice man who is nice to me and respectful etc and we genuinely don't have any relationship problems.

My DH is lovely and all of our friendship group have decent men who are attentive husbands. They are out there op. You just have to settle for no less and have a high bar. I kissed a lot of frogs and fake prince charmings until I found someone with integrity and good values. Don’t give up!

Nowhere in the thread does the OP mention she is in any sort of relationship with this man. She is not, she met him at a hobby.

Well the rest of the post still stands. It sounds like she is in a relationship as otherwise I can’t see the point of putting ages and sex etc, it read like she had met him and liked him - but anyway the point still stands just ignore the relationship part.