To think I'm absolute shit at raising girls?

[Mastmw7g]

My oldest daughter was such a challenge. We have a good relationship now, but I still upset her easily if I'm not careful what I say. My youngest daughter is only 10 and regularly tells me she wants to move in with her nan, who she says is like a real mother unlike me. I protested that I wasn't even doing anything and she started listing off the things I was doing: sitting, breathing, existing, growing hair, making blood cells. She tried to call her nan after that and she didn't feel up to a call and my FIL said to call tomorrow. The door was open so I popped my head in and said I was sorry her call hadn't gone how she wanted. She replied "Why are you in my room without permission?" DH asked what I did to her. I don't know! I'm trying, but I must be doing it wrong. My boys are so easy.

she started listing off the things I was doing: sitting, breathing, existing, growing hair, making blood cells

I actually laughed when I read this! Girls can be such little shits to their mothers. I was a horrible teenager and my DM said if I had a DD it would be karma. I had two DSs and was mighty relieved

My husband laughs sometimes because he thinks she's funny when she's irritated with me. Yesterday it went farther than he expected, though, so he was certain I must have done something.

@SuspectedInsomniac

Out of everything op said that's the thing that's sprung out at me. She's undermining you and shaking your dc faith in you.

Have a close look at your mil op, is she saying disrespectful things about you to dd?
How often does she see her?

Re your dd, behaviour is communicating.

Definitely read that book suggestion op and there are something other good guides to give tips as well.
She's expressing something to you and you need to try and listen. Slapping her down for being a cheeky madam will close down her feelings and she may feel she can't talk to you.

My daughter has a first class degree in twisting what l have said to suit her - she hears what she wants to hear. I would stop pussyfooting around her op, remind her often that you love her but that she is the child and you are the adult.

I don’t know if this helps but my relationship with my eldest was so dreadful through these ages she would always tell me she hated me. Shes in her 20’s now but still at home and it is so much better but I did end up in therapy trying to work out how to manage it! I had to stop taking it personally and put in some boundaries, the more upset and the more I chased her the worse it was getting. Stepping back but saying ‘that’s not ok’ is looking after yourself and them too. I can only tell you to stay strong and keep making her see you love her but you won’t tolerate certain behaviours. My DD used me as her safe person to take all her anger out on, it was awful but she is through it now and we get on great. Keep going

I was obnoxious at this age, but to my dad not my mum. But looking back I wonder why dad got the brunt and not mum. It was because my mum listened to me.

Also sorry but do your girls spend a lot of time online? From something you said about your DD diagnosing someone this just sounds like a Tiktok hole. Really try to limit their exposure to this stuff - hard as it is but take action. I blocked everything on my router and then only let them have 1GB phone data for this reason!

Wouldent last 5 mins in my home with that attitude sorry. Why are there so many parents becoming scared of parenting their own kids.
Because they may hurt their feelings.
Gentle parenting is not working.
And that new parenting style is talk touch hug WTF is that.
Put ya kids in their place your the adult dont let them rule the roost.

This!

To tan your bloody hide if you don't speak to me with some respect!

If her nan condones her speaking to you like that, she wouldnt be seeing her. I would not have them treat me like that, end of.

Mu mum would have been much better raising boys. She would have preferred a straightforward life of making bacon sandwiches and washing football kits, and would have caused less damage only having to navigate boys' fairly basic emotions.

There’s part of your problem.

get your MIL to give her a bit of a verbal lashing the next time the rude little madam starts her shite.

How is your relationship with your husband, OP? How does he treat you?

Wow, I can't believe how parents pussy foot around their children nowadays. Your husband immediately thought you had done something? Honestly I know I am old but does no-one actually say things like "how dare you speak to me like that" ? No wonder there are so many entitled little shits around.

Boys don't have basic emotions! My DS has always been far more complex than my DD. They're both in their 20s now and this is still the case.

Wait your daughter told your MIL not to mention her name? That’s also spectacularly rude.

So the girls are rude to you and to each other and to their grandparents.
Come on OP, how does it matter if you ‘hurt their feelings?’ If they are rude it is your job to hold the line and enforce some boundaries. It’s not your job to be their mate.

