To be upset over no coffee?

[Tamrastarr]

I have had a bad back for a few weeks, but have been working etc (desk job) the last couple of weeks, so basically, getting on with it. We had some people coming today to do a big clean, as are having work stated this week, but we were let down at the last minute. I was told this morning by OH that I would need to help clean. I was a bit upset, as he knows I’m not in great form, but got on with it. It was pretty heavy duty cleaning work.

Towards the end OH said he was dropping the others back into town, which is a 10 minute walk away. I asked if he would bring me back a coffee I like from the coffee shop, as I had worked all morning to help him out.

He came back, with no coffee, as he said it was too busy to park. I asked why he didn’t get someone he was dropping off, to run in whilst he waited and he said they had other things to do. He then said that I make him feel like shit by even moaning about it!

I know I sound a bit pathetic, but I spent hours cleaning to help him out and all I asked for was a coffee. I just feel like I am bottom of his list. He is dropping other people off and thinking of others but I don’t seem to matter. Plus, if he needed to get himself something in town he would find a place to park. It’s not that hard. He also turns the narrative to him being the victim, which is something he does a lot. Am I being unreasonable?

You’re getting upset about the wrong thing. No take-out coffee is trivial. Being made to do cleaning when you have a bad back isn’t. Women do seem to do this a lot - lie down and let men stomp all over them and then complain that they have a slightly dirty footprint on their face.

Thanks for all your comments. Thinking about it, the fact is, even without the cleaning element, if he had asked me to get him a coffee, from a coffee shop that is literally opposite where he was dropping off, I would’ve got it. I would’ve found a parking spot and I would’ve got it. I guess some people just make the effort.

THIS! OP, respectfully, you seem to be focusing on the wrong thing.

"We had some people coming today to do a big clean, as are having work stated this week, but we were let down at the last minute."
Lots of 'we' but its not your house?

YANBU at all. You did him a massive favour that took how many hours of your time? The least he could do is find a parking spot to get you a coffee. Lazy, ungrateful, prick.

Don’t go out of your way to help him again.

And you are not getting upset at the wrong thing. Sure, anyone can trivialise the importance of coffee. But it’s completely beside the point. You worked hard, doing him a favour, your back hurts and you wanted a coffee. I love coffee too and I would have been disappointed.

When people do you a favour like a massive cleaning job it is poor form not to provide tea, coffee, beverages etc.

Getting you a coffee is the very least he could have done to show appreciation for your efforts. A decent partner/husband/OH would have given you a back rub too.

If you weren't physically up to it you needed to say no. He can't tell you what to do.

The coffee would have been a nice gesture as a thanks for helping out. He doesn't seem very appreciative

YABU.

It was just a coffee. You are making a huge deal over a 1 hot drink.

There may be bigger issues if you feel he doesn’t appreciate you generally, but this standalone incident is a nothing.

Also, stop being a martyr and a people pleaser. If you have a bad back, don’t agree to clean someome’s workplace, regardless of who they are.

The real problem is that he ordered you to do unpaid work for his business which he knows is physically too demanding for you at the moment and instead of saying no, you went and did it. You shouldn’t be cleaning his business premises with a bad back. It is on him to find able bodied people to help.

The coffee situation is just the final straw.

It would've been nice if he made the effort to buy you something you enjoy anyway. But I can also see if he's had a physically hard day , he might just have wanted to get home if he couldn't just park. I know I'd have felt like that and as a couldn't be fussed with all the coffee take out person , I would ve not really been happy with the faff. Sounds like you are a bit fraught and hopefully if all else is good you'll move on. Ideally he'd of apologised and you would ve accepted that.

This is what you should think about.

I don’t understand how you were helping him out by cleaning the house?

Men get slates on here for “doing their wives a favour” if they clean or look after the child.

I agree with your husband though if it was too busy to park in town it was too busy particularly just for a coffee… and I say that as someone who gets a coffee out in a cafe every day.

@Tamrastarr I totally see your point it's just about being kind and doing little things like this in a marriage to make the other person happy ! My husband would definitely bring back the coffee as I would for him. Yes it's annoying when you can't get parked etc but it's not impossible

Me too. I can't work this one out at all, but she does sound unreasonable.

This is a massive drip feed!!

I can't imagine getting upset over a coffee !

Just make one at home. If the coffee at home isn't that nice, buy a better brand, you will save yourself a fortune and no-one has the faff of parking or generating yet more rubbish for landfill.

Do you work for him too @Tamrastarr ?

Such a drip coffee feed by OP here

I know. This is about more than coffee.

Thing is you weren't there so you don't know. He made the best decision he thought he could. Go and get yourself a coffee next time

I would be expecting a Tiffany's necklace instead then. Absolutely selfish, he should have got you the coffee.

I'd be banking this one for later use. Not only asking you to clean while you had a bad back but not even thanked with a coffee. Remember that one when he has another request. Thoughtless!

Oh sorry didn't read the updates. Ignore me

Yanbu to clean with a bad back. Why you doing that. Yabu re the coffee. If you can't park you can't park. Issue not the coffee but the cleaning when hurt. Why don't you have coffee at home.

So many red flags here. He is being massively disrespectful to you. I would not stand for this. Can you at least go stay with your family until he apologises properly. If not I would consider leaving him. He will not improve and you deserve so much better than this man.