To think I'm absolute shit at raising girls?

[Mastmw7g]

My oldest daughter was such a challenge. We have a good relationship now, but I still upset her easily if I'm not careful what I say. My youngest daughter is only 10 and regularly tells me she wants to move in with her nan, who she says is like a real mother unlike me. I protested that I wasn't even doing anything and she started listing off the things I was doing: sitting, breathing, existing, growing hair, making blood cells. She tried to call her nan after that and she didn't feel up to a call and my FIL said to call tomorrow. The door was open so I popped my head in and said I was sorry her call hadn't gone how she wanted. She replied "Why are you in my room without permission?" DH asked what I did to her. I don't know! I'm trying, but I must be doing it wrong. My boys are so easy.

Not sure if I'm right but to me jt sounds like you had such a difficult time with your eldest that your walking on egg shells with your youngest so you don't have the same experience and she's using it against you?
Don't be scared to put your foot down, she doesn't have a right to treat you with disrespect.

I think this is true and you really need to choose your battles. Everyone
ia saying you need to be tougher on her and not let her speak to you like that. But I’m guessing you know that if you react in a certain way it will just escalate? And that makes things worse.

It’s a fine line and quite exhausting.
I would recommend the book that was mentioned and as much reading around the subject as you can.

Something l read that resonated with me was that when teenagers act awful (I know yours is pre-teen) it’s because they are feeling awful. So communication (and not going in to battle with them) is key.

Pushing you away is a very important part of them growing up. This is how it unfortunately manifests. Choose your battles and try and think long term - you want to preserve your relationship for when they are out the other side and come back to you. Not spend years arguing over every little thing

Don’t take it personally and find other things to focus on.

There's probably truth to this and I'll try to be more mindful.

My oldest daughter said my MIL would keep her up until the sun came up talking about all her problems with me and would say I was mentally very sick and that she couldn't say more until my daughter was 18. When she turned 18 she decided to cut ties with my in-laws. My youngest daughter says that my MIL said that her sister was spoilt, DH always gave her what she wanted, she changed everything about herself because she wanted to be popular, and that she's mentally very sick. MIL definitely shouldn't have said these things, but we haven't visited her since last August and my younger daughter always has the speaker on when DH calls his parents for her. I've paid attention to what's been said since my oldest told us this during November and they do not talk about me, and seem to be honoring my oldest's order to no longer talk about her.

As you have seen from this thread and your MIL, so many people will project their parenting advice (demands) onto you. This is your first boundary. You know what you are doing and you love your DD you just need your DH to back you up and you need to find strategies to manage behaviours that are not ok. I really don’t think coming down on kids like an angry headteacher is the way to go though. Some of the books advised are a good idea

I too think you need to be a little more assertive! I would absolutely agree that she can move out and ask if she needs a hand! Hug her, tell her you love her that she needs to ditch the attitude when speaking to you. It’s okay to be tough and loving. Pull her up, but also tons of positive praise and appreciation. It’s shit being a teen. Especially these days. I cut my teens plenty of slack tbh. I don’t want to add to the pressure but I won’t stand for rudeness.

Don't put up with that cheek. It is not ok and not doing any favours. She can say "i dont want to talk just now." Or "I need some space" not "what are you doing in my room?" Or "i wish i lived with nana"

Tell her it is not acceptable and warn her of a consequence if she keeps it up. Usually i confiscate phone or ban tv.

Growing up is hard and they will be cheekier to mum but your dd is going too far.

I don't think boys are easier than girls. I said my boys are so easy. It was pointed out to me that I'm the good cop with my sons, but I suppose I'm the bad cop with my daughters and I'm not very good at that role. So I need to work on my bad cop vibe.

Instead of saying 'I'm not even doing anything' you need to find out why she's saying she wants to live with her nan and really listen. This is something she's telling you repeatedly so have a proper talk with her about it that won't descend into petty squabbles. She's trying to communicate something and you're not taking the hint.

You need to find out what your daughter thinks a real mum should be like. Maybe she thinks you work too much or something like that? So you need to then have a discussion about why it's necessary for you to go to work and agree to carve out some 1-1 time together at the weekend. Not saying it is that but find out what's troubling her - discuss it together - find a solution that works for both of you.

