AIBU to want his wife’s life?

[Girlll123]

Because I'm being vulnerable, please be gentle with me. I am aware that I am AIBU. I was in awful relationships and experienced extreme abuse as a child, which has left me unhappy.

To cut a long tale short, I met a wonderful married man (34m and I am 25F). I want the life of his wife, if that makes sense. To be clear, I don't fancy him. I've lost all faith in men, so I'm just amazed at how kind and loving he is to her. I wish I could have someone love me that much.

Because of my trauma, I feel like I will never have a happy family like theirs. They have two beautiful kids, and he treats her very nicely. I wish to live that kind of life. I wish I was her.

I was like you. I spent a long time during my 30s healing from a very, very dark and lonely place. I met my now husband when I was 40. He, and what we have, was worth the work and the wait.
There’s so much still to come for you. Use this couple’s relationship as a great motivator and role model. Try and identify what it is about this man, and his relationship with his wife, that appeals to you and then start to develop those qualities in yourself and also look for those qualities in potential new relationships.
Meantime, enjoy yourself! 😊

No one will ever give you self esteem. It's your life and everyone else has their own problems. The day you decide you're worth it is the day you start being worth it.

Or the op has had such a traumatic time that any normal loving relationship looks perfect.

He may be a narcissist (you can’t just decide that he is due to your own experiences), he might be the loveliest man alive. It doesn’t really matter what the truth is, it’s how @Girlll123 perceives it.

Can I offer some advice?
Be your own ideal partner - when you catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, smile at yourself. Say kind and encouraging things to yourself. Buy yourself treats. Build yourself up.

It’s actually harder than it sounds. But it’s part of recovering from trauma. And it will reset your self worth. And reset your bar for relationships.

It sounds like you probably don’t have safe models and blueprints for relationships. The Freedom Programme might be a good option to look at. Look at the Shark Cage theory as well.

The couple you describe might be ideal, but overly nice/charming/loving partners make my spidey senses tingle. When a relationship is founded on respect, and there’s very little drama, it can come across as a bit dull.

I am wondering this.

@Theothername I really like your reply.

We are not sleeping together. Why would you assume this?

I agree with this. Life is so much easier when you know you can life alone, so will only accept a man who treats you excellently.
Don’t dream of someone like him, focus on being someone like her.

The great news here is that you have a role model. You know that men can be nice, respectful and loving. So now you know you dont have to accept anything less. I think it is worth going back to therapy now you are older, but you have seen it is possible and there is no reason you should not have that too. History is not destiny. And you are so young, there is no reason to accept a life that is empty of love.

I spent a lot of time wishing I'd made different decisions and wondering what life would have been like if I had. This book really explored that. I hope you find it useful.

You make very good points. As they say we accept the love we think we deserve.

I couldn’t wait to read this so I downloaded it. I've just finished reading it. I feel like everyone can relate to Nora to some degree. As humans we naturally worry, regret, and think about what may have been if we had made different choices. It greatly changed my outlook on life. I would advise anyone who is experiencing regret or doubt.

I'm so glad you found it useful! It's a lovely feeling when you recommend a book to someone and it chimes with them 😊

I did not grow up knowing what it meant to feel (emotionally and psychologically) safe.
What for better or for worse actually meant.

And my first few attempts at a relationship were so disastrous that I gave up until I was about 26. It took a lot of work to admit to myself that I even wanted a romantic relationship.

After that I had to work on believing that the risk of a romantic relationship- of opening myself up, the potential to be hurt - was worth it. I needed to learn that I was strong enough to survive heart break without losing myself. I also needed to learn that I was worthy and deserving of the love I wanted. Needed to learn how to be open to those opportunities whilst also having boundaries.
It sounds as if you had an extra step of learning: to believe that romantic relationships can be good. That men can treat their partner with love and care. That must be tough.

I am currently engaged to a wonderful man. He treats me with love, respect and care. And sometimes he looks at me as if I hung the moon and the stars.
And whilst I am confident and hopeful that our relationship will be successful I also believe that I would survive if it ultimately won’t work out…

I am not a MH professional so therefore hesitant to give concrete advice. All I can say is that finding a physical and social place I felt safe and comfortable in (my apartment, friends, community…) was crucial for me personally. Therapy helped as well but for me personally changing the environment made the biggest difference…

based on your comments on this thread you sound strong, reflective and aware. I honestly believe that you can do it.
Good luck.

It’s easier to tolerate a relationship that doesn’t work out if you have fully protected your own interests ie financially, friendships outside of the marriage, a social life, your identity and a supportive community, career are all protective in the event a relationship doesn’t work out - it also allows you to enter a relationship as a full person, wifh no agenda required beyond a loving relationship. You can open your heart without knowing your world will come crashing down. Resilience is actually key. Looking out for you is key. Being content with who you are, scars and all is paramount. Only then will have you have a fertile environment to welcome another person.

The work starts with you.

Anybody looking at my life you would think I have the perfect life.

I do have a very loving husband but noone knows hes seriously ill. Noone knows I have cancer. We go about our days happy and contented

Noones life is perfect

I appreciate you sharing your story. I'm glad you were able to get through a difficult time. ❤️

I’m sorry to hear about your cancer. I am sending you lots of love and positive energy.

You are right. The irony is that there are many who would 'envy' my life. I have a wonderful support system of friends, a successful career, and decent looks, but you wouldn't know that I suffer from severe PTSD, relationship issues, and low self-worth until I told you.

Everyone struggles in one way or another. I hope that everyone is able to overcome their struggles 💐

Changed my mind. I think I didn’t read it properly sorry