AIBU to want his wife’s life?

[Girlll123]

Because I'm being vulnerable, please be gentle with me. I am aware that I am AIBU. I was in awful relationships and experienced extreme abuse as a child, which has left me unhappy.

To cut a long tale short, I met a wonderful married man (34m and I am 25F). I want the life of his wife, if that makes sense. To be clear, I don't fancy him. I've lost all faith in men, so I'm just amazed at how kind and loving he is to her. I wish I could have someone love me that much.

Because of my trauma, I feel like I will never have a happy family like theirs. They have two beautiful kids, and he treats her very nicely. I wish to live that kind of life. I wish I was her.

So in your opinion the OP should deal with her emotions towards this woman by hoping she's actually in an abusive relationship because then at least she's miserable too?

What a shockingly shit worldview and terrible advice to give to someone vulnerable. There are lots of relationships where both people treat eachother with love, kindness and respect and there aren't all sorts of horrible problems behind closed doors. It's exactly as good as it looks.

OP needs to know these relationships exist so she can have hope, and have motivation to get any help she needs to be able to be in a position to seek one of these perfectly healthy relationships. It's not comparison, it's a desire to have a happy relationship with someone and be treated well. Having something positive to shoot towards is not a bad thing.

With all due respect you sound like you're still suffering some trauma from your own past relationships, and I don't really think you're the best person to be giving advice to someone who is also suffering and vulnerable

I only gave the ages for context. I have NOT slept with him. I have never seen a man treat a woman kindly so I just wanted to share how it made me feel. I said that I wanted his wife's life because I wanted to experience the same level of love, which I did not feel like I would get due to my past. I do not mean that I want her partner or life in the literal sense.

Another here who has a loving Husband, although I'm aware that not all men out there are the same....just as I dare say there are women out there that treat men in an awful way.

Just as important to us though, now he's 35 years old, we pride ourselves on having raised a son that knew/knows how to treat women and shares equally the daily load of life with his long term girlfriend.

I believe every mother should raise her sons to be gentleman and her daughters to expect no less.
Fairy tale thoughts I know.

There is someone waiting for you OP and when the time is right you'll meet them.

Thank you for wording it so articulately. And thank you all for your kind words. It has helped me a lot, I was not in the best place mentally when I created this thread but now I have some hope.

OP needs to know these relationships exist so she can have hope, and have motivation to get any help she needs to be able to be in a position to seek one of these perfectly healthy relationships. It's not comparison, it's a desire to have a happy relationship with someone and be treated well

You can probably get that kind of love but it's always better to love yourself. Love comes and goes.

How is it being unreasonable to want to be in a happy healthy relationship? You finally have a positive relationship role model and an understanding of what your standard should be.

I'm not saying that you should believe a relationship is the key to happiness, you need to work on making yourself happy first. But you absolutely should believe that the only guys who are worth your time are those who treat you well and refuse to accept anything less.

Who told you about how great her life is? Him or her?

Him

I think the trouble is here is the OP has put the husband on a pedestal.
Maybe the wife is just as good to him. And they have a happy and balanced relationship. And it's equal and respectful. Let's not make the man the greatest here just by behaving like a lot of woman already do to their husbands.

Good men exist. Just like good women exist

OP, a long time ago I had a lightbulb moment that jealousy was a really positive emotion. Because it tells you clearly what you really want in life. I'm never jealous of people with flashy cars or fancy jewellery - those things have never appealed to me. But I was once deeply jealous of women with a good marriage, children and a specific career. Once I realised these were the exact things I wanted I focused on them.

You now know you want a man who treats you in a certain way - with respect or kindness, affection or generosity- whatever it is about his interaction with his wife that makes you envious is your benchmark for desirable attributes in a man. Start looking for single men who have similar personalities. If there's stuff you are less bothered about (height, class etc) ditch those from any instinctive screening you do when you meet men. You will start to attract what you want. I don't mean this in a 'The Secret' vibrations way. Just quite simply, once we are clear what we want and start to seek it and clear the path for it, not letting stuff stand in its way, then we become aware of unexplored opportunities.

Well then. Maybe you should ask her.

^this is good advice.

No relationship is perfect and they take equal commitment and work but the key is believing that you deserve that and refusing to settle for less.

I recommend trying therapy again, it's very different as an adult when you're actually willing and ready to give it a good go and the right therapist is key so shopping around is important. I had a horrible relationship in my 20s and my family relationship was always very dysfunctional. It actually took me getting to the point where I decided I'd rather be alone than settle for anything less than what I deserve. Then I met dh and he's been my rock for the last 7 years. We have our ups and downs but we both work hard at it and no matter what's happened I've always felt safe and secure with him.

My feeling is that your 20s are the best time to just invest in yourself and enjoy figuring yourself out and getting to where YOU want to be. Once you're in a relationship or have kids it becomes so much harder to focus on yourself so take this time and use it for you! Do things you enjoy just because you enjoy them, only keep people around you who make you feel like a good version of yourself and push out of your comfort zone where you can.

Good men exist and the good ones will be prepared to rise to your standards.

OP, I feel for you.

I experienced abuse as a teen, and then leapt straight into an abusive relationship (that then became an abusive marriage).

You mention you've had therapy. That's great, but do think about whether you'd benefit from further therapy.

A book (fiction) I found very helpful was the Midnight Library by Matt Haig.

Things can get better - I'm now in a very secure and loving relationship, but before that could happen, I had to learn that I deserved love.

Thank you for the book recommendation, I have just ordered it! Is there a particular reason as to why this booked helped you? I am happy to see that you are doing well.

This was very helpful. Thank you. I am definitely going to start journaling and try positive affirmations. I just need to get out of my head and stop thinking about the past.

As the saying goes jealousy is the thief of joy

What a miserable glass half empty perspective.

It’s called being realistic. How could she feel envious of a relationship that she has little knowledge about? I agree with the earlier commenter that she ought to inquire about the wife's happiness in their relationship. Since Op is a young, insecure woman, the man is likely manipulating her by boasting about how loving he is to get into her pants. Be careful OP, he sounds like my ex who was a narcissist.

Oh, OP. Sending love. And good relationships can happen at any age. I met my now DH in my late 30s, after a very difficult childhood, teenage assault and traumatic first marriage, not to mention subsequently awful, awful, awful (and abusive) relationship. However, I would also say (just because I saw an update of yours) that I’d be wary of falling into the trap of thinking you deserve x, therefore you’ll get it — just because life doesn’t work that way. There’s no rhyme or reason — I think — to who gets what in life. Having said that, there’s every chance, given your age (I don’t mean that to be patronising — I’m just talking statistics) that you can find love.

You deserve a kind man who loves you OP. They are out there and you shouldn't ever settle for less. Don't be mislead by charm, money or looks. You're looking for steadiness, kindness and consistency. Have hope!

🤣🤣🤣

Or, in general chit chat, he's mentioned his wife and the things she does, the things they do together, stuff that happened at home etc. As many work colleagues do. "How was your weekend?" "Great thanks, DH and I went to X restaurant while MIL had the little one". Or "Get up to much last night?" "Nah, the missus and I just chilled with a film and a glass of wine. She made me laugh by saying something silly...."

I'd never believe any man or woman who bragged about how loving they were. But especially men.

Running is right. Use it to up your hopes and expectations. Don’t lower the bars as another poster suggested

It’s not being realistic at all. You’re projecting.

It’s really sad that you have given up on men at the grand age of 25.

I hope that you heal from your trauma and live the life that you desire.