Husband doesn't like me to invite DD's friends to house for play dates

[cellardoorie]

My DD is 4 and goes for a school nursery. There are a lot of school events on, where I've met various parents and their children through the school year.

DD has some friends, I have friendly chats with the parents regularly. There have been many birthday parties too etc. it's all seeming quite familiar.

DD goes 5 days a week and often parents ask to do play dates.

Sometimes we go to the park or whatever but sometimes I would just quite like to have play dates at home. I find it more relaxed and I also have a younger DD. It makes it a bit easier all round.

Apart from my H who doesn't want to have people over, ever. I've only hosted one play date with school friends.

We know a couple down the road who also have kids the same age and we've gone to theirs and they've come to ours a few times too. He also gets annoyed about it.

Anyway, I get it that he doesn't want people in the house every weekend. But occasionally it shouldn't be such an issue ? I remember having friends round pretty much constantly as a child and loving it. It was just what we did. Our parents didn't constantly take us out to activities and parks etc. our friends would come or we would go to their houses and just play together.

What does everyone think ? How do you handle a partner who can't be bothered to have people over ? But also doesn't want to go out on play dates much ?

The safety concern could mean many things though. Not just people checking the house and its contents out. A friend who was in the police and had kids older than mine warned me she'd been very very wary about play dates because of what she'd seen at work - for example drug taking or domestic violence in what appeared to be very respectable homes etc.

We were very wary because we didn't have a totally child-proof house. We had many bookcases not attached to walls, stairs with a twist in. We'd used a playpen and gates to keep DD safe and then taught her from early on what was safe and what wasn't with clear boundaries but we had some bad experiences with early play dates where some kids had plainly never been told no or that they couldn't do something like climb a bookcase or that a room was out of bounds.

I suppose it depends in what ways that someone can't meet socialisation needs. There could be many.
I know of someone who barely takes their kids out, someone else disagreed that was an issue, but I think it is.
They have anxiety so would you say if you already know these things you shouldn't have kids or have more.
As this person already knew their issues, but went on to have a second child. Now says they are depressed stuck at home looking after kids 🤷🏻‍♀️

Then you might not have the ideal home for wanting play dates etc often. Should that mean all who couldn't get their own home or nice flat with a garden not if had kids either 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Redruby2020 the OP says very clearly that she lives in a house and houses typically have some sort of outdoor space. Her DH just doesn’t want people in the house.

I’m sorry you are living in difficult conditions, I would entirely sympathise with you if you didn’t want to host a play date, it sounds as if you don’t have the space or surroundings to make it comfortable for everyone.

This is so bloody weird !

Play dates are an absolute normal part of being a kid BUT why all the stress ?

Your DH doesn't like visitors in the house which is his problem. When you have kids it's just the way it is.

Why the weekends though ? That was always family time when we were growing up and when my kids were also growing up. Weekends you go out with family and do stuff. The park, playground, swimming pool etc with parent/s and perhaps meet friends out.. but weekdays .... 3:30pm come to mine, let's have a cuppa and the kids can play. A couple of hours and sometimes tea. All done and dusted by 6pm and they have left and then DH comes home to house 'stranger free' ....

What on earth could he complain about that. ? What time is he back from work ?

The only exception to that is if you live in a small flat and DH is trying to work from home full time. (Part time arrange for days he is in work)

If he complains about having kids and mum around whilst out at work then you have a controlling and coercive arsehole on your hands and need to start making exit plans or your kids will be completely fucked up.

Miserable fecker!

So?....

He doesn't like it. Oh well

We all have stuff in life we don't like being an adult is realising that

You need the other kids' parents to stop being "strangers" and become people you know - because in due course your child will be wanting to go to sleepovers and so on, and he'd probably rather they weren't staying with "strangers". That means he has to make the effort to get to know them a little. You actually need to seize the opportunity to do that now, because it will be harder to get to know the parents later, when the children are more independent.

Thank you, my mistake on not reading back on that. So yes however it may be, one can assume there must be some outdoor space.

Personally I don't think that houses should ever have been made in to flats, especially when they have not been done properly. I wouldn't mind one at a time or a couple if it was for birthday for example.

@NorthUtsireSouthUtsire after school play dates only work if one parent isn't working full time. And these days most couples are both in work. Sometimes weekends is all the time that is available.

The safety argument sounds like an excuse. There is very little risk from a few invited children and a couple of mums. He simply doesn't want it and is putting himself first. I bet he wouldn't like you inviting your friends round either right?

I was perhaps wrongly assuming that as OP says she has 'met many school parents throughout the year' that she was there for school pick up .. otherwise how would she be meeting them . ?

Both me and my husband of 20 years are like this.
However, we are child free and it was discussed
many times.
No people generally in the house.
Tradesmen are an exception.
Main thing is, we are both fine with this.

It's absolutely abhorrent to put yourself first,
in your only life.
😁

OP will probably be working herself at those times, assuming she isn’t a shift/weekend worker.
Sorry DH but it’s part of being a parent to young kids. Suck it up!

What’s his view on his choice limiting dd’s friendships?

My oh used to say this. I ignored him. He once came home and found 22 kids in the house for a Halloween party. I did the tidying up. The kids were ecstatic and it’s my house too.

It's her house too, she should be able to have her friends over.

So what is his solution, how will he make sure she has friends and is not isolated? As PP says, playdates are give and take, and people won't be asking her back if there are no return invites. If he doesn't want kids in your house, how many pladates has he organised so far for your DD in a park or soft play?

He sounds awful. Ignore him and organise the play dates.

I didn’t love them but I did them regularly then the kids were little and they really benefitted.

It’s not acceptable to hide away from the world when you have young kids. The pandemic has normalised this kind of behaviour and it’s so unhealthy.

I'd say to him it needs to happen and be there yourself when it does. You've reminded me that we had a situation where we were invited to a girl's house in primary. The dad was a misery and kept making comments about what he thought was "right". Dd was 10 and had just had her ears pierced (younger than me but about 12 girls in the year had had them and I wasn't allowing a mobile). He noticed and said 3 times how he "didn't agree with piercing/making holes in your body/thought it looked ugly" and that he would never let his daughter do that and even his wife wasn't allowed to! I mean, who does that? Weird and controlling and no shame at all.

We never went back and I didn't ask her over, simply because of the dad. It was a shame because their dd struggled to make friends. I think I found out why. No way I was having them in my house!

It's a big fat NO over weekends so I'm with your DH. Tbh none of my dc friends do play dates over weekends too as most of the parents feel the same. There's already activities, parties to do and Not much time left so the very last thing I want is hosting a play date over the weekend. I do all play dates after school. It would be very difficult if you're working though. So I would make a very rare exception for a weekend but really only very rare.

Yes but when you are a parent you need to put your children first. If DD is never allowed to have friends over it will have a negative effect on her and affect her socially.

It’s your house too, and your DC’s. What a controlling miseryguts your husband is. Play dates are part and parcel of having children. He needs to stop being so weird and miserable.

Tell him to go out while they are there, DD (and you) need this interaction. It will help teach her to share and enjoy her personal spacean toys witho others, while you get to know it's a safe environment and can relax with the other adults.

His concerns for safety are valid but to a point - you are not going to point out your valuables, or where all the keys are and how they work!

Your dd and you have 2/3 of the say on this- you both chose to have her and she has a right to use the house too even if she is only a toddler and you are advocating for her.

@Notreat exactly. But there has to be a compromise too. So every now and then for a couple of hours.