To think I'm absolute shit at raising girls?

[Mastmw7g]

My oldest daughter was such a challenge. We have a good relationship now, but I still upset her easily if I'm not careful what I say. My youngest daughter is only 10 and regularly tells me she wants to move in with her nan, who she says is like a real mother unlike me. I protested that I wasn't even doing anything and she started listing off the things I was doing: sitting, breathing, existing, growing hair, making blood cells. She tried to call her nan after that and she didn't feel up to a call and my FIL said to call tomorrow. The door was open so I popped my head in and said I was sorry her call hadn't gone how she wanted. She replied "Why are you in my room without permission?" DH asked what I did to her. I don't know! I'm trying, but I must be doing it wrong. My boys are so easy.

I can walk away in response to rudeness, but I don't think I can correct her behavior if I'm also avoiding being hurtful. She was hurt last week because I said something about how she was treating one of her brothers. I was careful how I put my words together and she still became very upset and refused to talk to me afterwards.

This is ridiculous. Of course she's going to give a 'hurt' reaction when you call out her behaviour. That doesn't actually mean that you did something that was objectively hurtful. What you did was actual parenting. You can respond to her hurt reaction by saying 'I'm sorry you're upset, but your behaviour was unacceptable. Getting upset about it doesn't change that. You don't get to be rude and unpleasant to us without consequences'. And then if she does it again, actually impose some consequences. Come on, this is parenting 101.

That's probably a whole other post. My oldest daughter is going through a phase of diagnosing everyone around her. She says my MIL is a narcissist who love bombs and made us promise to not leave the kids there unsupervised, which is easy enough, though I think DH agreed just to appease my oldest, who was really upset because my youngest daughter had said some unkind things that were told to her about her sister. There's still calls often, but my ten years old wanders around with the speaker on and I've yet to hear anything objectionable. She has grandparents who want to spoil her and think she does no wrong, but that isn't such a terrible thing.

I'm wondering about the girl vs boy thing too. Is it maybe the case that you find it easier to parent boys because you're not afraid of offending them? That maybe you think girls should be mmoredocile and polite naturally, without the need for firm boundaries?

No, DH is hard on them because they are boys but I don't feel the need to do the same.

Blimey, my mum would have walloped me for daring to speak to her like your daughter spoke to you when you came in her room. Fucking hell. Obviously not the right way to go these days! But there should be consequences and a clear explanation of you pay for the flipping house so can come in her bedroom (obv if she’s getting changed wait outside).

IMO it depends on the personality of the person regardless of sex. I have two girls. Eldest (16) is a delight, youngest (12) is more like me in personality
I take the approach that she can dislike stuff I say and do but she doesn't get to be rude and disrupt the household and there are consequences for that and how she treats people - good and bad. Ultimately it is up to her- she gets out what she puts in. Stick with it and be consistent and loving while not being a pushover and fingers crossed it will pay off in time. That is what I'm hoping for anyway.

Your eldest dd asking thst you promise not to leave your younger dc with MIL unsupervised should be screaming warnings to you op.

Your failure to recognise this is concerning.

I would be monitoring every interaction with MIL like a hawk.

Kids are all different. I don't think you can generalise that girls are awful /boys are lovely. Mine are late teens and that hasn't been my experience

Think about your good cop/bad cop vibe. Sounds like you’ve been the good cop with the boys and DH has been the bad cop. Does your DD get on with your DH? Maybe you’re the bad cop here?

that’s absolutely normal when they get to an age when they want to push back against authority and boundaries. However at this age they need and should have those boundaries.

i went through this with DS and I had to learn to step back and bite my tongue. Just let it ride out and not take it personally. Bloody hard but it improved and as he’s matured it’s become much easier.

DD is 12 and certainly hormonal and stroppy at times. I feel we have a good relationship without too much stress or bad words. She is worse when she is tired, hungry, 'stressed' (e.g. lots of homework) or has had too much screen time (typically 20 mins. on her phone on Sat. and Sun., no social media but she can and does watch YouTube videos, and she can watch TV at the weekend but not before 10am and not for hours on end, but as we don't lock the TV she has sometimes watched 'too much' when we've had to go out or occasionally has been with a friend who has more screen time - we really notice that DD is much more irritable afterwards.)

Obviously every child is different and what 'works' with one doesn't work with anotherw and children develop so having a harmonious relationship now doesn't mean it will be that way forever.

So, without wishing to sound patronising, I try to be really clear about what needs to be done and when, e.g. we need to leave for swimming at x time and you need to pack y and I will bring z. Everything for school is prepared the night before. There are clear 'non negotiables' that have to be respected.

I try not to get angry and I don't think I shout. I want her to know she can come and ask me for help and also come and tell me when she has made a mistake.

