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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset over no coffee?

95 replies

Tamrastarr · 05/05/2024 21:28

I have had a bad back for a few weeks, but have been working etc (desk job) the last couple of weeks, so basically, getting on with it. We had some people coming today to do a big clean, as are having work stated this week, but we were let down at the last minute. I was told this morning by OH that I would need to help clean. I was a bit upset, as he knows I’m not in great form, but got on with it. It was pretty heavy duty cleaning work.

Towards the end OH said he was dropping the others back into town, which is a 10 minute walk away. I asked if he would bring me back a coffee I like from the coffee shop, as I had worked all morning to help him out.

He came back, with no coffee, as he said it was too busy to park. I asked why he didn’t get someone he was dropping off, to run in whilst he waited and he said they had other things to do. He then said that I make him feel like shit by even moaning about it!

I know I sound a bit pathetic, but I spent hours cleaning to help him out and all I asked for was a coffee. I just feel like I am bottom of his list. He is dropping other people off and thinking of others but I don’t seem to matter. Plus, if he needed to get himself something in town he would find a place to park. It’s not that hard. He also turns the narrative to him being the victim, which is something he does a lot. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Jinglesomeoftheway · 06/05/2024 07:11

I don't understand why people have to ask so many follow up questions about every single nuance of the story....

Yes OP, it was completely bloody unreasonable of him! Shows a complete lack of appreciation and I'd be fuming & hurt

WhySoManySocks · 06/05/2024 07:13

The reason you are getting so many conflicting answers is because your posts are about as clear as jam. Try writing a post like this:

My DP owns a commercial property which brings him X a year. We do not share this part of his finances, it goes to him directly.

This weekend he was supposed to have cleaners in it for a massive clean but they cancelled last minute. He asked a few family members to help last minute. His brother agreed (with pay), he didn’t ask his son, and he told me I would have to do it. This is upsetting as I have a bad back and cleaning leaves me in a lot of pain. He would not pay me to do it.

Then explain how he “made” you do it. What would have happened if you had said no? Is he abusive? Is he coercing you? Would you have been scared of saying no, or would he be in a strop for days, or would there be financial consequences…? Why can’t you stand up for yourself and your heath here?

At the end, he did not show any gratitude to me or any recognition for how painful it was for me to do it. His pid his brother and dropped him off at the station, he ferried around his son who didn’t help, and he wouldn’t even buy me a cappuccino. When I pointed that out he got into a massive strop which made it clear to me that I rank at the bottom of his priority list.

Should I leave the bastard or leave the bastard?

PotatoPudding · 06/05/2024 07:15

Now you’ve explained the situation fully, I don’t think you are being unreasonable.

I am a bit like your husband, though. I would search for a space if I really fancied something but would just have a quick glance if it was for DH. However, as he’d just done me a favour, I would nip somewhere with convenient parking and get him a chocolaty treat.

Corinthiana · 06/05/2024 07:17

Thank you, @Jinglesomeoftheway
That's actually a lot clearer!

OlympicProcrastinator · 06/05/2024 07:19

neilyoungismyhero · 05/05/2024 21:34

Don't you have coffee in your house?

Spectacularly missing the point

lazyarse123 · 06/05/2024 07:25

Corinthiana · 06/05/2024 06:35

Me too. I can't work this one out at all, but she does sound unreasonable.

Show quote history

You could read the bit where op clarifies it's a property belonging to his business. Although it was a bit of a drip feed.

It's not unreasonable to want a bit of thought and appreciation when you've helped someone out especially when feeling unwell.

Corinthiana · 06/05/2024 07:28

lazyarse123 · 06/05/2024 07:25

You could read the bit where op clarifies it's a property belonging to his business. Although it was a bit of a drip feed.

It's not unreasonable to want a bit of thought and appreciation when you've helped someone out especially when feeling unwell.

Show quote history

No, read my subsequent post.
It helps to read the bit where I respond to the clarification.

drusth · 06/05/2024 07:30

You shouldn’t have cleaned, you risked a back injury. He’s a knob for telling you you have to clean. Does he often order you about?

Is he a miser with money?

My DH would have 100% got the coffee, as would I.

GoldHag · 06/05/2024 07:32

Yeh, if you spend all day helping somebody and they cannot be bothered to grab you a coffee, it does show that they just expected you to help. They felt entitled to your time and efforts. They aren't grateful.

Sillyjane · 06/05/2024 07:33

Do you get no financial benefit from his business?

personally id have told you to do one with all the helping you out, get me a coffee stuff.

Sillyjane · 06/05/2024 07:33

GoldHag · 06/05/2024 07:32

Yeh, if you spend all day helping somebody and they cannot be bothered to grab you a coffee, it does show that they just expected you to help. They felt entitled to your time and efforts. They aren't grateful.

It is her husband and his business, did you miss that. Wasn’t some random.

fashionqueen0123 · 06/05/2024 07:38

Isn’t the business joint income if he’s your partner?

StMarieforme · 06/05/2024 07:43

OP you asked if you were being unreasonable to be upset.