Yes you have a MIL problem. But first and foremost you need to parent them REALLY firmly. I was a teenage girl once and hell would have broken loose had I spoken to my parents like that.

What are the consequences for when your ten year old is rude? She’s a child btw. She’s a primary school aged child. What happens when she answers back?!

Well this is pretty much exactly what I would say to my son if he said something like this to me and I’d call him out on his lack of respect and the way he was talking to me.

You’re being way too passive and she’s probably picking up on it. You shouldn’t be too harsh but you should definitely tell her ‘we don’t speak to people like that, it’s nasty, I wouldn’t speak to you like that’ instead of just letting her say things without any comeback. She’s learning that behaviour from somewhere.

@MangshorJhol

Wait your daughter told your MIL not to mention her name? That’s also spectacularly rude.

I have mixed feelings about it. MIL shouldn't have interfered with the sister relationship by badmouthing my older daughter, but my older daughter had already gone no contact with DH's parents when she became an adult, so it didn't solve anything to yell at her. My MIL is only 39 years older than my oldest daughter, so she was very young to be placed in the role of grandparent. Mistakes were probably made and she deserves some grace.

Hold on, the problem with pulling the ‘it’s my house’ card is that you are saying to the child they have no privacy or safe space of their own and it’s your right to invade it whenever you choose. This is not the way to go about gaining mutual respect tbh. Reacting angrily just continues the disrespectful cycle ‘you don’t respect me so I don’t respect you’ also all it teaches them is to be mean when things aren’t going their way. People should be modelling being able to keep their temper even when it’s really hard. This is how kids learn to regulate their emotions

You and your Dh sound like you aren’t working as a team to me, you are both parenting the kids in different ways.

Why does a 10 year old DD even know it’s an option to move in with her granny. My mum and I had roaring fights growing up and never did it enter my mind that it might be an option to move in with my grandparents.

You and DH need to sit down with eldest daughter, find out why MIL made her resent you during teenage years, and then come to an agreement on parenting and consequences for 10 year old. You’ve got a long road ahead of you if she’s only 10 and you’re already looking for advice online about her, best off doing something about it ASAP.

Yes - sarcasm never ends well.

I think you need to sit down and have a long, hard think about the boy/ girl issue in the family.

Boys are easier than girls?
DH is hard on the boys "because they are boys"?

What is going on here?

There's clearly a sex-based adversarial element to your parenting approaches that is having an effect on the relationships within the family.

You HAVE to learn to tune shit out for the sake of your sanity!

Single mum of 3 girls - now aged 21,19 and 15 - you will go mad if you try and argue and sense into them at the moment of uber strop - just walk away (or drive away in the case of dd3 - aged 12 who was hanging on to my legs and refusing to get out of my room - she had find my phone and walked to where I had parked to continue the argument!)

They are determined little demons and want the last word - in my time I have:

• Been accused of financial abuse because their dad paid maintenance and we got tax credits but they didn't have money or a lavish lifestyle (you know because of the mortgage, council tax, food, heating, water for their many many baths, car to drive them round in) apparently I was hoarding money for myself!
• Has my house trashed by the eldest (ND) in meltdowns - doors off hinges, smashed plates, threat of violence
• Endlessly told their dads partner was a waaaayyyyy better mum/cook/human being
• Oddly DD1 once told me the house 'smelt like a council house' the twat!
• Been screamed at, called every name under the sun
• Had school refusal, any help or support often met with an accusation that I was trying to run their lives
• Heard repeatedly how X,Y,Z's mum lets them do this or that and their house is much nicer, they are better parents etc.

I could go on - the things is, you wait for the storm to pass and then calmly have the talk! Don't try and negotiate/calm them down in the eye of the storm - also don't escalate it - which you did by mentioning the phone call - if they have stormed off to their room - be fucking happy - they have gone!

I have an amazing relationship with my eldest - who are now at Uni and DD3 is getting there - we have the odd moody door slam but it's okay now.

They love you - you love them - but you don't always like them - it will pass

And people wonder why boys grow up and don’t stay in contact.

i can’t believe people still buy into this boys need food and exercise, Girls are manipulative little bitches crap.

it sound like these kids are being parented according to expectations of their gender, rather than according to what they actually need. And o/p and her dh are exacerbating that parenting by gender, girls are hers, boys are his.