To be upset over no coffee?

[Tamrastarr]

I have had a bad back for a few weeks, but have been working etc (desk job) the last couple of weeks, so basically, getting on with it. We had some people coming today to do a big clean, as are having work stated this week, but we were let down at the last minute. I was told this morning by OH that I would need to help clean. I was a bit upset, as he knows I’m not in great form, but got on with it. It was pretty heavy duty cleaning work.

Towards the end OH said he was dropping the others back into town, which is a 10 minute walk away. I asked if he would bring me back a coffee I like from the coffee shop, as I had worked all morning to help him out.

He came back, with no coffee, as he said it was too busy to park. I asked why he didn’t get someone he was dropping off, to run in whilst he waited and he said they had other things to do. He then said that I make him feel like shit by even moaning about it!

I know I sound a bit pathetic, but I spent hours cleaning to help him out and all I asked for was a coffee. I just feel like I am bottom of his list. He is dropping other people off and thinking of others but I don’t seem to matter. Plus, if he needed to get himself something in town he would find a place to park. It’s not that hard. He also turns the narrative to him being the victim, which is something he does a lot. Am I being unreasonable?

Yeah I can see why you’re pissed off @Tamrastarr - you just felt it was an indicator of how he sees your input. Think you need to spell it out to him. It’s the small things sometimes, that end up being the big things.

@Tamrastarr
you really really aren’t being unreasonable. And as for turning it into a poor me! You end up feeling like you should apologise about something that is his bloody fault.
I would mentally note this down. He doesn’t sound great, you could try and talk to him about it, but that’s so tricky if he just plays the victim.
Hope you feel better soon

Why were you cleaning his business with a bad back?

Coffee at home is not the same as coffee shop. Unless you have a whole barista style set up.
i agree with you OP - it’s the lack of thought. Little things like that are important in a relationship

I think he was probably really stressed at the hassle with the house and made a split decision when he couldn’t see anywhere to park.

I can see why you’re pissed off but no one’s perfect.

It’s only a coffee 🤷🏻‍♀️

ETA no way he should have put pressure on you to clean with a bad back. To me that’s the arsehole behaviour.

Op from what I see is the lack of consideration that hurts. It is not pathetic.

It was a coffee but could have been a sandwich or a McDonald’s. It does not matter, it’s the fact that he decided not to get you whatever you asked him in exchange for your hard work.

I would be angry too.

Same. Next time he'll be doing changeover on his own.

This. Boundaries OP.

You have to help clean my house!
Sorry no,my back is agony.
Tough, you clean my house because I say so!
No dude, I'm in agony. I'll come and make drinks if you're polite and ask but otherwise I'm staying home to rest.

YANBU OP. He knew you had a bad back, yet still asked you to clean his business property. He paid his brother for doing the same work, yet couldn't be arsed to even buy you a coffee to say thank you? I think he's showing he takes you for granted.

Honestly, this is one of those things you need to forget about.

To him it was just a coffee and you had coffee in the house, so it wasn’t a big deal.

To you, it represented him showing you how much he appreciated you.

A similar thing happened to me a few weeks ago.
My DB wanted a McFlurry from McDonald’s but it was heaving so I didn’t bother and got ice creams from Asda instead.
He had been helping me and reading this now, I should have made more effort to go and get one for him but tbh I didn’t think twice about it.

Fine to feel disappointed in the moment but have that feeling and then let it go.

Let the coffee issue go if it’s a one off.

But, while you were suffering with a bad back, OH told you he needed you to help clean his holiday property.

He didn’t ask if you were up to it.
He more or less ordered you to do it in an off-hand, rather unkind way, not acknowledging your bad back. And it seems his expectation was that you would do it without question.
I think there are more polite ways of letting you know he needed help and it’s exactly that part of your story that I would be taking issue with as you were quite clearly upset that he didn’t acknowledge your difficulty with pain.

OP sometimes i know it can be the way we write things here that give the wrong impression.
Is that the case here, because you let us know (twice) that you are the type to just get on with things when still in pain and recovery.
Did you signal to him that you were prepared to just get on with it or did you let him know you were upset with being told and expected to do heavy lifting and that it would be likely to impede your recovery ?

You admit to us you were upset but complain instead about the lack of a special coffee.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of no coffee are, I would definitely be upset about not receiving my coffee, OP. It's an important part of my day and everyone who knows me know this. You have my sympathies. Sometimes the little things matter more than they should.

I wouldn't clean for anyone, if my back hurt. He should have got your coffee to say thanks. He was thoughtless and thankless.

Forget the coffee bit OP

You're suffering with back problems and we're "told " you needed to clean and YOU did ....why on earth would you do that ?

A decent partner wouldn't insist you do any manual labour.

I'd be more annoyed that he has effectively told you to stop working (I guess you WFH) to do the cleaning. Does he not value your work too? Or are you on BH today? Either way, no, he wasn't very nice, he could have made an effort to get the coffee.

I mean this massively depends. If my husband did this I would not be annoyed but that’s because he is extremely thoughtful and goes out of his way a lot for me so I would know that it was just too tricky BUT by the sounds of it this is a common occurrence. It’s not about the coffee, I’m guessing, it’s that you always feel he puts you last and never thinks of the little things for you. If so, I do feel for you.

sit him down. Speak to him calming and just say that you don’t feel important to him. That you need him to consider you in all the small things, like you do to him… if you do. If you don’t, then you both need to be more of a team and put each other first. Lots of love ❤️

No she does not need to forget about it, and the example you gave is not the same thing at all. She did her DP a massive favour, at some cost to herself, and asked for a small thing which would have been fairly easy for him to do.

As you pointed out, it was symbolic for her and he showed how little he valued what she had done. He is taking her for granted. And he needs to be informed this is unacceptable.

Why did you agree to help in the first place if you were in so much pain?

I understand why you're upset but honestly I don't think the coffee is the issue here.

Op was not cleaning her own house...