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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Husband doesn't like me to invite DD's friends to house for play dates

86 replies

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:22

My DD is 4 and goes for a school nursery. There are a lot of school events on, where I've met various parents and their children through the school year.

DD has some friends, I have friendly chats with the parents regularly. There have been many birthday parties too etc. it's all seeming quite familiar.

DD goes 5 days a week and often parents ask to do play dates.

Sometimes we go to the park or whatever but sometimes I would just quite like to have play dates at home. I find it more relaxed and I also have a younger DD. It makes it a bit easier all round.

Apart from my H who doesn't want to have people over, ever. I've only hosted one play date with school friends.

We know a couple down the road who also have kids the same age and we've gone to theirs and they've come to ours a few times too. He also gets annoyed about it.

Anyway, I get it that he doesn't want people in the house every weekend. But occasionally it shouldn't be such an issue ? I remember having friends round pretty much constantly as a child and loving it. It was just what we did. Our parents didn't constantly take us out to activities and parks etc. our friends would come or we would go to their houses and just play together.

What does everyone think ? How do you handle a partner who can't be bothered to have people over ? But also doesn't want to go out on play dates much ?

OP posts:
Chirawehaha · 05/05/2024 13:26

What’s his reasoning? And how does he see this playing out? People expect invitations to be reciprocated, and will often stop issuing them when they’re not. Does he not care about that?

Does he have friends?

FlameTulip · 05/05/2024 13:28

He's being unreasonable- he needs to put DD before himself here. Does he always get the final say if you disagree on something OP?

goldenretrievermum5 · 05/05/2024 13:28

Ignore him and consider getting rid if he continues being like this. He is doing your DD a massive disservice - my ex-H was the exact same, this is probably just the beginning of it

Spirallingdownwards · 05/05/2024 13:30

I was going to say why not until you said you do this at the weekend. That does make a difference. It's potentially his only downtime. Definitely meet outside the house or do home based play dates after school.

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:30

Chirawehaha · 05/05/2024 13:26

What’s his reasoning? And how does he see this playing out? People expect invitations to be reciprocated, and will often stop issuing them when they’re not. Does he not care about that?

Does he have friends?

To be honest, we've not been invited anywhere apart from our local friends, where it is reciprocal but he gets grumpy about it.

His reasoning is that he doesn't want strangers in our house. So even though he gets grumpy about our local friends, he doesn't see them as strangers. So he doesn't mind as much.

I'm just trying to organise a play date for DD with a couple of her friends and I would really like to host, but he'll be annoyed. Makes me sad. It's not like I do it a lot at all.

OP posts:
Peclet · 05/05/2024 13:31

What’s his reasoning?
Is he controlling in other ways?

Massive red flag this position unless there is a very valid reason.

Springchickenonion · 05/05/2024 13:31

Are you having them when he's home? Can you arrange for when he's out/at work

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:32

Peclet · 05/05/2024 13:31

What’s his reasoning?
Is he controlling in other ways?

Massive red flag this position unless there is a very valid reason.

He doesn't like strangers in the house. He doesn't know what kind of people they are. It's a bit of a safety thing.

OP posts:
cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:33

Springchickenonion · 05/05/2024 13:31

Are you having them when he's home? Can you arrange for when he's out/at work

I would prefer that, but it's usually at the weekend.

OP posts:
StormingNorman · 05/05/2024 13:33

He’s entitled to feel comfortable in his home too and it is often the ‘no’ vote that wins in most situations.

Can you arrange play dates for when he’s not around?

It does seem a shame for your DD but to form an opinion on whether he’s being unreasonable I’d need to know why your DH doesn’t like having other people over.

Cross post - not wanting strangers in the house for safety reasons is fairly unusual, particularly if some of those strangers are just children. This may run deeper than just a surface level dislike.

ARichtGoodDram · 05/05/2024 13:33

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:30

To be honest, we've not been invited anywhere apart from our local friends, where it is reciprocal but he gets grumpy about it.

His reasoning is that he doesn't want strangers in our house. So even though he gets grumpy about our local friends, he doesn't see them as strangers. So he doesn't mind as much.

I'm just trying to organise a play date for DD with a couple of her friends and I would really like to host, but he'll be annoyed. Makes me sad. It's not like I do it a lot at all.

Your DDs friends aren’t strangers to her - I’d be pushing that point to him hard.

Is he going to be like this when she’s older or is it the parents that he has an issue with?

Haggisfish3 · 05/05/2024 13:33

My dh was a bit like this. Just cba to have other kids in his house. I left eventually and now kids can have whoever they like round!!

Springchickenonion · 05/05/2024 13:34

My husband doesn't like them too. So we do after school for 1 or 2 hours. But only every now and then. Everyone's entitled to feel comfortable in their home.

Springchickenonion · 05/05/2024 13:35

The only weekend play dates we have are in our cul de sac with the neighbours. Otherwise the weekend is a no no for us and most in our school circle.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 05/05/2024 13:35

Would he perhaps accept only children visiting?

goldenretrievermum5 · 05/05/2024 13:35

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:32

He doesn't like strangers in the house. He doesn't know what kind of people they are. It's a bit of a safety thing.

That’s not a safety thing, they are not strangers - they are your DD’s friends. It’s him being controlling and it’s a massive red flag

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:39

Really good point that they're not strangers !

I guess he feels like the parents are strangers do us. But it's so silly because our children are together every day and I see the parents daily too !

OP posts:
cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:40

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 05/05/2024 13:35

Would he perhaps accept only children visiting?

I think he would prefer that, but I can't expect parents to do that. They don't know us that well yet and the children are only 4.

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 05/05/2024 13:46

I had to point out to DH that he needed to get to meet DC’s friends just as much as I did. DC were the children that HE chose to bring into this world, just like I did. Because he was just as much of a parent as I was and many parents (read: mothers) DO NOT like their children having a sleepover where the father is an unknown.

Can’t be arsed is not a good enough excuse.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 05/05/2024 13:46

He's being completely unreasonable and, frankly, pretty weird. Why should your dc lose out on playdates because of his strange hang-ups?

Jeannne92 · 05/05/2024 13:47

DH dislikes having over the kids' friends (and our friends), but it's nice for them so he puts up with it. We live in a small flat, as does everyone round here, and the DC share a room.

Luckily it's not really in the culture here for kids to go to each other's houses; typically they play in the park or sports' ground.

Deadringer · 05/05/2024 13:51

He doesn't have to like it, but it's part and parcel of having dc and them having friends and a social life. I would try keep it to one day of the weekend though, and keep the other day free for just yourselves.

Jeannne92 · 05/05/2024 13:51

OP, could your DC invite friends in the week or school holidays? I can understand that your DH prefers not to have guests at the weekend unless exceptional (e.g. a birthday.) However YANBU to want your DD to have some playdates and to reciprocate invitations. Could you invite her friends to a park and bring a picnic and a few toys?

Fulshaw · 05/05/2024 13:54

You could point out to him that it’s only for a few years - by about 6/7 the parents don’t come along

ARichtGoodDram · 05/05/2024 13:55

cellardoorie · 05/05/2024 13:39

Really good point that they're not strangers !

I guess he feels like the parents are strangers do us. But it's so silly because our children are together every day and I see the parents daily too !

So basically he thinks his wishes should trump you and your child having friends around?

Is he generally selfish like that over other things or just this?

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