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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset over no coffee?

95 replies

Tamrastarr · 05/05/2024 21:28

I have had a bad back for a few weeks, but have been working etc (desk job) the last couple of weeks, so basically, getting on with it. We had some people coming today to do a big clean, as are having work stated this week, but we were let down at the last minute. I was told this morning by OH that I would need to help clean. I was a bit upset, as he knows I’m not in great form, but got on with it. It was pretty heavy duty cleaning work.

Towards the end OH said he was dropping the others back into town, which is a 10 minute walk away. I asked if he would bring me back a coffee I like from the coffee shop, as I had worked all morning to help him out.

He came back, with no coffee, as he said it was too busy to park. I asked why he didn’t get someone he was dropping off, to run in whilst he waited and he said they had other things to do. He then said that I make him feel like shit by even moaning about it!

I know I sound a bit pathetic, but I spent hours cleaning to help him out and all I asked for was a coffee. I just feel like I am bottom of his list. He is dropping other people off and thinking of others but I don’t seem to matter. Plus, if he needed to get himself something in town he would find a place to park. It’s not that hard. He also turns the narrative to him being the victim, which is something he does a lot. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

wutheringkites · 05/05/2024 21:30

What were you cleaning? Your house? Who are the others?

Apollo365 · 05/05/2024 21:31

I’d have been fuming. I voted YANBU.
however deep down I think it’s slightly unreasonable if it was busy.
Id have been happy with a drive thru costa 🤷🏻‍♀️

Apollo365 · 05/05/2024 21:32

As in he could’ve thought out the box. Even a maccys coffee at a push

neilyoungismyhero · 05/05/2024 21:34

Don't you have coffee in your house?

SD1978 · 05/05/2024 21:36

You were cleaning your house, so not exactly a favour for your husband, the people who came and helped were the ones doing the favour surely? I get you wanted coffee, but after cleaning your house he probably didn't think to ask them to stand in a cue for your coffee while he circled the block and assumed they'd want to go home...

IamSmarticus · 05/05/2024 21:36

neilyoungismyhero · 05/05/2024 21:34

Don't you have coffee in your house?

Exactly what I was about to post!

OP I do think you are being unreasonable - you are going to be having work done and the house needed to be cleaned, surely that is not 'helping him out' that is just cleaning your own house.

mjf981 · 05/05/2024 21:37

Yeah YABU OP.
Just make your own coffee. It’s quite entitled to expect people who were helping you to wait in line to get your a coffee..

Haydenn · 05/05/2024 21:37

If someone gave me a lift into town after I finished work and they then asked me to run into a coffee shop for them to run an
errand I’d think they were a right cheeky c*nt.

StormingNorman · 05/05/2024 21:40

Stop whining about cleaning your own house.

Or…

Are you the husband here for a sanity check?

HaveSomeIntrospect · 05/05/2024 21:41

More info needed

Original poster

Tamrastarr · 05/05/2024 21:42

One of the people he was dropping off was our teen, who wasn’t cleaning. The other person was his brother, who got paid to help. It wasn’t my house I was cleaning. When he says he couldn’t park I just thought that was a crap excuse, as it’s not that hard to park, and if he couldn’t park one of the others could’ve run in, as an alternative to him parking. My point is, he just didn’t care enough to even bother. And yes, I have coffee in my house, but this is a lovely coffee from the local coffee shop, which I like.

OP posts:

WhySoManySocks · 05/05/2024 21:57

I don’t understand- what were you cleaning and why, and why couldn’t you make a coffee at home?

SD1978 · 05/05/2024 22:01

But the property is owned by you and your husband? You're making out it has nothing to do with you, but it's an asset you jointly own. I'm not sure, genuinely, if after seeing there was no parking, I would think to ask someone to jump,out the car and get it, I think I probably would have left it too, if there was no where to park, and apologised there was not parking available so I couldn't do it. Can you take yourself out tomorrow and have one?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 05/05/2024 22:03

Quite vital info in your update!

I was going to say, asking someone to “run in” is only really fair if they’re a teen - you can’t ask adults to scamper about for you. But asking you teen is fine, and they should have been happy to.

What was being cleaned that was for your DH, his brother being paid and not you?

Original poster

Tamrastarr · 05/05/2024 22:09

It is his business property. Not mine. His brother was being paid as he was helping out last minute, due to him being let down. I wouldn’t expect him to pay me, but that’s why I thought asking for a coffee wasn’t unreasonable, and him “going out of his way” by finding a parking space wasn't unreasonable. I just felt I had gone out of my way for him. I do realise it sounds a bit pathetic, which is what I said in the OP

OP posts:

roarrfeckingroar · 05/05/2024 22:12

You're being childish over a coffee but it sounds like this is part of a wider pattern of him being an uncaring partner who doesn't make you feel loved, so for that YANBU

HellonHeels · 05/05/2024 22:16

I think that's mean of him. He could easily have said to your teen to nip in and get a nice coffee for mum.

Decent partners look for opportunities to support each other and show appreciation and love.

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 05/05/2024 22:18

It’s like the other poster who’s husband didn’t buy her a sandwich when he was buying one for himself and daughter.. it’s the fact that the needs of his wife just never pass through his brain. And when he’s pulled up on it, he goes all defensive and woe is me.
The OP did him a massive favour helping him clean while in pain with a bad back She asked for a small treat which he should have been more than happy to do for her but no, it’s too much effort for him to think of a small pleasure for his wife.
YANBU and he is being a selfish arse.

saltysquid · 05/05/2024 22:19

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all OP. I am guessing if the tables were turned you would have made the effort to get the coffee for him. It’s just that little effort on his part to make you happy that he can’t be bothered with.

tennesseewhiskey1 · 05/05/2024 22:24

Yabu and precious.

WhistPie · 05/05/2024 22:32

He told you that you had to clean his business property when you had a bad back?! I would have told him where to stick his business property.

My DH would have made a special journey to get me a particular coffee if I were injured and wanted one. He has also banned me from doing anything that would have made me worse when I was ill. Cleaning when you have a bad back is really not a good idea.

TeenLifeMum · 05/05/2024 22:32

Sounds a bit dramatic. I love coffee but I’d have said “okay, you can make it up to me later with a takeaway dinner instead”.

Wallywobbles · 05/05/2024 22:34

Now you know next time say no. Consequences of being a thoughtless arse.

Loopytiles · 05/05/2024 22:40

either both of you are responsible for the property (‘we were let down’) or just your partner (‘his business property’). Which is it?

if the latter then you didn’t ‘need to’ participate in the cleaning, when you have back pain going on. You did him a favour and don’t feel appreciated or cared for, which can inform your decision next time he wants a favour.

Codlingmoths · 05/05/2024 22:46

So he paid his brother but not you, you have a bad back as well and he couldn’t get you coffee?? Tell him whatever his victim attitude he s made sure you’ll not be helping him next time, since he couldn’t even show the smallest appreciation and seemed to think you being upset about that was a reason to get angry. Never back down when men get upset because they are shit. I hope you don’t do much at home, you need to take a week off doing things for other people at home to rest your back. Dinner- what’s that? Washing- they are your clothes, you’re an adult, I’m resting my back after doing some heavy duty cleaning with a bad back for a jerk who couldn’t even show the smallest appreciation. Don’t worry it won’t ever happen again, but I’m not doing anything else to my back this week including washing.

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