I do not cut her off when she is speaking and I try to listen to her point of view. I try to be positive e.g. 'today we didn’t have badminton as the teacher was sick'; I think, 'that's shit, it's the third time that's happened and we pay for it!' but I will say, 'oh, did you do something fun instead? I hope your teacher is ok' (DD seems to adore most of her teachers and gets frustrated if DH or I criticise or question the school.) I listen to her very enthusiastic and long accounts of her school day etc. even though they can be extremely boring.

I do not sweat the small stuff. If she has a big day ahead and just wants to eat one bite of breakfast I let it go. If it's raining I tell her but if she doesn't wear a coat / take an umbrella I remind myself she is not a Victorian waif who will catch consumption and keep my mouth shut.

I praise her and thank her for what she has done well.

Where applicable / appropriate for an adult and a child, I hold myself to the same standards, e.g. no phone at mealtimes, no excessive screentime, dirty clothes straight in the laundry bin, tidy up after myself, make the bed (well, DH does this), open and close the bedroom blinds, put away keys/travelcard/papers in the right places, being on time.

Also I try not to compare DS and DD.

DH is great with DD in that he is very patient in helping her with homework and he has a lot of energy (and other things I have mentioned above.)

I hope some of this helps, OP.

sitting, breathing, existing, growing hair, making blood cells

😂

Stop pussyfooting around her! If she can give banter she should be able to take it. She’s got you walking on eggshells.

Op is your eldest not your mil's blood grandchild?

I have 3 girls. They can be hard graft.

You need to grow a back bone and parent your daughter. Stop trying to be her friend and stop letting her speak to you like shit and walk all over you. She needs boundaries.

Sorry but the only problem I see is you being too soft and allowing your rude, disrespectful pre-teen to dictate you. She has zero right to talk to you like that, and she is the one trashing your relationship. Her gran also needs to be on your side. What a brat!

I don’t think boys are easier than girls generally- it’s just different children are different!

My Dd has been so much easier than ds for example. Her only thing is she gets quite a lot of anxiety that I help her through but she’s never difficult. She’s 15.

My ds is very different.

Is it a boys vs girls thing?

or is it because you treat the boys differently?

you say your dh is hard on them so you don’t need to be. So no wonder your relationship is easier.

are you the one that gets to discipline the girls?

it sounds like you are treating them differently depending on sex. This is the problem, not their genitals.

On the other hand, I always knock before entering a child’s bedroom, even if the door is open. I’m not having a go at OP (her DD’s response was rude) but politeness goes both ways.

He's very easy on her. I think they get on well, though she's called him a monster when she's thought he was too hard on her brothers. (And then said she was leaving and moving in with her nan... it always goes back to that.)

So maybe I am her default bad cop, and my problem is not that I am bad at raising girls, but bad at being the bad cop. I'll try to think of it that way, but more positively like being the bad cop is something I have to work on.

Sounds like your dh needs to have your back more. I have two and they have been relatively easy. I am nervous about the teen years though as I know what I was like.

No, but she only had boys and always wanted a daughter, so she was delighted to have a little girl in her life. They do not get on now. There was a big blow up in November where my oldest daughter told MIL to keep her name out of her mouth and never speak to her again. My oldest daughter said MIL made things worse between us when she was a young teenager. But I haven't heard my MIL talk to my younger daughter about me at all, and she rarely talks to my sons (not that she's ignoring them. They say hello briefly, but can't chat multiple times a week at length like my ten year old).

No, DH is hard on them because they are boys but I don't feel the need to do the same.

I didn't mean hard on the boys. I meant normal with the boys and hesitant in parenting the girls.

My sympathies OP I know I was a horrible little madam from pre teen age.

My son is 11 and already I can see bits of attitude forming, he much prefers DH and thinks I am the most embarrassing thing going. We fell out yesterday because I took him clothes shopping, into all the shops he likes and he didn’t want anything, hated it all. I know he doesn’t enjoy it but he needs new clothes and doesn’t want me picking them so what to do?

My daughter is 7 and the sweetest thing but I know already she has a temper and will be difficult as she gets older. The problem I have is that I can’t control my own temper and bite back, no way could I be spoken to like you were and just not go mad tbh so will be interesting how it goes.

Good luck!

It sounds that you are trying so hard to avoid upsetting her that you have forgotten to actually parent her!

She is 10. She shouldn't be allowed to speak to you like that. What was the consequence? How does DH react when he hears DD speaking to you like that?

And I don't think it's a girl/boy thing. It's personalities. Sometimes personalities clash. That doesn't mean that children should get away with being rude.

Yep, this. So many posters on here tiptoe on egg shells around their kids