Then you're arguing back.

Peeved, yes. Upset and moaning- way over the top.

But you only came here for people to agree with you, didn't you?

It is really worth the strife? Over a coffee? 🤷🏻‍♀️

drusth · 06/05/2024 07:44

Sillyjane · 06/05/2024 07:33

It is her husband and his business, did you miss that. Wasn’t some random.

Show quote history

Doesn’t justify her husband treating her like a skivvy when she has a bad back and then not even getting her a simple coffee.

She saved him £££ and he couldn’t get her a coffee.

rookiemere · 06/05/2024 07:45

Tamrastarr · 05/05/2024 22:09

It is his business property. Not mine. His brother was being paid as he was helping out last minute, due to him being let down. I wouldn’t expect him to pay me, but that’s why I thought asking for a coffee wasn’t unreasonable, and him “going out of his way” by finding a parking space wasn't unreasonable. I just felt I had gone out of my way for him. I do realise it sounds a bit pathetic, which is what I said in the OP

I get your logic, but obviously your DH hadn't read the unwritten memo.
What I do in scenarios like these is give DH the opportunity to make it up to me. So next morning shop bought coffee and breakfast in bed for you, and he hopefully learns a bit more about how reciprocal favours work.

I

Riverlee · 06/05/2024 07:49

Dh probably didn’t realise the significance of The Coffee, and it was probably hassle to park for it, plus I wouldn’t expect others to get it for me.

Allfur · 06/05/2024 08:20

StMarieforme · 06/05/2024 07:43

OP you asked if you were being unreasonable to be upset.

Then you're arguing back.

Peeved, yes. Upset and moaning- way over the top.

But you only came here for people to agree with you, didn't you?

It is really worth the strife? Over a coffee? 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's the small gestures that make a relationship work

butterpuffed · 06/05/2024 08:43

OlympicProcrastinator · 06/05/2024 07:19

Spectacularly missing the point

Show quote history

Hardly . PPs expect the point to be in the first post which was all about the coffee . Dripfeeds came later .

willWillSmithsmith · 06/05/2024 08:45

tennesseewhiskey1 · 05/05/2024 22:24

Yabu and precious.

Not really. The coffee in itself is irrelevant. It’s the fact that he couldn’t he bothered to meet her quite modest request after she helped him out.

Original poster
Tamrastarr · 06/05/2024 08:51

To all the “drip feed” queries. I put as much detail as I thought necessary in the first post, people asked questions. I answered them. His holiday let, I didn’t get paid and I wouldn’t expect paying. There have been other weekends when he has been let down and I I’ve helped clean. I don’t need the money. And to those who say don’t I benefit from the income? Yes, just as he benefits from mine. I had coffee in thehouse, and I actually made tea and coffee for those helping that morning, including tea for myself. I don’t really like coffee at home but I really like the coffee from this shop. Hence why I saw this as a small favour for my help. Hope this clears it up. 🙂

OP posts:
susiedaisy1912 · 06/05/2024 08:53

So he got you cleaning out his business property when you were still recovering from a back injury. Paid his brother to also help, then dropped his brother home afterwards and agreed to get you a nice coffee as a thank you which you were looking forward to but then he couldn't be bothered to get the coffee for you because he couldn't park right outside the shop? Yeah I'd be fucked right off as well. Yanbu op.

Corinthiana · 06/05/2024 08:56

Tamrastarr · 06/05/2024 08:51

To all the “drip feed” queries. I put as much detail as I thought necessary in the first post, people asked questions. I answered them. His holiday let, I didn’t get paid and I wouldn’t expect paying. There have been other weekends when he has been let down and I I’ve helped clean. I don’t need the money. And to those who say don’t I benefit from the income? Yes, just as he benefits from mine. I had coffee in thehouse, and I actually made tea and coffee for those helping that morning, including tea for myself. I don’t really like coffee at home but I really like the coffee from this shop. Hence why I saw this as a small favour for my help. Hope this clears it up. 🙂

Yes, it does clear it up. It makes more sense now. I can understand why you were put out about the coffee.

OutOfTheHouse · 06/05/2024 09:12

Jinglesomeoftheway · 06/05/2024 07:11

I don't understand why people have to ask so many follow up questions about every single nuance of the story....

Yes OP, it was completely bloody unreasonable of him! Shows a complete lack of appreciation and I'd be fuming & hurt

Because it makes a huge difference.

If she was cleaning her own kitchen before a refit started tomorrow then it’s not so bad. And it’s her kitchen in her house.

If it was the kitchen in her husband’s kebab shop that was needing a clean before a refit its completely different.

(or indeed any other room compared to other businesses type)

TubeScreamer · 06/05/2024 09:12

He was unreasonable about the cleaning but not the coffee - if you can’t park, you can’t park.

diddl · 06/05/2024 09:14

Hence why I saw this as a small favour for my help. Hope this clears it up.

Doesn't explain why you didn't say no as your back hurt!

You made him feel shit by complaining?

I hope you asked him how the fuck did he think you felt after all that work & nothing?

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