I don't know why you would be 'good cop' with your sons and 'bad cop' with your daughters. Why is there a difference? There shouldn't be a difference. You shouldn't favour boys. It honestly sounds like some sort of internalised misogyny.

As a PP says, you really need to listen regarding why one of your DDs says she wants to live with her Nan, and what a 'real Mum' looks like to her.

I'm currently not giving off a bad cop vibe with any of them, but my husband is very hard on my sons and spoils my daughters (not my oldest now that she's an adult, but he certainly did while she was younger). So what was pointed out to me is that I'm having an easy time with my sons because there's already someone being hard on them. I have different roles because my husband has taken on different roles. And he's not going to change. I've talked to him and he feels very strongly that the world doesn't give second chances to me, which I argued with but he's not going to change.

I have different roles because my husband has taken on different roles. And he's not going to change. I've talked to him and he feels very strongly that the world doesn't give second chances to me, which I argued with but he's not going to change.

This really doesn't sound like a healthy dynamic.
He said the world doesn't give second chances to me - meaning you? That sounds very controlling. It sounds like you don't know whether you're coming or going and I'm not surprised.

No, he said the world doesn't give second chances to men. I mistyped. I argued with this but he didn't budge in his opinions.

It's a little confusing, but I see that you've posted a lot about your DDs and wider family issues.

Your husband isn't your oldest DDs father is that right? (I don't know about the youngest) There was also some trauma in your oldest DDs life. I note that you mentioned back in January that you sought therapy for your oldest DD and it was recommended that your DH put in place some firm boundaries, but he didn't. Has all of this affected your youngest DD? Is that what she's trying to tell you?

In all honesty, I think you may need to seek some sort of counselling yourself as there's a lot gone on. You're obviously struggling a lot with unpacking it all as you've asked for advice a lot on MN. I also note that you say you and your DH almost divorced.

It all sounds very complicated, and perhaps some deep rooted issues have never truly been addressed. The meddling with your MIL really hasn't helped either as she has systematically tried to undermine you.

Boundaries are a recurring theme.

Stop trying to be her friend and start being her parent. So what if she gets upset when you correct her? All children do, to one extent or another. STOP walking on eggshells.

And investigate you MIL a little further. If my older child said not to leave her younger sibling with a grandparent, I would be asking a few more questions.

You are under-reacting to keep the peace, when keeping the peace isn't your job. Setting firm behavior boundaries is your job, so do it.

@RainbowZebraWarrior I have counseling. I actually don't find it very helpful. A great deal has improved in the time since I sought counseling, but I wouldn't credit the work I've done with making the difference. I do feel less anxious, but I have less circumstances causing anxiety.

It's not "bad cop" though.

It's "appropriate, firm, adult cop".

You seem to think either you tiptoe around them, or you have to be bad to them.

Setting some appropriate boundaries and insisting on respect is being good to them.

I'm with you. My first was a boy and he is so so easy. Second a girl, and my God, it's flaming hard work. Cannot do right for wrong, even though she could not work without my help

No, I didn't say it was what I thought. I said it was pointed out to me. It resonated with me because I do not parent alone. It makes sense that my husband's parenting affects how the kids behave.

My first was so so easy.

my second is hard work.

why do you assume it’s sex, and not birth order, or simple personality that makes one easy and one not?

mine are both the same sex btw. So how is. being easy/hard work due to their sex?

Why are you so desperate for your daughter's approval? Being disliked some of the time is part of being a parent, unless you are trying so hard to be their friend that you become ineffective as a parent. And you don't need anyone's permission to be in any room in your own house, unless you have a lodger who is paying you rent.

Your room but MY house.
I'd be clamping down on her or you will have a rough time ahead.

I don't think I'm desperate for her approval. She's very sensitive and I risk her shutting down depending on what I say. And I've been more mindful to knock even when her door is open. She's obviously looking for privacy.

How many children do you have and what ages? Is she the only girl or the youngest child?

I was an awful 10 year old, constantly throwing tantrums and probably saying some mean things to my mum.

She would have none of it, and would nip that in the bud. We went on to have a good relationship throughout my teen years and beyond.